Reaching the Halfway Point

Do be do be dooooo....

Right.

So I'm nearing the halfway mark of this cycle.  And you wanna know something?  Come in closer.  Leeeeeeeeean in...

I haven't been thinking about this cycle very much.

I KNOW.  You might think: That ungrateful whore, she doesn't deserve IVF!  She hasn't been dwelling over her cycle constantly?  It's not foremost in her mind?   But the truth is, I think I've just been down this IVF path so many times  that it's becoming something  that doesn't own me anymore.  I am cycling.  I am injecting myself.  This is life.  I should start stims on Monday*.

I have been so vacant I nearly forgot my shot one evening, so we have had to set an alarm.  I have had few side effects this time around-I remember the last two cycles everything made me cry.  Now?  Not so much.  I had one crying jag, but as it turns out that was likely PMS-even my period took me by surprise.  I went to the toilet on Saturday and saw blood on the paper.  I looked up and shook my fist at God, thinking But I already miscarried, I can't do it again! when I realized I was being a fucking Muppet-stuffing toilet paper in the crotch of my knickers I went downstairs to check the calendar in the kitchen.  The calendar is my routine, it is where I have-for my entire life, since I have started to have this bleeding every fucking 26 days (because 28 would be too much to ask for)-ticked a tiny X on the bottom of every day I bleed.  I counted up and sure enough-it was Period Party central time. 

So I can't even count a crying jag.

I think I might have had one hot flash yesterday, that might count.  Of course, I was also wearing three layers of clothing and had to run for the train, so that might have something to do with it. 

I half wonder if this cycle is even working.  Maybe instead of Buserelin they gave me water.  I'm on the placebo.  Somewhere there's a file that says "Vanessa-Lab Rat Extraordinaire".

But I do still feel positive about this cycle, actually.

And I feel positive for the other woman, too.

About the BBC thing-I'm a bit torn.  On the one hand, you did get the impression that desperate women were being preyed upon.  On the other, it is a private hospital-they can charge what they want.  They do have good success rates, but I did wonder if all that they offered up was really necessary.  I remember in that Child Against All Odds programme that at least  one of the women on the show was at that clinic.  She wound up getting pregnant, so where there's smoke...

But he did smack of "cowboy" a bit to me, but then I go to a very conservative clinic, so what would I know.

Onwards and upwards.  The cycle continues.

*for those of you new to this game or from the other site, an IVF protocol generally works thus (and this is the easy version, I don't do the technical side of it):

1- you put yourself into a state of menopause using a nasal spray or injections.  This is where I currently am.  You want to keep your body from ovulating, have a period and strip the uterus back to the hardwood floors, and ensure your lining gets very thin.  This part is called down-regulating.

2-once your lining is nice and thin and the ovaries are "quiet", you then throttle back the other direction and take a new drug, an injection, designed to kick the shit out of your ovaries.  This part is called stims, for stimulation of the ovaries (although I can't stop wondering when they're going to scream "Yes!  Yes!  Yessssssssssss!")  You start producing eggs (follicles).  You keep taking the menopause-like drug, but just enough to keep from ovulating, because if you do that it's party over for the cycle.  You want a good number of eggs, our clinic believes this is anywhere from 6-20.  For an egg donor, I need at least 8.  In my last two cycles, I had 21 and 19, so I'm hoping to be somewhere around that mark.

3-once you have lots of nice follicles that are nice and big, you take a final shot, called a trigger shot.  This is a hormone like hcg, which is the hormone you produce when you're pregnant.  This shot is designed to get the follicles ready to ovulate, only the doctors come in with big needles (and nice dreamy anesthetic) before that, and take out the follicles.

4-at this point, you start taking progesterone (in the States it's usually a painful injection, in the UK it's usually a messy vaginal suppository) to get your body ready.  The clinic introduces the eggs and the sperm by first name.  They make out and (if you've sacrificed enough virgins) become embryos.

5-our clinic transfers the embryos after 2 days into the nice shmoopy uterus.

6-thus starteth the dreaded two week wait, or 2ww, during which time I keep shoving the suppositories (aka waxy bullets) up the hoch and wait and see if the embryos will take or not.  A pregnancy test after two weeks will provide the answer.

Comments

[sophie]

I can see the positives in being calm aboutit. Hang in there!

[Lut C.]

I wish I could borrow some of your state of calmness. I'm obsessing too much. Maybe laying off the blogging would help me.

I saw the panorama episode. Pushing IVF on a 26-year old with no indication of fertility problems? That's a bit steep.
Suggesting an HSG to start with, and perhaps IUI after that sounded more sensible, though the panel took objection to that as well.

[statia]

I can't wait to hear stories of ricocheting suppositories.

[Anita]

Waxy bullets? Here in the Great White North we are referring to them as 'cooter shooters'. It's a huge trend, all the cool IFer's are saying it. Feel free to take this trend on across the pond.

[Ali]

Thanks for the rundown on the whole IVF process. How many times have I read about that damn trigger shot without knowing what people were talking about? Too many times to count. Good luck on this cycle.

[ilyka]

Hell, yes to the calm, because why not? You have earned it.

And thank you so much for the IVF-for-dummies! I had put some of this together on my own but I never did understand about the trigger shot or even the progesterone, really.

Waxy bullets [shudder]. Shall I tell you a fine old story from Back in the Day, the Day when yeast infection treatments first went over the counter, except they cost $15-20, you had to take them for seven days and nights, and your choices were between "gross cream" or "waxy bullet" formula? No, absolutely, I agree: Let's NOT hear that story.

But I don't envy you the progesterone suppositories. You have my sympathy.

[thalia]

I was very disconnected from our FET cycle as well, partly because I didn't have to do much, which was a bit of a shock.

Btw the reason for 'stripping back the lining to the hard wood floors' (love that) etc., is to give the docs control of your reproductive endocrine system, not becuase they necessarily need the lining to be thin etc first. They want to make sure there's none of your own FSH etc being produced which might mess up the cycle. Good summary.

[Pepper]

I can't thank you enough for this post! I've always wanted to know what those abbs. meant. I always felt like I was looking in but not really understanding. Thanks for that and best of luck with everything!

[teamwinks]

I'm just saying hi. It's about as much as I can muster today. I'm all for your calm. It looks good on you!

[Watson]

I think your calm demeanor this cycle is a good thing.

And the fact that you're feeling optimistic as well?

AWESOME as we annoying Californians say.

I wish you all the best this cycle!

[Marie Baguette]

Great to hear you are doing good and that you are not obsessing about your cycle. Just a remark: in the US, I mean at least where I am treated, we get chalky suppositories AND pregesterone shots. So you get both yeast infections from the suppositories that wreak havoc on your "flora" AND your butt hurts like hell. I am surprised by the transfer after 2 days. Isn't too early? Here it seems to be 4 days (or maybe I have very slow growing embryos, or maybe it is because I am going through ICSI?). I am just curious to know more about this. Bonne chance and keep us updated!

[Sarah]

Oops! I forgot to delurk last week, just checking in to say good luck and keep those wisecracks coming! Loving your attitude! (Fingers but not legs crossed for you!)

[ellie]

Nice overview of the process. I kind of wish we all were so familiar with it that we could explain it so well :) I hope the rest of the cycle goes well.