Mr. Chunky, Anyone?

My uterus feels like it is made out of concrete.  I have one great big blob of concrete I am carrying around inside of me, and it is the artist formerly known as "the embryo receptacle".  My stomach is even jutting out and it's not due to any baby-type of goodness, it is because I am carrying a womb the size of George Michael's head (with the 80's hair, of course). 

I can only hope that it's so big because it's about to gush forth like my upcoming career in the circus-the RE told me my period (which, as they said, isn't really a period it's the final expelling of "the product", like it's something I can test to see if it's mushy or ripe and then put it on the scale in the local market) would be very heavy. If my engorged creepily stiff uterus is any indication, I may just wear a garbage bag for a diaper if/when the "product expelling" finally happens.

I've had pretty massive PMS symptoms-last week my breasties were the size of Mt. St. Helen's and just as sensitive.  I bloat and look like someone who needs the blueberry juice squeezed out of her.  I'm the kind of girl that doesn't actually like chocolate that much with the exception of a 5 day window in which the only things I want to eat are chocolate, bread, and salt (combined if I can get it that way).  I also truly don't like salt at all but I know when PMS is around as I generally want to install a salt lick in the back garden and stand around out there shooting the breeze with Mr. Ed.

I had all of that.

Then it went away.

Now I have a distended abdomen that is 100% pure Florida orange uterus.  I am also nauseous like all get out.   And no-I'm not pregnant.

I know this because I took a pregnancy test.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

*inhales deep breath*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Yeah, I found a dusty old one from my cycle in April and gave it a shot.  It was as pure and virginal as Jessica Simpson once was.  I had briefly wondered, based on the swelling and stomach cramps and the nausea, if perhaps I could be one of those miracle cases on Google: Slightly Nuts Infertile Woman Goes On To Have Genius Baby Girl, After Doctors Told Her She'd Miscarried And She Drank Enough Wine to Boost Australia's Gross Export Figures! 

But not to be.

And this may sound all "sour grape-y" but I was actually ok at seeing the absolutely negative home pregnancy test, it's like a line being drawn under everything for me. 

I have been seeing an acupuncturist as well and I'm pleased I am.  We are only treating my bad back until I get my period then I will kick off uterine treatments-as we have a few months we have time to get things in good shape.  Maybe nothing comes of it, but I do have to admit it helps my back, and every time I go there I pass clean out on the table which-as I'm an extremely stressy person-is a pleasant surprise.  When I leave the appointment, I always feel extremely hot (temperature-wise, because upon leaving I have bed head and always look slightly zonked so my chances of pulling are nill, especially with my freakishly heavy uterus) and need great quantities of bottled water. 

I don't mind acupuncture, I think it's good.  I don't think it's the end-all be-all of holisitc living, but I do quite like it and feel confident about it.  I was talking to the acupuncturist and told her about my views on it.

She nodded.  "Lots of people use it for pain management."

I shrug, pins in the back of my leg.  "I know, but I can't see using it as anesthetic.  I mean, surgery sucks big time, the drugs are the only good part."

Sticking another needle in, she smiles "I just read an article about a man who had lung surgery.  When they do lung surgery, they have to saw off ribs, so he had local anesthetic and some acupuncture to manage the pain.  He said it worked!"

I think about this.  "Yeah, see," I say slowly.  "I think that's pretty fucked up."

"You know, I agree with you.  I'd be wanting drugs."

I have a very realistic acupuncturist.

She offered to help "bring on the period" with acupuncture, but Aidan was against it so I've passed.  He feels "bringing on the period" is interfering with nature.  He has, however, had a turn-around on using acupuncture for IVF (he always supported it for back pain).  It happened when I rang my clinic. 

The lead RE nurse, who we call Anne Robinson (because she's so tiny and so cynical), answered.  She sounded rushed, but I had questions, so I persevered.

Q: Did you find an egg share match for me for sure?
A: Yes, she's ecstatic and ready to go.

Q: You're closed for two weeks over Christmas?
A: We're closed for two weeks over Christmas.

Q: So we can go away then, even if we're down-regulating?
A: You an go away then, even if you're down-regulating.

Q: One last question-I've been seeing an acupuncturist, and she says that acupuncture can help success rates.  What's the clinics view on this?
A: Oh we're big supporters of acupuncture.  It has a tremendous effect on the success rates.  We have an acupuncturist that can do acupuncture the German-style before and after transfer but can't see people outside of that.  Definitely go for acupuncture.

*crickets*

So...like...they didn't think to mention acupuncture 9 fucking months ago, when we started the latest rounds and how it could help then?  This, from the woman who was all "transfer only one, it'll work, it'll be greeeeeaaaaaaaaaaa"t?  They didn't think to mention that the little needles, they might be a nifty idea?  Nice.

Acupuncture it is. 

And we have used up a buy-one-get-one-free voucher and air miles to fly business class to Seattle to visit my dad just after Christas, and then we spend New Year's skiing at Whistler (we hope to book the accommodation today, we find it slightly overwhelming).  We come back the first week of January and we fly back on first class, something I've never done on a trans-Atlantic flight, ever.

Now that's the best way to relax.

More from me soon-I've a post brewing on how it feels to be the bridesmaid and never the bride, but for now, I have to babysit my concrete womb.

Comments

[Meri-ann]

Erk, the concrete ute- I know the feeling and empathise with you...
I'll dust off my taffeta bridesmaid dress ready for your post...

[amy t.]

I used accupuncture to quit smoking. I smoked until the very last second I could before going in. I wasn't ready to quit. There was another guy in the session with me. They hooked up electropack things to our ears, and for 20 minutes we got little electric pulses around our ears. The accupuncturist talked to us the whole time, telling us things that would assist us in cleaning out our lungs and treating cravings. I left thinking it was a total waste of money. Nearly 3 years have passed, and I've never smoked again. I'm a big believer in accupuncture, so I hope it helps you guys.

[Casey]

I was doing acupuncture recently (to treat recurrent miscarriage) and I, too, felt heavily relaxed and actually passed out during some sessions. The worst part for me was trying to get up after all that and drive home. I felt buzzed. When I mentioned it to the acupuncturist, she said, "Oh, yes. My friends and I call that being acu-stoned."

[caltechgirl]

It sounds pretty good. Except for that whole concrete uterus thing. I have way to much of a needle phobia to try acupuncture, but I believe it really works. Good luck, hon.

[Lut C.]

(stiffled giggle) Since when is 'interfering with nature' a valid argument?

Anything to get rid of the concrete, no? Sounds very uncomfortable.

[Kristin]

I just wanted to I am sorry for your loss as I recently miscarried. I also wanted to say thank you...thank you for the honesty in your posts. Maybe I shouldn't giggle when I read some of them, but damn, you are funny! The concrete uterus...I have one as well.

['Nilla @ Vanilladreams]

You make smile and feel sad all at once! How do you manage to do that?! ;) You witty thing, you!

Lut C. is right.... "interfering with nature"??? Yup, that IVF ya know, it's perfectly natural! I mean, people don't ACTUALLY get knocked up "JUST BY HAVING SEX" these days, do they?!?!?!?! ;)

Hee hee! Sorry...I couldn't resist! :)

I know what you mean about the concrete ute. I never thought of it as feeling "concrete" before....but the period I had before my April FET cycle was PURE HELL. I literally felt like I was having a SECOND miscarriage, that's how bad the bleeding was! Clots, and more clots, and gushing, gushing, gushing. I was literally house-bound for several days until the crimson tides retreated. What made it worse too, I think, was being on BCP's for the suppression part of my cycle. I went back and forth with my RE trying to get off the BCP's early and just go on Lupron, to no avail. Finally, he relented, "after reviewing" all of my emails, and said he agreed with me, the BCP's were exacerbating my bleeding. Yeah, thanks, oh-so-helpful-doctor. As soon as I got off the BCP's, things improved immediately.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. Just wanted to say that I can commiserate on the terrible uterus feeling. Also, I'm glad that you are going for Acu, and that your clinic supports that. It's a terrible shame they didn't enlighten you on their perspective MONTHS AGO though. WTF is up with that?!!??!

And Christmas in Seattle? That's my second (read: IVF) home!!! I hope you guys have an awesome trip, although that's still a couple of months off!

Wishing you all the best with everything though, keep me posted.

Nilla

[michael jones]

Thank you for this article! I have heard so many things about acupuncture about its benefits or negatives. I have to say that your post is really good one!