Getting There

We're narrowing down to kick-off for counting.  You know, the kick-off for counting?  Day 1 of the period should be Monday, which then gives us starting day for meds.  The clinic called me two days ago to check on my cycle, and thus armed on when the Armageddon Blood Flow will arrive, the donee is starting her protocol now (I have no idea what the protocol is for egg donees, I know only that it takes a long damn time.)

Which is much like my cycles do.  I read about IVF treatments in the States, and I swear you guys cycle as fast as it takes me to eat an Egg McMuffin.  We may start treatment on the same day, but by the time I've put my first used Buserelin syringe in the orange box you have already had an embryo transfer (and are, invariably, knocked up).  Cycles here rock the schedule for 6 weeks, leading to many appointments with the frozen Mr. Bump patch and my fluid-retaining ass to desperately try to feel normal. 

Good times, my friends.  Good times.

Truthfully, I'm ready to start again.  The miscarriage has stopped affecting me so fucking badly, and although I do feel sad about it from time to time, I think I've moved on (and my nice therapist agrees). 

I've also started to feel differently about IVF.  The sincere and vivid desperation I had is fading-while I want it to work more than anything, I do also see there will be an end of the road to the fertility treatment.  We've got this cycle and its corresponding FET.  I want to do one more fresh cycle that we will pay for and any FETs that result, and then honestly?  If it doesn't work by then it's not going to.  That will be the end of my road.  At that point, I get to work on figuring out what I want from life, and how to make my life as complete as possible without feeling such depression and envy that I want to ram a strollered- Gorby at people.

So we'll see.  We get our drugs next week.  Poor Aidan has to update his HIV test and the boy does not do needles well.  The drugs will (depending on when Day 1 of my period is) either come with us over the holiday to Canada or will stay here and wait for our return.  Either way, at least we have a plan.

And if I'm honest, I feel really positive about trying again (note: this does not mean I am stupid enough to be super positive about the outcome.  I am an old-timer at this game, I'm not that daft.  I am "optimistic" about my outcome, but in a "seriously, I have pinot noir as a fallback" kind of way). 

Comments

[thalia]

Oh I totally get the difference between being excited about cycling again and being optimistic about the outcome. So not the same thing. It is just so much easier when you're doing something, isn't it?

[statia]

You sound like you're ready and somewhat cautiously hopeful. I think that's a good thing.

I'd tell you to relax, but I really want to avoid black eyes for Christmas. :o)

Fetus (and all of us) are rooting for you.

[Jenny (vegas)]

They do HIV tests here with a cheek swab that looks like a toothbrush that you bite on. See if they have one of those for Aiden. I totally can't do blood well either.

OH - if he gets squirmy about them taking it out of his arm, have them pull it from his hand. Stings a bit more but it's 10x easier. That's how they have to do with me because I'll pass out or ralph if they miss the vein in my arm even once.

[caltechgirl]

I'm glad you're ready for this cycle. As always, fingers and toes crossed for you.

And I empathize with Aidan. I hate needles too. The hand thing works pretty well: no bruise, and it stops hurting faster, even if it hurts more at the time.

[carey]

The egg donation part is just shooting up the drugs and many encounters with the dildo-cam. Somewhere on my blog (under Nov. 06), my calendar is posted and since I am technically considered an egg donor (even though my eggs are going into my partner) my protocol should look pretty similar to your donors. If you are interested anyhow... We decided to be over the top optimistic this time around... I might even put up a ticker tomorrow after my embryo transfer!! LOL Now, how fucking optimistic is that??? I think the hormones are taking over my brain. Really, glad to see you are getting the ball rolling on this!!

[Lut C.]

If it's any consolation, I'm hoping to start my next cycle for Christmas, and aiming for retrieval at the beginning of February.
I'm not sure short cycles is a U.S. thing, I thought it was a protocol used in patients with lower response rates.

Like you, I can't wait to start again. The outcome? Hah!

['Nilla @ Vanilla Dreams]

Why do you think the egg recipient's protocol would be so long? Just wondering if they do it differently there or something....Because in Canada and the US, a donee cycle shouldn't be any different (or any longer) than your typical medicated FET cycle.

Anyway, I'm glad to hear that you are moving ahead with your cycle plans. Glad also that the miscarriage scars are healing somewhat -- but I can tell you that in one year, a little scar will always still remain. I don't think I'll ever fully "get over it".

I feel much better when I'm cycling, too. (And Stupid, STUPID me to not think of that and PLAN a goddamned FET DURING the "anniversary" of the twins' miscarriage! I would have felt MUCH better going through the one year anniversary had I been cycling -- instead, I was practically suicidally depressed! Learned my lesson, I guess -- just hope there is not another UN-pregnant Miscarriage Annivesary to endure!)

Let me know when you transfer date is, once you find out....It sounds like you're going to be very close to mine: January 29th.

Take care!
xx
Nilla

[teamwinks]

I'm excited for you that you are healing and ready to get back on the horse (or should I say back on the table?!)

[Bea]

When the "ready" feeling is there, and the "getting started" day arrives, it's a good feeling.

I'm beginning to think the first couple of cycles are the worst. The "breaking in" period when you're worried, on top of everything, about whether you'll cope. Then you realise you'll survive, at least, for one more cycle and that one more cycle seems a little less scary.

I imagine this changes too, as the cycles go by, and maybe it all gets scary again.

At any rate, good luck and enjoy Canada.

Bea

['Nilla @ Vanilladreams]

Oh, and speaking of my country -- where in Canada are you going again?