This Thing Known as Pregnancy

Right, so...I'm pregnant.

Definitely pregnant. 

The morning of the test, I woke up suddenly not because I knew it was test day (even though I knew it was and dreamt about it all night) but because I knew I had to go vomit (true, don't roll your eyes like that!)

I'm currently battling every single symptom known to pregnant-dom-

- Breast tenderness (aka Sweet Jesus don't touch them) - but I know that's also progesterone-related.  Although yesterday I got out of the shower to see massive veins on the top of my boobs.  I'm sure boobs have veins and all, I just had never seen mine looking like someone had taken a "Windswept Water" crayola and gone to town with it before.

- Fatigue - I didn't have this one the last time I was pregnant (all 2 weeks of it), and I laughed at the idea.  I'm a long-term insomniac, fatigue just doesn't hit me.  Until now.  Now, I take naps.  I would take naps on top of naps.  Yesterday I had to be in the office in London all day and I nearly crawled under the desk to just get some kip, I was so tired I was nearly in tears.  I'm also still hideously dizzy a lot, and hopefully that'll disappear soon.

- Nausea - Check.  In fact, like Thalya, an empty stomach is a bad thing.  I have to eat throughout the day in order to keep sickness at bay.  I have indeed been puking.  I don't have morning sickness so much as "Surprise!  I'm any time of the day!" sickness.  Luckily, I can't face junk food, chocolate, crisps, chips or anything like that.  I want fruit and raw vegetables.  So at least my hcg has a healthy slant to it.

- Constipation or wind - I don't have constipation (thanks, progesterone bullets!) but I got you covered on the wind.  I continue to blame it on the dog.  He had it coming.

- Aversion to smell - check.  Aidan likes Marmite on his toast for breakfast, and I have to get the hazmat kit out when the Marmite is broken out.  The tube is something to be avoided-while not exactly Spring fresh smelling anyway, it's almost untolerable.  Yesterday on the tube a woman sat down next to me with a giant bag of fried plantain.  I had to keep battling to keep the bile down, and thankfully only had to travel two stops with her, otherwise I definitely would have quietly said to her: "Uh, madame?  I'm sure your fried plantain is lovely, but for the good of all the people packed into this tube car, for the love of Peter Pan, please close the fucking bag or everyone's going to see a puking extravaganza."

- Mood swings - oh God yes.  Sometimes I'm angry.  Other times, I tear up and would like to teach the world to sing (in perfect harmony.)  TV makes me cry.  A lot.

- Cramps and twinges - I do still have cramps and I have weird pulling sensations inside, like twinges.  Also, my stomach feels like I've done 1,000 situps (which trust me, the thought of doing even one situp never crossed my mind). 

I am actually losing weight, but maybe that's the puking.  I called the clinic on Wednesday to tell them the news and to get more cyclogest.  Then I called back because I had a few questions-it was a different RE on the phone, and she wished me congratulations right away (news travels fast!)  She confirmed it's ok to start swimming now (which I have started to do).  She also confirmed it was ok to start vacuuming again.

Whore.

(Just kidding, I love my clinic.)

I asked if I had to keep drinking the H20 equivalent of Niagara Falls still every day.  She said yes.

Whore again.

(Just kidding again...mostly.)

We've booked my scan for the 13th of March.  If I thought the 2ww was long (and I did), this feels like even further away.  Christmas will come before that date.  I'll start drawing my pension before I get to the 13th.  The 13th feels like that metaphorically hallway, the long one that keeps growing and you never get to the end of it, even though you're running to the end.  In slow motion.  Knee-deep in maple syrup.  While giving John Goodman a piggyback ride.

The scan will be the furthest I have gotten, if we get that far.  Last time we were about 4 days away from the scan when I miscarried.  The scan is some big golden ball in the sky for me, a target, a milestone.  The scan - if I can keep from miscarrying -   should show a heartbeat and if there are two of them it'll be difficult, as Aidan worries the stress of twins will break us up, but I'm not going to worry about twins right now, at all.  One step at a time.  Please don't have a go at me or think I'm ungrateful, I know you might think that I'm taking the whole pregnancy thing for granted by saying that, but I swear I'm not - I am absolutely, positively 100% thrilled to have gotten a positive, I'm just being mindful of Aidan's wishes, too (but even if it's twins, I honestly think he and I will make it through.  It'll be hard, I've no doubt about that, but I think we can pull it off and come out the other side just fine. I don't want to debate it further, it's bad karma.)

In all seriousness (hey-I can be serious), I force myself to not feel fear about miscarrying, even though it's foremost in my mind.   I continue to see a therapist, partly because I want to break patterns in the parenting style in my background, and he tells me to trust in Life-Life has been doing its gig a long time, and Life knows what to do (why yes, he's a hippie, how did you guess?)

So I'm trying to trust. Last time I got knocked up at the same time as a load of other bloggers, and I was one of two who miscarried.  This time I got knocked up at the same time as a load of other bloggers, and I tell myself that since my symptoms are so much bigger this time than last time, I'll be ok.   Because I feel so positive and am focusing on actually staying pregnant, I tell myself it'll all be all right.  I have to feel positive, I have to trust this time it's going to work.

The truth is, on the pregnancy test on Wednesday, the positive came up bright and shiny.  It came up before the control line even came up.  I took one yesterday and the test line was twice as bright as the test line,  and unless I start bleeding, it'll be the last test I take (because the little plastic fuckers are looking at me and saying "Bitch, please-will you quit throwing away your money now?") 

If I bleed, I think I'll just have to hang in there and trust in life...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I crack myself up, if I start to bleed I'm racing to the local A&E, which has an Early Pregnancy Unit, and will be stuffing up my hooch anything remotely resembling an ultrasound wand, so those kidney-shaped bedpans better lube up. 

March 13.  I have to get to March 13.  And it sounds all Love Child and weird, but I'm going to try to trust in Life and in my body, and buckle myself in.  In the meantime, I'm just glad to have gotten as far as I have.

Comments

[Justme]

If you try this maybe the time will go by faster? Pretend you are here in the States and you have to get everything together for tax season? You don't know were anything is, think 17th, no wait they are giving us an extra few days because thats a Saturday and Monday is some kind of holiday! Shoot, well the 20th? Thats no excuse, thats plenty of time to get your shit together to have your taxes done. Ok well I tried. Um ya, lets see what else can we pretend to shoot for to keep your mind off it? Any other idea's people?

[infertilegirl]

Don't read my rant on "The Secret", the book Oprah talked about on her show. I was bitter at the time. Looks like you got this positive thing down. You're living the dream.....

[Alex]

Isn't it just a bit troublesome that Aidan has issues with more than one child in there, if that should be the case down the road? I mean, it's going to be a bit late to object if it happens, isn't it?

He's known all along that it's a possibility, right?

[Vanessa]

Alex-he knows, it's why we only put back 1 in my last fresh cycle. I know I'm not alone in this, I've seen other of bloggers whose partners have children from a previous relationship discuss the same thing (that their partners dread twins) and I think maybe those gents who have been through child-rearing before are particularly wary. Twins tend to be less of an issue (as far as I've seen) for those bloggers and their husbands/partners who have no children, either together or seperately.

[Bea]

I know what you mean about twins. I would feel so much safer with a singleton - we both would. Of course, in a toss up between twins and nothing... well I'm sure I don't have to finish that sentence, even though it would have been quicker to do so instead of stating that I'm not going to. And everything would most likely turn out just fine in the end. Etc.

Bea

[Alex]

Good to hear it. I know twins scare me, too (mainly because, with the one already here, my wife and I would be outnumbered)

[Sara]

Congratulations! While puking doesn't sound fun, it must be reassuring in this case.

Way to go, attitude-wise! Keep up the good work.

[donna]

In a sick sort of way, I am thrilled that you are feeling every single symptom. I felt the same thing when I was early pregnant - like the worse I felt, the more likely the pregnancy was to stick or something. So I'm going to say that I wish you lots more fatigue, sore boobs, puking and constipation. You know it's only because I love you!

[thalia]

Symptoms are good, we like symptoms.keeping it all crossed for you.

[abs]

this is the best news! i am so pleased for you!

abs x

[jenny]

That's a pretty good laundry list of symptoms. Is it crazy to say that I hope you keep feeling like shit (meaning that it is a good sign). March 13 does seem like a long time, thankgod Feb is a short month.

[Tinker]

As awful as they are, symptoms can be oh-so-reassuring.

I'm with you on the longer-than-forever wait until the ultrasound.

As for napping under the desk, I've done it before, so don't feel bad about grabbing some much-needed zzzzs.

[caltechgirl]

Well, I'll say it and not feel at all bad about it: I hope you continue to feel like utter ass!

[Donna]

I hope the maple syrup clears out of your hallways, that's going to be a bitch to clean up later. You always come up with the best metaphors! This all sounds good to me. Of course, I'm not puking on the tube.

[Jill]

I am going to join in and keep my fingers crossed that you continue to feel like shit (in a good way, of course!)

[Kath]

Wow, Vanessa, you got yourself some class A symptoms there! I do hope that the nausea doesn't get any worse. And of course I'm hoping so hard that March 13 brings you amazingly good news, and that the good news keeps on coming.

I have to confess to laughing at the sentence "In fact, like Thalya, an empty stomach is a bad thing." Hee hee!

[Patience]

Nothing wrong with a bit of Love Child- and trusting is a good start... x

[Nicole]

So, I think I will just post a link to your post from my blog and say, "Yeah, what she said." I am experiencing all of the fun times you are, but I am way to tired to give a good post about it. Thanks for doing the work for me. :)

[marie-baguette]

Can't you get an earlier scan? Here in the US, we get a scan a week after the blood test (or is it 10 days?). It is great that you try to relax and be positive. We are all rooting for you!

[judi]

I'm raising a non-alcholoic glass of champagne in the hopes that all of those symptoms continue until your second trimester. Damn if those symptoms don't suck those first few weeks. The flu is nothing in comparison. But none the less it is reassuring.

[V5]

I don't know about the rest of the symptoms, but damn that morning sickness. When my ex-wife was pregnant I had a terrible case of sympathy morning sickness. I had it really, really bad! To her endless amusement she'd deliberately make little wretching noises just to watch me race to the bathroom and puke up my half eaten breakfast. AHH the things we do for fun.

Anyway, really cold Sprite, 7Up, or Ginger Ale really helped keep my stomach settled. Although I think I remember reading somewhere that pregnant ladies shouldn't have Ginger or Ginger Ale.

Anyway, just a thought that one of them might help settle your stomach.

Best wishes and prayers,

V5

[Jenny (vegas)]

I am SO marking March 13 on my calendar. Absolutely positively.

This is so exciting!!! And congrats on the symptoms, even though they make you feel like crap. Symptoms are good.

[Lut C.]

Friend plantain on the tube? Is this the next big thing in all the fish and chip places?

[kitty]

That is wonderful news! I'm sending good thoughts and lots of love your way.

[Mina Wolf]

I come back from my vacation to read this. I can't tell you how big the smile on my face is! As for the twins issue, I totally understand both of your concerns to be honest. My best friend has twins and I know just had bad it can get with the pregnancy and raising them. But my mom always says that children tend to bring their own "kismet" with them. It sounds like a nice thought and I think I'll keep it.

Hoping and wishing that the year of the golden pig is beautiful for you too!