When TV is Stressful

The BBC has been running a series recently called A Child Against All Odds.  Aidan and I started watching it when it premiered-it consists of 6 episodes all presented by Professor Lord Robert Winston, a world-renowned fertility expert and the Professor of Fertility Studies at Imperial College School of Medicine, London University.  He wasn't part of the Louise Brown IVF success, but he was one of the PGD pioneers, and he also is a sterilization reversal expert, gynae microbiologist, and all round cool chap, really.  When he presents the shows you get it, you don't feel like he talks down to you, and he gives you his opinion, which is something I whole-heartedly respect.

Anyway, it's difficult watching in our house.  IVF is a fraught topic, one that more often than not ends into a heated discussion/argument/depression/heavy drinking bout/days of ignoring each other/me crying quietly in the front seat of the car.  So when we watch these episodes, it's with the knowledge that we may or may not agree with each other. 

The episodes themselves are pretty fraught for me.  I watch them and generally seem to get pretty emotionally invested in them.  This is likely because I am an IVF chick myself, and especially as an IVF chick going through IVF treatment in Britain, I can relate to a lot of the stories.

The first episode is the one I had the hardest time with.  Episode 1 was called Choosing Children, and was about PGD.   Now, I really objected to the title of the episode-you don't "choose" children in PGD, it's a strict genetic screening designed to help parents-for example, two of the couples going through IVF with PGD were doing so because they both had chromosomal abnormalities in their genes, which spellt bad news for their progeny-1 couple had a severely disabled daughter as a result of the abnormalities, the other couple lost one of their children before he turned 1 due to problems.  It was absolutely heart-breaking and I wished for those couples. 

Then it was about choosing children-one couple, who had four healthy, happy boys (all conceived naturally as she explained that she's "incredibly fertile") but decided they wanted a girl.  They wanted PGD to get a girl, too, which in the UK is illegal (and I'm sorry, but I agree that it should be.)  So off they flew to Crete, where she produces only two eggs.  Only one is fertilized and-guess what?-that embryo is female.  So they transfer it back in, the husband gleefully exclaims that "the battle is all over, the hard part is done", which leads to me jumping up and down screaming: You TOSSER! Don't you know anything?  You're up against implantation now, in your over 40 wife with a single grade 2 egg!  The truth is, I was bouncing up and down with indignation-all they kept saying is that their life was incomplete without a girl....and they kept saying it in front of their sons.  I was horrified on their behalves. 

Suffice to say, it didn't work for them, but apparently they plan on continuing to try.  I don't know if I wish them success or not, and that makes me a real fucking whore, but seriously-I am one of those bitches that thinks: You have four incredible, beautiful boys.  Go with it.  Love your boys.  Turn your back on the difficulty that is IVF and love your gorgeous children, regardless of what sex they are.

I am a preachy bitch today.

Anyway, Episode 2 was called Ice Babies, and was particularly hard for me. It was about FETs and, specifically in this program, about cancer survivors using their frozen embryos once they had the all-clear (although one part of the program was about the cancer survivor and her partner who broke up after her cancer treatment, and how she's appealing to the EU as he won't let her use their embryos now).  There was some tear-choking back from me as I watched these women and their frozen dreams.

Episode 3 was called Make Me a Dad, about male factor infertility.  One of the guys was a cancer survivor and a paraplegic, the other simply had no live boys.  So the one without the live boys had the most gruesome surgery I have ever seen-he was AWAKE-to remove tubes within his testes that might have sperm.  Believe it or not, they found one live sperm.  They fertilized one of his partner's eggs, transferred back the badly graded cell...and presto, she does get knocked up.  In fact, in this program both of the couples succeeded.

Episode 4 last week was called Cheating Time, and was about older mothers.  They even interviewed the Romanian woman who gave birth at 66.  I have to say, while I'm pro older women trying, the 66 year-old made me feel uncomfortable-she had no family.  No one.  Should she pass away-and she was tiny and frail-her daughter would be in an orphanage.

Episode 5 - The Gift of Life -  This one is on tomorrow and is the most worrisome.  It's about egg donees and egg donors.  One of the stories is similar to my own-a woman donates half of her own eggs, because not only does it help defray the cost of our own cycles, but we can get a woman off the waiting list anyway.  Between this episode and the PMS I am experiencing (can you say crying jag?) I suspect I'll be a bit of a mess.

I usually am, anyway.

What gets me is that so far, none of the women who wound up pregnant have miscarried.  It thus makes me feel like the unluckiest person in the world-I did the same drugs as they did.  I have had the same kind of clinic they did. 

Fuck.

Of course, the most painful episode is still to come.  That last episode next week, Episode 6, is called Whatever It Takes.  It's about women reaching the end of their tries.  It's about couples figuring out when enough is enough.  That's the episode I fear the most-not only could it potentially cause a bust up at home, but the topic is pretty painful in and of itself.

Maybe that will be one I record and wait to watch it.  I'll sandwich it in between Terms of Endearment and Old Yeller, it'll be a real party.

Comments

[Kath]

Oh, Vanessa. What incredible stories to watch. I think the situation at my house would be much the same as in yours -- I'd be asking myself, can I bear it? Can he? Will we agree or disagree? Will we argue? Will I end up an awful wreck? But even so, I'd love to see those programs. I like Robert Winston a lot...

[Mina Wolf]

Before my husband and I got married, we discussed infertitlity issues and in our case, possible adoption. I was so worried for a bit since he didn't think adoption was necessary and I felt that whatever it took, I needed to be a mother. It's such a hard place to be in. This person you love and who you want to be a parent with has different opinions about something so deeply felt then you. How do you come to terms with it? It's still one of the fears I have in life. Hoping that we don't come across something that big that might be able to possibly break us.

Anyway, I'm sending all my happy thoughts your way in hopes that you get through these shows and you get through the next few months successfully.

[Watson]

Good Lord, what fortitude it must take to watch that series!

I could barely get through the IF-related storylines on 'Friends' and 'Sex And The City' a few years back...I am a total wimp.

(And you might want to add 'Bambi' in the mix when you watch Episode 6, just to cover all your bases.)

But on a more serious note, I hope they're thought-provoking in a good way, too. And I wish you all the best on your own journey...

[teamwinks]

I couldn't watch it. You are incredibly crazy or brave! :-)

[thalia]

Thanks for writing this, I've been meaning to write about these programs and haven't got round to it. I've been squirming and shouting along with you, H is refusing to watch it.

[Lut C.]

I didn't realize prof. Winston was a fertility specialist. I thought he was an anthropologist, from all the series he did with the BBC. Anyway, I like his style.

I've been watching the series with my husband too. The couple that wanted to choose the sex of their child bothered us too. Intellectually, I can understand that couple has an honest yearning to have a girl. But I can not sympathize, not by a long shot. Thank goodness for the fast forward button.

What surprises me is how most of the couples are successful. Do they just not show the other couples?

I'm looking forward to the donor episode, maybe it will help me broach the subject with my husband.

[AJ]

Hi - I too am watching the series as a fellow IVF-er, and I have to say I have had tears in my eyes on more than one occasion as I relate to (some) of the scenarios. We are currently in the midst of another ICSI cycle which I am finding physically incredibly demanding but I sit on the couch each week with fingers crossed for the people involved just hoping they get the outcomes they wish for. It's a bit like driving past a car crash, if you will excuse the awful analogy ... you don't want to watch in case you see the worst but find you're peeking through your fingers anyway.
Having said that, I find all of Prof Winston's programmes compelling so I think I will have to see the series out!

[Michele]

Part of me would've loved to see the series ... the other part of me knows that I would have watched it through tear filled eyes. I only wish our friends and family could've seen the bit on PGD.

You see, PGD is the only way we can assure that we have an rh negative baby - meaning getting pregnant with a baby that my bitch of a body won't kill. Certain friends and family, knowing we are going through "the process" again right now, have been joking around saying that we should choose the "perfect child" as if we could pick and choose. "So you guys are going to choose to have a boy, right?" Slap hand to forehead.

So, yeah, I found your other blog - kind of by accident. I knew it was out here and I was going to ask you about it but I didn't. I feared I was one of those women you couldn't handle to read about after your miscarriage. My heart ached for you and I wished I could show you the light that was ahead even though the fog was so thick.

I hope that it's ok that I am reading ... I know this is an old old old post but what the hell, right?