I've Got to Keep on Movin'

Aidan is off to Stockholm today for his kids' parent-teacher conferences.  I'm not going because:

1) I'm not a parent, I just play one on TV.
2) His ex-wife and I hate each other like Lindsay Lohan and, oh, everyone else in Hollywood.
3) Aidan needs some alone time with them from time to time (we both think, anyway)
4) He may or may not be breaking the news to them about the pregnancy, and we both agree it's something he should do alone.

He wants to wait to tell them until after the first trimester - he's a very, very cautious guy and very superstitious when it comes to pregnancy.  I second it, actually, and with the exception of my father and his kids, I also support not telling a single person (so far in our real life, the only person that knows I'm pregnant - with twins! - is my therapist.  Please - as though I could NOT talk about this pregnancy in therapy.)  We both worry about jinxing it, but the problem is we're going away with them in a few weeks and I'll probably be showing by then.  It'd be an unhappy start to the holiday - "Hey, kids!  Isn't this exciting?  We're off to Jamaica!  Oh-and Vanessa's pregnant!  With twins!  Pass the jerk chicken!"

I ordered two necklaces for his kids for him to give to them when he breaks the news.  It maybe sounds dumb, but I think it's important to have something physical, so he can tell them that they are the greatest priority in his life, he will never stop loving them even a little bit, and if they start to feel doubtful they have physical proof they can look at if they can't get to him on the phone for reassurance.  But the fucking things haven't arrived, his flight is this afternoon, and so he'll have to present them later. 

In the meantime expect much blogging from me, because I'm feeling pretty nervous.  Tuesday I woke up and my boobs hurt less, so I started to get worried that things were unsticking - it was made worse by the fact that I didn't need a nap on Tuesday, and I always need a nap.  The full-day nausea has mostly disappeared, and now it only comes and goes in little waves especially if I just keep grazing, which seems to keep it at bay. 

But yesterday I started having cramps (after a morning of light aqua aerobics and some grocery shopping) and so I parked my ass on the couch to rest and wound up napping for over 3 hours.  Maybe I was simply overdoing it yesterday.  I still have some cramps today and I'm on constant panty check - the cramps aren't bad period pain-like cramps, they're just plain old period pain-like cramps (and I'm the kind of chick that usually suffers from period cramps that feel like I've gone a few rounds with Mike Tyson, so by comparison this is a walk in the park), and the knickers continue to reveal crotch snot of epic proportions (no wait!  Come back!  Don't let that gross you out!)  I'm absolutely terrified that I'm going to start bleeding while he's away, I'll have to take myself to A&E and they won't be able to scan me and by Monday it'll be all over.  I'm trying to be positive and not think that way, I tell myself I'm simply being paranoid and replaying the past in my head of when I did miscarry.

DUMBASS! my inner voice screams (my inner voice is ever so polite) Just because you had one bad event doesn't mean it'll always end that way!

I'm trying to dial it down.

It's true I was told that based on the health, size and location of the twins I'm up to a 98% chance of this pregnancy continuing.  I also  barely ventured out to Dr. Google (because every other site with him contains the "M" word) and it says cramping is normal in your 8th week, as the uterus is stretching.  Still, it's freaking me out.

So expect me to be around.

PS-weirdly, my statistics showed an "Image Crisis Control" company hitting up my website.  I looked them up and apparently they help people retain a positive image in the face of scandal.  I don't know why they'd be coming here, but they've been here a few times.  I just want to say this to them - you're too late.   I already came out and told everyone I shot a suppository out of my ass.  If you're trying to save my image, well, that ship has sailed.

Comments

[V5]

The "I shot a suppository out my ass" story was classic. It hooked me on coming everyday!! I don't know if I'm the only male reader/commentor but I love reading your blog. You're a FANTASTIC writer. It's funny, sad, happy, emotional and just an all around honest-great read.

I'm definitely saying prayers and keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you... ALL of you!

Please keep the faith and try to keep yourself up-beat. I know it's hard when you're scared. Hopefuly that will wear off as you finally begin to realize that the twins have taken hold for good and are here to stay.

In the meantime drink fluids, graze as needed, and rest a lot. If anyone give you problems I'll run their toes over with my power-wheelchair. HEH!! *GRIN*

My very, very best regards,

V5

[judi]

I know it is hard to relax, but I hope you can. After many years of trying, with my pregnancy, I only relaxed when I felt him kick (which is a few weeks away for you, I know). And heaven forbid if I didn't feel it every day. Have you been able to buy any pregnancy books yet?

[StellaNova]

I know how you feel. The paranoia is never far from the surface. Any little change is enough to send you into hours of obsessive googling and conviction that things are heading in the wrong direction (well, that's me anyway!). I hope you enjoy your time alone - do something nice for you - and try not to be too anxious (I know, easier said than done).

[Rebecca]

When I was pregnant (for a few brief weeks) I felt myself up ALL THE TIME to see if my boobs still hurt. It got to a point where I couldn't tell if they were hurting from the hormones or from my self-imposed mamograms.

Thanks for referencing the suppository shooting, it always makes me laugh!

If I still prayed, you would totally be in my prayers.

[canape]

98% is really really good.

Good luck with the alone time. You won't find any complaints here if you use that time writing.

[isabel]

I had cramps up until the second trimester, and I was terrified. For months, I was terrified.

I hope you can find some peace somewhere, because it isn't easy.

[marie-baguette]

all of us are freaking out because of all sorts of new pains, but cramps are good: the uterus is expanding for the baby. During the first weeks, anytime I spent a little time standing up, they would overcome me. They did get better, but now I have stabbing pains, and even though they are normal, they are even more disturbing. And yesterday, I had pains on the sides of my belly and my back and I kept thinking there might be something wrong with my insides. I left work in tears, and the pain disappeared... I don't even talk about my fears anymore on my blog, b/c my Hubby reads it and I don't want him to worry with me. You are going to be OK ! Take good care of yourself. Oh, I forgot: the nausea will go and come back for a while, so don't get too confident. Don't overindulge, keep grazing.

[Mina Wolf]

Well, I'm not going to tell you not to worry because I know that's impossible. Just try not to let the fear debiltate you completely.

So curious about something. Are you guys planning to tell the kids it was through IVF now or later at all? And after the kids, when you share it with the family (mainly his)?

[donna]

For me at least, the symptoms were on a "come and go" basis. Some days I was so tired I needed to cry and other days it wasn't so bad. And the nausea for me changed from morning, to afternoon, to all day, and then started going away. And my boobs always hurt worse in the night. They'd be ok during the day, but if I'd roll over on them at night, it would wake me up.

Enjoy your own alone time!

[Erica]

Hi I just found your blog a couple days ago. I just wanted to tell you that I had the cramps for a long time. Once I even ran to thr Dr because I was sure something was wrong. Everytime I sneezed or coughed it hurt really bad. The pregnancy symptons come and go and it is normal.Take care of yourself.

[Margi]

The "shot a suppository out of my ass" story is one I will always turn to when I need a laugh. Girl, you wrote that so well, I was laughing with tears streaming down my face by the time I was done. Talk about turning a sow's ear into a silk purse!

Anyway. . .I know that the worry quotient is always high, but based on my limited knowledge, all your symptoms are normal. I remember freaking out because of the pain around this time and was told that my round ligaments were stretching. I chalked it up to "Creaky Old Uterus" syndrome...but the worry is always there. You're doing great, honey, both at unscrewing yourself from the ceiling, and, well, I can't wait for the "humiliating" OB visit posts! :)

Lots of love,

[SusanG]

I have had the not-really-cramps feeling on and off too. They've mostly gone away for now. They never felt like full blown cramps, but actually like a real stretching feeling. Maybe like I'd been doing some sit-ups, but not quite that either. But it is a freaky feeling, because you just can't help imagining the worst.

[thalia]

Hoping that everything is ok, and agreeing with everyone that the pains and stretching feeling are really normal, try not to worry too much (HAHAHAHAH!)

your necklace idea is lovely, i'm sorry it didn't come to fruition. For what it's worth, i think telling aidan's kids early is a good idea - will make them feel special to know before anyone else does.

[Sara]

You certainly have a lot going on over there - I really like the idea of giving Aidan's kids a symbol of his devotion to them. I also echo the sentiments of other commenters about telling the kids early: that it may help them feel part of the decision.

It sounds like you and Aidan are doing a good job with eachother through all of this stuff -maintaining honesty, being compassionate with one another, and taking the time to include the other people that have a stake in your family expansion.

Keep taking care of yourself and one another-

[Lut C.]

That's one advantage of not having any symptoms I suppose, they can't disappear on me.

I understand you feel the need to keep this private for a while, well except for the entire internet. :-)

The ex and stepkids, tricky situation.

[Rachel]

Hi there - just found your blog on a little pregnant and love it so much - had a m/c a month ago after IVF and found your last August posts to be like you are inside of my head. And to come here and see you are pregnant, well, that is just great. Thank you for sharing your story and your honesty - I love it!

[Rachel]

Hi there - just found your blog on a little pregnant and love it so much - had a m/c a month ago after IVF and found your last August posts to be like you are inside of my head. And to come here and see you are pregnant, well, that is just great. Thank you for sharing your story and your honesty - I love it!

[Bea]

The best laid plans, hey?

It does sound like everything's going well. Hopefully you'll start to feel that more and more. Or be distracted by Jamaica, at least.

Bea

[Jen(aside)]

www.babycenter.com has some good info.