Twisted Ovaries

Retrieval

Retrieval went better than last time-less pain, no pethidine needed.  I was home by 1 pm, but have been really dozy from the anesthetic today, so combined with the downstairs PC committing suicide, I haven't been able to update (and am going back to bed once this post is uploaded).

Things are a little bit concerning-while the clinic is optimistic that we will have something to transfer on Wednesday, I not only had record low numbers of eggs, but the quality varied-2 were mature, the majority were borderline, and 2 looked "faint, but still a possibility", whatever the hell that means.  They said not to get too hung up on egg quality, as it's fertilization and quality of the embryos that counts, so I'm remaining calm.

I am also remaining optimistic, despite being a veteran at this IVF business, despite the odds, despiet the danger of being so positive.

We should get a phone call first thing tomorrow updating the time for transfer and how well the embryos are doing.

For those who said "Please please please" with me, I thank you.  If you have a god, an idol, a mantra, a prayer, if you want to keep saying that, it would mean a lot to me.  We are not out of the woods yet-there's still the hope that as the clinic sleeps my little guys keep dividing, and then hope for transfer, hope for implantation, hope for sticking around 8.5 months and, well, you know the drill.

I could use all the help I can get.

Because something out there helped me (and if it's you, I thank you and I love you).

This morning, they retrieved exactly 8 eggs. 

FUCK

The rules have changed:

1) If we get 8 eggs, the donee gets 4 and I get 4.
2) If we get 7 eggs, the donee decides if she wants to take 3 and give us the other 4.  If she chooses not to take the 3 (which I don't imagine why she wouldn't) I get the 7 eggs free of charge.
3) If I get less than 7, I can choose to either give her all of the eggs or keep them myself-if I keep them, it's no cost to me, and if I give her the lot, then my next cycle at the clinic is free of charge. 

The scan today revealed 5 follicles looking the right size for retrieval.  There are 6 that are on the small side, ranging 8-12mm-this is smaller than they hope for at this stage.  My lining is over-the-moon perfect at 16.5mm, which the RE called "fat", and which is the first time I am ok with being called fat.

They want to go ahead with embryo retrieval on Monday-if we wait until Wednesday, we will likely lose the bigger follicles.

I need to take two more massive stim doses in hopes of getting the smaller ones larger.  I take the trigger shot of Pregnyl on Saturday night.  Retrieval is set for first thing Monday morning. 

I am abject over the whole thing.  I am struggling to stay as positive as I was.  My acupuncturist kindly put it to me last night that the truth is, I simply wasn't stimulated enough, I just needed higher doses than last time.  He says that I need to think of myself and not the other woman for now.  But even if we get 8 eggs, it means that this cycle will be just a fresh one-I sincerely doubt there will by anything left to freeze. 

If I get less than 7 we agreed that we would give the lot to the other woman.  Mostly we'd be doing so because we feel that she's been waiting 18 months and placing as many dreams as I have on this-if she doesn't get my lot she goes to the back of the queue again, and if she's an older woman, that will mean party over for the IVF chances, something that we are agreed is not ok.

I keep crying.  Aidan is in a ferocious mood-the clinic didn't give us enough medication and so I have to go back to the clinic, which is over an hour in total travel time.  We are already in an argument (you know it's bad when you ask for a hug and some support and they come up to you, hug you, and say "There. You happy now?" in a really-I-don't-care-if-you're-happy-or-not tone of voice.  It's also bad when I'm spinning like a top and can't quit stressing, I know I'm not easy to live with then). 

I need to get more than 8 eggs for this egg share stress to stop but the problem is even if there's 8, my 4 eggs for me is not a bumper crop by any stretch, especially comparted to my last cycle where I had 19.  I know there's nothing I can do one way or another, and at some point I hope I stop stressing about it, but I'm not there yet.

I need 8.

Please let the little ones catch up.  Please.  Please please please.

I have nothing funny for today, not in the slightest.