Prepping For My Prom Date While I'm Still in Junior High

My period is on its way-last night Aidan cuddled me from behind, and when he threw his arm across my boob I nearly reached out and smacked him-not because I'm not that kind of girl, but because it hurt like hell.  That, combined with the fact that I am inhaling every carbohydrate within a 5 mile radius let me know that it's nearly here.

So I rang the clinic to make sure everything was still on track.

Said clinic did indeed make me feel like an idiot-You're ok, Vanessa?  You're still going to cycle in January, Vanessa.  You're ringing....why?

I was actually ringing because I wanted to know if I needed to get my meds early-they close over Christmas and we leave two days after Christmas for an 11 day holiday, so I just wanted to be sure.  They asked me to come in in a couple of weeks, at which point I'd party with the pharmacist and get the party pack of needles.  Once again, we will start a cycle.  And once again, half of my eggs will be donated to another woman, who will be coming off the list and receiving eggs.

I remember when I told them that I needed a short break (we were on a break!) between cycles, they tiptoed around it-Are you sure you want that much time off?  We have a donee.  She's ready.  Perhaps a bit disappointed at the short wait, though.

And I do feel bad about that-I know that in some areas, the wait can be up to three years for eggs.  I know she wants to start, and start now.  I think when you've waited so long, when your number gets called you want it to happen NOW.  But there is absolutely no way I could have cycled over the holidays, and I knew that.  I knew that personally I couldn't have done it.  It's better for me to wait.  So I feel bad for her, but in a "this is the way it has to be" kind of way.

So, since we're in the same boat, that means the donee has to wait, too.

I wonder what it's like to be her-to be on a list, to be always on some kind of standby.  I wonder what it's like to get a call from the hospital, to hear that they've made a match, you wouldn't believe it, and the person whose eggs you'll get is a great responder, you'll have plenty to work with.  I wonder what goes through her head, and if she wonders what kind of person I am-does she worry that I run a whorehouse out of the back bedroom?  Does she stress that I may be the recreational crack user?  Does she think: God, I hope she's not really ugly.  If she is, I'll just say our child gets it from his side.  Or does she maybe not think about all of that?  Dunno.  If it were me, I'd wonder about her all the time, but then I'm pretty neurotic under non-IF circumstances, IF would send me into Woody Allen proportions.   

I am always aware of the other woman during the cycle.  The entire time I downreg and stim, I think about her.  I also definitely think about her during the retrieval, up until they tell me the egg count and how many each of us get (if there's an odd number, I get the extra egg.)  Then I don't think about her anymore, except to wish up a prayer to whatever god I have to hand that day, and wish her every possible hope of success and joy.  We're both on our own then, albeit still tethered by this thing called IVF, and this element called hope.

This is, also, the last time I'll be allowed to donate eggs.  Donations here cover the cost of the cycle (including drugs), so except for my FET (transfer and meds) and the cost of transfers (plus any tests Aidan has to have) we've gotten away with only having to pay out about £2000 for two cycles.  I do think I have one more cycle in me, should this one and any FETs after it fail.  As a couple, I think we can swing paying for one more fresh cycle, and then emotionally, physically, and mentally, we will be done.

Let's hope it doesn't get to that stage.

Here's to that other woman, looking at the Christmas decorations and thinking about January, too.

Comments

[Meri-ann]

Here's to you too... You're doing a really great thing.

[Bea]

I really love this post. I don't seem to read them from a donor's perspective.

Good luck to both of you.

Bea

[Kath]

Dear Vanessa, yes, I can imagine those thoughts are going through her head. And I can so understand about the waiting.

I hope the thought of a "next cycle" becomes entirely moot, for you and for your donee.

[teamwinks]

I think the release of control is difficult for all infertiles. Nothing is really up to us. Our bodies, the doctors, the meds, and on and on.

I'm sure the other family is anxious and very very excited. Perhaps you saved them from a BFN near Christmas. However, let's hope for a positive for everybody.

[lola]

Hi there Vanessa, I'm new to your blog (thx for your comments on my blog!) but I wanted to say that your post was so wonderful. You are doing a really amazing thing.

[statia]

You know I want this for you more than anything in the world.

[Watson]

Wow, what an amazing gift to be able to donate eggs. I love how you send up a prayer.

Here's to the next cycle being a total success for all involved!!

[carey]

I agree with the others - what an amazing gift you are giving someone.
Here's to Karma!!

[caltechgirl]

here's to you, hon, for doing this for someone else. And here's to the next one being THE one.

[Lut C.]

The clinic had the nerve to ask you about your time off?
Really? Perhaps it looks worse in writing than it was.

Before our cycle went bust, I thought a little about egg donation, very hypothetically I admit. I'm young enough, I know what IVF is like and I identify very much with the IF woman that would be a recipient.
Now I'm afraid I'll be looking at it from the receiving end in the foreseeable future.

Hearing your perspective is very interesting.

[Jenny (vegas)]

I really, really, really love you.
Nothing but the best from my heart to yours. Well, mostly to your womb. You know what I mean.

[sophie]

Many buckets of fairy dust headed your way. Enjoy the holidays before it is time for the other.

[Just Me]

Tom Petty knows for shit about waiting, huh?

Praying/hoping/dreaming like crazy for you, m'love. You always have my most bestest wishes for your extreme-to-the-max happiness.

Love and light always sent in your direction,

[Josie]

You are amazing! Can I clone you? We are currently starting to pursue donor eggs and even though we may go with a known donor, I am so happy to read this post. On behalf of all donor egg recipients - THANK YOU!

[Anita]

Selfless, magnanimous, gracious, all heart, altruistic, beneficent, benevolent, bighearted, bountiful, charitable, chivalrous, considerate, forgiving, generous, great, great-hearted, handsome, kind, kindly, knightly, liberal, lofty, munificent, noble, open-handed, prince, princely, selfless, soft, ungrudging, unselfish, unstinting.

You are all of these and more.

Kharma ... it will all come back to you tenfold one day.

[shazz]

Your a Beautiful person.