The Crappiest Club Ever

I had another acupuncture treatment yesterday.  I kind of like them, because they really want to know the details of bodily fluids.  Mucus?  Let's describe the consistency.  Bloating?  Let's examine.  Blood clots?  Squealy delight of all the gory detail.  It's like being in biology class and being allowed to actually discuss how a blow job hitting a gag reflex makes your sphincter tighten, or English class, where you have a teacher that throws Silas Marner across the room with a thud and sighs, conceding that it really is one of the most boring books written, ever. 

I tell her about the period I just had, aka "The Hemorrhage-Soon to Be a Major Motion Picture Starring Sarah Michelle Gellar".  It only lasted for three days but was so forceful it was like hooking a fire hose to my snatch and putting out a block of council flat fires.  The cramps on day one had me heaving over a toilet they hurt so badly.  But hey-three days.  Not bad. 

And it was virtually clot-free, which is unusual for me-I usually look like I've dropped a toilet bowl full of M&Ms the first three days, so clotty am I (hope you don't have a high squick factor, as I'm going all out on this one.)  The acupuncturist says that's the work of the acupuncture-the design is to maximize blood flow to the uterus-the treatment should prevent clotting in general. 

So slap my face and call me a convert, because it worked.

I tell her about the concrete uterus I had, and how actually, post period, it still feels like that.  She nods sympathetically (she is very sympathetic, which is great.  She also has no issues talking about bodily fluids, which makes her my most favorite acupuncturist in the world.)  She tells me that it's a side effect of miscarriage, and I may feel that way for a while.

Excellent.

Which brings me to my Crappiest Club Ever. 

Miscarriage is something that affects many, many women.  Too many, sadly.  There are Grief Forums, there are books, and there is, of course, the best helper ever-alcohol.  But what there seems to be is a lack of information.  This blog gets a lot of hits from women Googling about miscarriage, and it seems to me that we women?  We just don't have all the answers about what the hell is happening from a physical perspective. Miscarriage is the dirty little secret, that thing you whisper about in the hallways.

So lemme correct something:

MISCARRIAGE HAPPENS AND IT FUCKING SUCKS, SO DEAL WITH US AND EXPLAIN WHAT MAY HAPPEN TO OUR BODIES.

Yes, we bleed.

Yes, we cramp.

Yes, we have big blood clots, the size of which make us wail as we understand what's happening.

You know what else we can have?  Concrete uteruses (is that uteri?  I never know.)  We get really, really hormonal-mine came up in the form of severe almost PMS-like bitchiness.  What comes out of us, well...truthfully, it doesn't smell very nice.  We can have headaches and are really tired.  The bleeding is composed of absolutely incredible quantities.  Some pregnancy symptoms may continue-I still threw up a lot, but the breast tenderness went away, as did the smell/food aversions.  We may have some or all of these symptoms...but no one tells you.

A lot of that goes away with the first period (which can take 6-8 weeks to arrive), but as has now been explained to me, the body sometimes needs two cycles to get over itself.

And that's just the physical stuff. 

Emotionally you're a fucking basket case.

I couldn't watch anything with pregnancy, babies, or fertility.  I still can't read blogs of people that are knocked up.  I watched mindless TV.  I watched films I knew were safe (note to infertiles who are not knocked up and are bitter about it: Children of Men is a good film to watch.  It's about a future where people can't get pregnant.  It'll feel like old hat to you.  I could've watched that fucking film over and over again, I was all: Thank God, a film where there is only one baby, and it's a metaphor.  And when the woman had the baby?  It was animatronic. Yessssssss.)  You may cry.  A lot.  You may drink.  A lot.  You will most likely rage about how unfair it is.  A lot.

It's the Crappiest Club Ever.  I thought about starting a web page, a forum for women.  You have IVF Connections, how about Crappiest Club Ever connections, where you'd never tell another woman, "I'm so sorry.  But hey-children are exhausting!  Want one of mine?"  Where the support would come in the form of lots of swearing, and more than a little: "I'm here-want to talk?" in the middle of the night, when the nightmares are too much for you and you just can't bear the idea of "why?" anymore.

Not sure, maybe I will.  It occurs to me that a miscarriage is a time when a woman needs support the most.  Then again, we all grieve differently.

For me, it was good to know that one more period is maybe what I'll need to get rid of my hard uterus.  Still on track for kicking off the next cycle in January.  I am still feeling positive about the cycle, too.

I am an idiot, of course.

Comments

[Mina Wolf]

Well, then we're both idiots :) I'd like to think that you'll get something that your heart seems to need and want so much. Either that or I'm confusing it with deserving it.

I do have a minor favor to ask you if you happen to remember the next time you see your acupuncture lady though. She mentioned it helps the bloodflow to the uterus and in turn, helps with the clotting. Does it also help with regulating a person's menstraul cycle?

[Vanessa]

Yup-she says it does help. Regulates hormones, regulates blood flow to uterus, helps limit blood clots, cramps, and ensures you’re regular. Also good for women trying to get knocked up the “old-fashioned way”.

[Rachel]

ahh.. thank God for blog honesty. I had to ask my friend all those squicky questions in the midst of my miscarriage because, well, my doctors didn't say a damn thing about what to expect. My friend, on the other hand, described the sights and the smells and the icky stuff about texture and size.

I can't believe there's not a "what to expect when you're miscarrying" out there... or a Crappiest Club Ever site. These are important things.

[caltechgirl]

you are not an idiot. Since when is honesty idiocy?

[statia]

The fact that you can now embrace your bodily fluids and talk about them in great detail, not only with me, but the entire internet, makes me so very happy.

I think I just wept a tiny tear of joy.

[Lut C.]

Regarding movies, we should make a habit of noting which movies are IF-safe on imdb.com

I watched the Postman with Kev.in Cost.ner, and was unpleasantly suprised by the post-apocalypic IF plotline.

On the Crappiest Club Ever, I didn't realize the lack of information was that bad. That sucks.

[Donna]

The Children of Men is already out? How did I miss this?

['Nilla @ Vanilladreams]

Not an idiot. Because if you are? Then so am I.

After all I've been through -- deep down, I STILL think that one of those frozen embryos in that Seattle lab will result in a real, live baby.

Am I insane? Possibly.

If you want to start a Crappiest Club Ever, I will join you. I know I'm never going to get over mine, ever.

There should be a book called "What to expect when you're miscarrying" -- I'm sure we could all contribute chapters?

Nilla

[Meri-ann]

Can I join the Crappiest Club Ever too?!
As for all the fluids and icky stuff- I think your honesty is fantastic, there really should be more info out there - more REAL info- for what we go through.

[thalia]

You're right - the reality of miscarriage isn't there for us. I guess that's why grrl's blog was such a gathering place for everyone. Well done for getting this stuff out there.

[Anita]

Sign me up for the Crappiest Club Ever. No one told me about the gore-fest my body would go through the first time with the hotflashes, huge clots sliding out and the smell ... God the smell ... and I wish they had.

[Zee]

Count me in -- much as I try to avoid joining any club that would have me. ;-) I think it could be really helpful. I mean, people who've never been through it often don't get how it sucks on so many levels at once: Of course there's the physical pain and the gore factor. But at the same time there's the mental and emotional torture of losing a child. (Because, let's be honest, as soon as you know someone's in there, in your mind it's a child. You may say you're trying not to "get too excited" or "get your hopes up" but it's actually all horsepoop, and you know it even as you're saying it.)

Glad you're loving the acupuncture. I really feel like I've gotten a lot out of going too. (And no, I'm not knocked up yet. But I also haven't been near a sperm in five cycles. Damn that Atlantic Ocean!)