Bad Explanations

So I'm still hanging in there.  Still all the ongoing symptoms, although the restless leg is better (thanks Caltechgirl and V5, for the suggestion!) but the nausea and exhaustion continues.

Also...what's up with the permanently sticking out nipples?  I'm just saying.  Where did those come from?

A big part of our lives is alcohol.  Not in the "twitchy, gaspy, strange Nicholas Cage movie kind of way", but we often have friends over and we have wine.  On weekends, we have wine.  With work mates, we go out to the pub and catch up over wine.  I know it sounds like we should be carrying around plastic chips and attending group, but trust me, we don't need to start any 12-step program (and we even put the brakes on having any alcohol during the week).  We do enjoy a bottle on a Saturday night (although in cases of miscarriage, then I just mainline the stuff.  It's easier that way.)

Since getting knocked up, I've put the kaibosh on that for me.  Even though the doctor said two glasses a week are fine, I feel a bit weird about it, like I can't be bothered to make the sacrifice for some vino in order to have a healthy kid.  So while the boy tipples, I drink Appletizer (this fantatic carbonated apple juice drink that I am absolutely addicted to.  It also helps the nausea.  Win-win, really.)   Things also don't taste right to me lately, I find that I don't actually want any alcohol.  Who knew my own 12-step program would include needles and progesterone suppositories?

Last Friday I had the Book Club girls over.  They're a fantastic group of chicks that I love a lot, but there was no way I was coming out of the pregnancy closet to them.  It's way too early for that. Aidan and I aren't telling anyone until the first trimester is over, although we've been discussing it and may tell my dad about the pregnancy after the scan next week.  As my therapist put it, if it either works out or it doesn't, I'll be needing the support of my family.

Anyway, two of the chicks in the club are Infertile Bitches-one woman even did several rounds of IVF, but unfortunately they didn't work, and now  both of them have decided to stop trying.  The woman who did IVF gets a bit aggressive with me about my own cycles-she wants to know the details, and even when I don't want to tell them, she gets pushy.  Once we met up and I only had one glass of wine because I had to drive, and she really fucked me off by constantly pointingly saying I must be pregnant.  At the time, I most definitely was not pregnant, and I wanted to smack her for continuously saying otherwise.  Salt?  Meet open wound.    

So no.  No way was I telling them that I was a Double Pink Line Mary.

But the Book Club, well...we drink.

Alot.

It's history, it's like a girl's night out.  We eat dinner, we drink a lot, we talk about the book, and then we talk about sex.  It's what we do.

So Aidan and I bought a bottle of this stuff called Ame, which is a non-alcoholic grape and apple drink.  It looks a lot like white wine, so I figured I'd be able to fly under the radar while the others drank their wine.  Aidan made us all dinner, their glasses would refill from a bottle on the table, and my glass would conveniently get filled while going to the fridge to fetch something for dinner.  They got loaded, I stayed stone cold sober, and everyone was a winner.

Last night I met my team in our usual bar in London.  You might be wondering what a pregnant chick is doing in a bar (there's a joke in there somewhere), but this is a smokeless bar, for one, and for another it's just what my team do.  We always meet in this bar and catch up. 

And again, I can't come out to them yet. 

So I met them up at the bar two hours after they'd already been there.  I told them I had to drive later, and so could only have one glass of wine, and I found a way to be sneaky-since they'd been drinking already they were, shall we say, a little unobservant.  So when my glass was filled I would slowly and silently move it to my left, taking the half-full glass of the guy on my right.  The guy on my left would think my glass of wine was really his, and he'd drink it.  His glass would get usurped by the guy next to him, and so on.  I'd have a half-full glass of wine next to me, and if and when people would fill it up, I'd simply quietly slide the glass to whomever next to me had an emptier glass, and the person next to me would simply assume that glass was his. 

Presto, it looked like I was drinking, when really I nursed sparkling water all evening.

I'm so much cooler than David Copperfield it's unbelievable.

They fed me a massive plate of nachos, which is good because I started to feel sick.  I couldn't believe it, but I ate the whole thing-I was starving, and the food settled my stomach.  I'm such a grazing cow these days it's unreal. 

A little while later I started to feel sick.

Really sick.

I knew what was coming.

I went to the girls' room and started heaving in the privacy of a stall. 

Now, here's the thing-pretty much nothing about me is delicate.  I'm a tall chick who, while you probably wouldn't describe me as fat, you'd certainly not say I was short of a meal.  When I sneeze it's so fucking loud you'd think Dumbo just let one off.  When I cough you'd swear Mr. Ed was in the room.  And when I vomit, I can be heard retching all the way to Switzerland.  I simply cannot be quiet about it, the noise I make while vomiting is enough to promote a Quentin Tarantino special about me. 

So there I was, heaving.  When I finally finished, I wiped my face and mouth (puking makes tears pour out of my eyes, too, so I look SO HOT) and came out of the toilet...and met the very attractive and thin proprietress of the bar, the one who had been bringing bottles of wine to the table, the one who fed me nachos only 30 minutes earlier.  I realized she'd heard every sound, and she had her arms folded and was staring at me with very frank disapproval. 

I realized I was facing getting chucked out of the bar, and that would be hard to explain to my team.

I couldn't tell her I was pregnant, because I don't tell ANYONE I'm pregnant, and anyway despite the fact that I hadn't imbibed anything but water, what's a pregnant chick doing in a bar (insert joke as appropriate)?  I didn't want her to think I was completely wasted as I certainly wasn't, and if I was she'd chuck me out as I'd had too much to drink and was a liability.  Either way I was looking at my team finding out about the vomiting, and my team are all men and all fathers, so they'd put two and two together immediately.  I thought fast.

And in that split second my brain offered me the most incredibly politically incorrect option available.

"I'm bulimic," I said, patting the corners of my mouth with toilet paper.

Oh my fucking God, I can't believe I just said that.

"Oh," she said, nodding.  "I understand."  She patted me on the arm and left.

I didn't get kicked out of the bar.

I am, however, going to burn in hell.

I'm 6weeks 3 days today, and that's also a new record.

Comments

[ilyka]

If I were a quick thinker (which sadly I am not)?--I'd have done the same thing. I mean what else could you do?

Keep hanging in there. Oh, and this post had me wanting wine (at least until you reached the part about the upchucked nachos) so bad.

[Bea]

The bulimic Copperfield. This is priceless.

Bea

[Z. Hendirez]

Now _that_ is a punchline.

[Patience]

Vanessa- I trooly rooly love you...!!! I want to explore all the wine bars of London with you (obviously at a more convenient time!)- and I want to experience your genius first-hand! x

[abs]

I am so pleased about the record!
I am so pleased for you!

abs x

[V5]

AWESOME!! I'm glad - and I'm sure CaltechGirl will be as well - that our suggestion is helping with the restless legs. I really know how much of a pain that symptom is, so I feel for you.

The "Copperfield" line was priceless and the "bulimic" line made me snort coffee out my nose and all over my keyboard and screen. Thanks ;-) Just what I needed to start my morning. LOL

As always, best wishes and prayers,

V5

[infertilegirl]

LMMFAO, I cannot believe you told her you were bulemic. You win the prize, you are the first person to make me laugh in two days!!!! Love it and it sounds like this one is sticking around for now. So excited about the milestone, and good luck with your u/s.

[Beth]

OMG! That was freaking hilarious! Thank you for the laugh and continued best wishes for you!

[judi]

That had me laughing more than ass bullets. I love the sly non-alcohol consumption. Only been pregnant one time. The term morning sickness is so misleading. All day nauseousness it what it should be called. And puking so doesn't take the edge off.

[Justme]

OMG I think I just peed my pants!

[amy t.]

At least she didn't sharpen her nail and say "A true friend's work is never done."

[donna]

That's funny in a horrible horrible way. You are so sly with the avoidance of alcohol, especially at the bar.

Oh and my nipples were permanently at attention the duration of my pregnancy. Well, they still are but that's because I am nursing. I'm sure they'd lay back down if it weren't for that. Vicky's Secret makes a great bra called the ipex that hides pokey nipples without being too padded.

[Sara]

Congrats on the record!!

[Just Me]

Ooh. Of all the things to comment on, I find the poky nipples a very good sign.

Aheh.

Still solidly in your corner. Love you muchly

[Kath]

Dear Vanessa, what a great post. And you have great survival instincts -- well done you!

"I'm bulimic" has got to be the best save ever.

[Lut C.]

We drink small amounts of alcohol regularly too, only now I'm sticking to water, tea, juice, ...
The first trimester is a delicate time, I don't want to think 'what if' later on.

I've already told lots of people, but then I told lots of people when abouts we were cycling. I reckon if this goes south, I'm going to need all the support I can get.

Your bar story is hilarious. If they all have a cold in two days, you know how come.

[Ice Queen]

So happy about the record. Continuing to root for your little passenger(s).
Any feelings about whether it's twins or not? The elders always say a mother knows.

[caltechgirl]

That was priceless. PRICELESS. LMAO over here!

Glad the RLS is better.

[Sarah]

Hysterical! But slightly traumatic!

[infertilepediatrician]

OMG - that is fucking hilarious. I was so impressed by the first bit of alcohol fooling behavior with the book club girls. Then there was the "take a pretend sip and pass it around" behavior at the bar that was most remarkable. But I nearly puked from laughing when I read the bulemic part. I know that normal people don't puke when they laugh (pee yes, but not puke). However I am 8dpIUI and somehow my brain has convinced my body that I'm nauseous and so laughing made me almost puke. But enough about me - that was fucking brilliant.

[jas]

Best.Line.Ever.

LOL

PS. See you in hell, save me a seat? ;)

[marie-baguette]

I was nearly screaming : "no, stop, don't eat the nachos!!!" when I read your post. The nausea is awful: you get ravenous, you eat, and then you puke. I am so glad it is over now that I am past the first trimester. I hope you will get better soon. Hubby and I loved your stories!

[ZTZCheese]

Wow. Hilarious! I applaud your sleight of hand skills. How sad is it, though, that the proprietress "understands" the need to be bulemic...

[Motel Manager]

That story is incredible! I am also deeply impressed by your clever wine trick.

Also, the nipples stay sticking out. I'm not sure what's up with that.

[becky(priss)]

Hahaha! what a great story.