Day Two of Psycho Knicker Watch

The spotting last night stayed maintained in the hooch unless I went to the toilet, which seeing as I'm not only blessed with a kidney-sized bladder outside of pregnant, I'm pregnant, and I'm freaked out, it was often (someone advised not to make myself sore, and I'm happy to report I've just about succeededin that one.)  Not to give TMI (because that never happens on this site, no) it only showed up when I wipe, but this morning since waking up, walking the dog, and eating a bowl of Frosted Flakes, there is more brown and it's now making its way to the pad I've stuck on for monitoring.

I also had some  bad cramping coming right about from my right ovary last night.  Both the twins are well and truly in the middle of my uterus, all I could think was maybe this was that sparkly new cyst I have riding sidesaddle on my right ovary.  Seeing as I've never had a cyst in my life, if anyone who HAS had one knows, can they sometimes cause cramping? 

Two people did mention sex, and, well, Aidan and I did indeed knock boots Thursday lunchtime.  But it was just a quickie, so I'll be seriously annoyed if my cervix has taken exception to that and will give me a weekend of freaking out because of it.  If my cervix is going to be upset about bleeding, it better be upset about one of those longer sessions, the ones that make you feel like you're in college again, because everyone knows quickies don't count. 

(I'm totally lying-if the bleeding is coming from there I will be fucking delighted because then it's not a Bad Thing and would kiss my cervix, but that's not only impossible, it's icky, too.)

It's true - the A&Es here really don't have u/s, especially the internal kind.  As a kind commenter put it (and my previous ER doc put it) if you're going to miscarry, there's nothing they can do.  My IVF clinic is closed on weekends, and Monday for them is a major retrieval day so I'm sure I won't be able to go in.  I will go to my A&E if bright red blood starts coming, if only so that they can pat me on the hand and tell me I have to wait until Tuesday, but at least I will feel like I am doing something.

As far as other things going on:

- Major, killer migraine.  I've taken a few paracetamol/Tylenol but am not anxious to over-do it, especially when I've got some bleeding. 

- Threw up yesterday.  I've learnt Egg McMuffins and I aren't going to be friends through this pregnancy, and although in non-pregnant life I honestly try to be a healthy chick, I love McMuffins and I am not nor will I ever be ashamed of our relationship.

- I woke this morning and my breasts weren't hurting.  At all.  And the nipples were back to pre-IVF size (aka flat, bored, and wondering what was for breakfast.)  I felt the worst-that happened last time, too, although that happened after the huge red tidal wave between my legs had started.  But then I did stretch out for Dr. Google and found this , which states thus: The good news, especially for those of us who have always secretly longed to be big, busty gals, is that they will continue to grow, and they will eventually stop hurting. In a month or so, you and your guy will have a nice new set of playthings. 

Maybe that point has come for me when they stop hurting, I dunno.  Maybe that chick is right.  Maybe that chick hasn't a fucking clue what she's talking about.  All I know is they stopped hurting at a pretty inconvenient point in time (but I'll be groping myself all afternoon to see if they start hurting again.)

So I don't know what's going on. 

All I know is the bleeding has nearly stopped (hopefully for good.)

The headache is killing me.

The boy comes home late tonight.

I'm so confused and worried, and won't know how things are until Tuesday.

But I found a picture that made me and my many fearing voices be quiet in my head for a minute when I saw it.  I keep clicking on the links to view and try to re-assure myself that that's what's going on inside of me.  I try to tell myself to shut the hell up and just believe, for a change, that this something good can stay.  It doesn't always have to be the sad, soul-wrenching choice in my life.  I found a link of exactly what the twins looked like at their first scan, nearly two weeks ago.  And I found a link to what they will hopefully look like on Tuesday (give or take a few days), because even though I am terrified they've jumped ship, maybe they believe in me enough to prove me wrong.

(Be advised that they're real pictures, in case pictures of embryos upset you or you're going through a difficult time.)

PS-thanks for being here for me, honestly.  I'm sorry if this all feels like a bad soap opera pilot, I just really can't miscarry again.  Your comments are very kind and soothing.

Comments

[Hilary]

When I saw any spotting I was terrified and nauseated...it was the closest I came to throwing up when I was pregnant (sorry to all who've suffered)...I know how you feel about that. The cramping could be both the cyst and the uterus stretching; cysts can be quite painful, off and on. The headache is pregnancy, your body is on hormonal overload and "it's gone to your head" .... which is no comfort, and it probably also isn't any comfort to say not much can be done. I tried sinus sprays and the like, no avail. Coffee helped a little bit. I had to lecture through those suckers and wanted to tear my face off most of the time. As for the breasts, mine went from their regular look to that of a 20-year old in a week or so, they hurt, they stopped hurting and they stayed in their 20-year old position, which was lovely considering I was close to 40 at the time. I believe that everything is fine, really. And you can believe that too. No fears.

[Becks]

Positive thoughts...positive thoughts....positive thoughts...you can do it girl. We are all doing it for you too.

[Patience]

Glad you've checked in - there's so many things I could say to you right now but I've had too much champagne, but I knew I had to check on you before I go to bed.

Glad that your sense of humour is sticking around though, despite the fact that you are mega stressed out it's good to see you've got perspective... *smooch* x

[Kath]

Dear Vanessa, I'm so sorry about this distress -- I so wish you could have been spared that. I am sending you good thoughts and lots of hope and fast-forward thoughts, so you can have reassurance soon.

[teamwinks]

That's what we're here for, and I hope one day you will be the voice of reason in my own journey to motherhood! :-)

[anon]

I am also sorry about the fear.
For what it's worth, I had terrible and meaningless (in other words miscarriage-less) cramping in my pregnancy.
And I don't know if this will help of hurt, but I think the dates of the embryo site you have been watching are counted from fertilization, not from last menstrual period. (I.E., your 9 weeks = their 7 weeks.)

[V5]

Hang in their kiddo, it's going to be OK!!

Hope my last email was at least vaguely amusing. ;-)

Lots of prayers, and of course fingers and toes crossed for you and the twins.

V5

[Ali]

Again, thinking of you. And damn it, I wish you could get a scan earlier.

[marie-baguettte]

This all very normal, even though it is scary as Hell for you. I had really horrible cramps in the first months of my pregnancy (plus I was originally pregnant with quads, so you can imagine all the activity going on in there). I am now 4 months pregnant and I continue to scare myself senseless every time I experience a new pain. But these are all normal: cramps, pains on both sides of the abdomen, stabbing pains, etc. The problem is that the pains of pregnancy are never discussed, so when you experience them, you panic. Be assured that the bleeding is OK too (something insane like 30% of women experience it). Oh and the migraines! And the on and off nausea! And the on and off painful breasts! That's what is scary too with all those symptoms: they come and go for no reason at all. You are going to be fine. Take care of yourself, do whatever makes you feel better, rest ... and let us know how you next visit went. Thinking of you

[Cheryl]

Thank you for updating, I have been worried sick! I am glad things are improving. You are fine, you are fine, keep telling yourself that. Take care of you!!

[Tinker]

What very cool videos! The dating on them is exactly what my ultrasounds were/will be too. Have you checked The Visible Embryo? We're about Carnegie Stage 19 now(http://visembryo.com/baby/19.html).

I'm sorry that there's really no option of a quick check on the kids for you until Tuesday. I spend the entire day wrestling with whether I should call my RE for a quickie (u/s of course), as the clinic is open all weekend.

Your ongoing symptoms are a good sign, even if your breasts are less sore (ditto here). While your kids don't like the McMuffins, mine have a distinct aversion to French toast. Bummer for both of us!

[sophie]

I'm sorry you can't get the ultimate reassurance you need until Tuesday. I'm sending many good thoughts your way. Hang in there!

[Sarnie]

I hope that you can take some reassurance from your commenters, probably not, because as wonderful and caring as they are, you will not relax until you know for sure and see for yourself that all is OK. After misscarriages, I had bleeding at 7 weeks with this pregnancy, only when wiping, but i too convinced myself that i was loosing this baby. Turned out that it was 'implantation bleeding', I had never heard of it before!? But apparently very common. It was the baby burrowing into the womb, getting comfy. It must have been luxury accomadation as far as the baby was concerned as am now 17 weeks, but will never forget the terror and worry I had at the time and no matter how much reassurance I was given, I was not happy until I saw for myself. Please, please, please put your feet up and don't do a thing to give your babies the best chance possible. Thinking positive thoughts for you.

[Jen(aside)]

With both of my children, some time around (just before or after) the three month mark, a lot of my symptoms started to disappear. They didn't reappear again until the third trimester.

I also (not an IVFer or cyst-laden chick, so probably just a normal pregnancy thing) had spotting that terrified me at different times -- most of the time after sex!! I still spot NOW after sex and my daughter is eight months old!

I know that you are going to worry no matter what... but take comfort in the fact that a) spotting happens - really! and b) symptoms come and go with the variance in hormones.

<3 Viel Glück!

[canape]

Having no words of wisdom should keep me from commenting, but I just can't help it.

Glad to hear from you today. Glad Aiden is coming home tonight. Glad the spotting is still brown.

[kbexs]

i will be 8 weeks preg w. twins via ivf on monday. at 6 weeks, we saw both their heartbeats. at 6.5 weeks i had heavy-ish red bleeding that was really scary and was told by my dr to lie down and stay off my feet. i went in for an u/s and both babies were still there and still had heartbeats. the dr found a subchorionic bleed which is common w. twins and ivf. it usually heals itself. i went back for another u/s at 7 weeks and everything was still fine and the bleed was getting smaller. so stay off your feet and try to relax. i am still spotting brown a week and a half after the bleed, the dr says the old blood from the bleed has to come out somehow and that is what that is.

[thalia]

Vanessa I'm hoping for all I'm worth that this is just one of those awful things that happens in early pregnancy and is utterly freaky but means nothing, and that when you get a scan on tuesday (which you should demand - and for goodness sake call them on monday and see if they can fit you in) nothing will be amiss, and both of those babes will still be happily developing away. Nothing you have said so far indicates that that is unlikely, no matter how it feels right now.

[Sara]

It sounds like you're doing a bit better - I still have lots of faith that everything is fine. Sending you good thoughts-

[Amanda]

Hope everything is going ok, make sure you look after yourself, put your feet up, play some Sims :)

[Lut C.]

Ugh! Why can't this be easy?
Hang in there.

[caltechgirl]

I'm glad things aren't progressing towards the bad and that you are hanging in there. Keep your chin (and your feet) up!

lots of love and hugs being flung in your general direction!

[becky]

sending hugs & love (and email).

[ZTZCheese]

Thinking of you and sending you all the good luck I can!

[Jen(aside)]

I hope no news is good news.

[Lisa in NJ]

I hope all is well, sending good vibes and prayers your way