Otherwise Known as Getting Coat-Hangered on the School Playground

As a couple, we're still struggling off and on here.  We had a long period of non-arguments which was popped last night by another argument, which results in the usual-going to bed angry (fuck YOU, Tom Cruise), me feeling forlorn and meek and cooking and cleaning (Bree and I have a lot in common in that respect), him looking mellow and angry, and both of us wondering what we can do to get to the next level, whatever the hell that level is.  So really, it's all good here.  It's harder still when I get some spiky emails and the one or two blog posts I've seen judging my situation also really make me want to put it all out here.

To be clear, I blog because I need to get things out.  I never said it was beautiful.  I never promised that this site would resemble a toilet bowl of Rainbow Brite poop.  Regarding my life, I post the wonderful and I post the awful.  I promised myself a long time ago that I would be honest in my writing, and if one person finds this blog who is also pregnant with twins and has a partner for whom that is the single worst outcome in the whole world ever and I can grant her any help, then I will feel some kind of peace.

Enough about that.  From now on, should I have any issues at home I'll probably stick to emailing them to the few people who I have spoken to about what's happening.  You know who you are and I thank you from the bottom of my cold dead heart.

So let's move on.  It's not helping me any feeling like I have to avoid my own website like the plague.  I'm nervous and scared and trying to read everything to find out what's happening with my body and what's going to happen to it as we continue.  I battle with fear every day-I fear having twins.  I fear losing twins.  I fear losing one of them.  I fear I fear I fear.  I'm told this is a common complaint in any pregnancy, infertile or otherwise.  At some point, maybe the fear dissipates and I start to try to just ride the long wave out, but for now I sit around nervously thinking the other shoe could drop at any minute, and Jesus I paid a lot for those shoes.

The visit with the midwife still startles me and it was a week ago now.  In England, you usually meet the midwife from weeks 10-12, and you sit down and begin to prepare what they call a birth plan.  If you're in the IVF boat and you know you're knocked up, then you get a Get Out of Jail Free card to go see the midwife even earlier. 

She sits us down and pulls out a plastic packet the size of the Encyclopedia Britannica (not all the volumes, just the volumes "Aardvark" to "Lepidoptera").  She hands it to me, along with a plastic vial that will get to come packed with my urine every doctor visit from here on.  We start the paperwork, and on every page in huge headers she writes "IVF-TWINS!!!" which gets underlined a thousand times, in case there's any ambiguity about my condition and how I got there. 

The midwife leans in to me.  "I'm afraid with twins you have to give birth in a hospital, you can't have a home birth."

This nearly sends us into hysterical laughter.  The idea of a home birth never even crossed our minds.  I could see it now-boiling water and the cats hiding from all my screaming.  I'd be trying to watch reruns of CSI while Aidan tries to keep the dog from running off with one of the placentas.  Once we calm down, Aidan explains to the confued midwife, "We never even debated a home birth.  We don't have enough plastic sheeting for something like that."

She continues to look confused, but nods anyway. I liked his answer and mentally give him points for being quick.

"I'm afraid that a water birth is also out," she says kindly.

"Oh, honey, a water birth was never in," I reply.   My reproductive organs are not Disneyworld, a turbo jet waterslide that ends in a fabulous crystal blue pool is not an option.  I have zero interest in hiking up into a kiddie pool and dropping the Juniors into it.  I understand that others swear by it and more power to them-in my mind, no land-based mammals that I know of decide to give birth in water, so why would I?  I've always been clear in my mind when it came to my birth choices-I want a hospital birth where they have lots of shiny machines in case something goes horribly wrong, and I want drugs.  Lots of them. I  don't even want to be able to feel the wind on my calves, I want numbness.  I'll need that to recover from the horror that while birthing I will also be following the time honored tradition of taking a dump in front of about 6 people (although apparently with twins comes the C-section chances, which range anywhere from 60-90% depending on where you read the issues.) 

I have to choose a hospital.  This is a no-brainer, my IVF consultant is associated with one of the local hospitals and I was already told by the fertility clinic that he insists on delivering his IVF twins.  He's very clever, maybe a bit brusque for our tastes, but I knew we'd choose that hospital anyway, as it was where I miscarried 6 months ago and they were so incredibly kind there, so caring and supportive, that there really was no contest.

"Do you have a consultant in mind?" the midwife asks.  "I can recommend a few."

It feels so weird to be doing this.  At that point I was 7 weeks pregnant, and already I was planning 30 weeks down the line on who would be sitting ringside at the Babies vs. Vanessa title match. 

"I'd like Mr. X," I replied, naming my doctor (how it works here-you go to medical school and get certified to be a doctor.  You get called "Doctor", until at some point in your career when you have enough accolades or have administed over 100,000 stitches or have enough Frequent Appendectomy Miles or something, you lose the title "Doctor" and go to being called "Mr, Miss, or Mrs.").

"Oh yes, he's very good.  I believe he's an IVF doctor," she replies.

"Yes he was my IVF consultant.  I figure he put them in there, he should be there to take them out," I agree.

So I'm registered.  We're going on holiday with Aidan's kids for Easter, and when I come back it'll be straight into the nuchal translucency, which I learnt is actually an ultrasound measurement that the ultrasound technician does on the thickenss of the neck of the fetuses.  This thickness - done in millimeters - then tells them the probability of our babies having Down's Syndrome, which then tells us if we need to have further testing, if we should sigh with relief, or if we should go ahead and start drinking now. 

I have another ultrasound a week from now, at which point the twins should be almost 9 weeks. 

I'm looking forward to that ultrasound, but I can't really explain why. 

Maybe you know better than I do.

In terms of symptoms, I struggle.  The nausea is better actually, but the exhaustion is incredible.  I don't just want to nap, I need to nap.  Yesterday morning I got up, had breakfast, showered, got dressed, and then took a nap.  I nap on trains, I nap on the couch, I nap at any and every possible moment, I can even fall asleep standing up.   

I have other things going on as well-the skin on my hands and feet are so dry that no matter how many times a day I apply really thick, intensive lotion, they just don't get any better.  I graze all day (mostly healthy foods), but I can't eat as much as I used to-a cereal-sized bowl of pasta that I used to be able to finish now goes unfinished, I just can't fit it all in.  My legs cramp constantly and I battle headaches.  My waistline is beginning to change-I'm down to wearing my most loose-fitting jeans.  Aidan says there's no pouffy stomach there, but I disagree - I think something's happening there.

Also, I cannot stop eating Frosted Flakes (Frosties).  They are the most delicious food in the whole wide world ever.  I love them.  I want to marry them.

So there you have it.

As for me, personally, I still feel very overwhelmed by everything.  I think I would have felt that way regardless of if I was carrying one or two, but two definitely has more of a shocking impact.  I am pretty stressed out by it, and trying to plan and prepare myself for everthing as much as I can, which is ridiculous because nothing can prepare you for bringing home a baby, let alone two of them.  I can't believe my treatment finally worked, when we were close to giving up.  I can't believe I'm having two.  I worry all the time.  I bounce between happiness, fear, sadness, and hope a lot.  I feel like I can't be happy-my partner is so miserable.  I can't be sad-no one understands why I should be.  I can't be worried-it comes across as paranoid.  I can't be hopeful-so many things can go wrong, I do not want to jinx things.  I can't be funny-the situation is serious, I need to treat it as such.  I have all of these emotions, none of which I feel I'm entitled to.

It's an exhausting journey, and I'm only a fifth of the way into it.

I'll be 8 weeks pregnant tomorrow (if they have, indeed, continued to grow, which I think and hope they have). 

Despite what you may read into my writing today, I am grateful for that.

Honestly.

PS-comments are back open now.  I'll keep them that way but will be keeping an eye on them.  If you feel the need to blast Aidan in any way, shape, or form, then I will delete your comment and I will ban you and I will laugh like Margaret Hamilton while doing so.  In other words, you may disagree with him or with me, but I'm kindly requesting you venture out here with kindness and support.  The anonymous blog world seems to strip people of that quality, I've gotten comments from people that are things I would NEVER say to a friend or a stranger, and I'm hoping that the seedy element of unkindness was a knee-jerk reaction only.  I'm sorry if I come across as a harsh censorship monitor, but I really need you to understand-it's a difficult and confusing time for us.

Comments

[Nicki]

I'm sorry you've had bad comments. I can't imagine what sort of person would do that.

I've just started reading your blog but already love it. :)

Best wishes to you and Aiden and the babies!

[Megan]

Please don't let a few people's rude comments stop you from being honest. I appreciate your willingness to share your opinions, thoughts, feelings, etc. And you're a terrific writer- I actually laugh out loud while reading your blog!
I have 2 beautiful children and would love more (twins would be an added blessing here). I only hope that Aiden will come to love those babies, despite the fact that they weren't what he wanted/expected. And, I hope you are able to be excited and happy about their births regardless of his feelings. And, yes, the anxiety about the pregnancy never goes away- and then after their born, you worry even more about them!! Somehow, it's all very worth it, this awesome experience of being a parent. Best of luck and keep writing!
Megan

[Suzie]

Helen, I'm so sorry you've been getting grief from people. I just want to wish you all the very best of luck with your babies. I hope everything turns out well.

Best wishes to you all.

[Kimberly]

Like Megan, I so appreciate your honesty. It's remarkable and it would be a shame if some assholes prevented you from continuing to be so open.

Also, yay! I'm so glad things are progressing well. Can't wait to hear your 9 wk update.

[canape]

I'm glad for the chance to comment, thanks. Aiden has every right to feel however he wants to feel without anyone else butting in. You have that right too, and you should have the right to blog about it without having to censor yourself.

I'll be one of those people waiting for your next u/s anxiously.

[Lady In Waiting]

I have to confess that I do not understand Aidan's feelings but it is not anyone's place to criticize them. Feelings are feelings and they have to be honored and worked through. But I hope that you remember that YOU are the one carrying the babies and that your feelings are also 100% valid as well. And you have the right to feel whatever it is you feel, whether or not they support or contradict your husband's feelings.

I wish all of you well and sincerely hope that Aidan is able to get to a point in which he accepts this situation - even if it does not fit into his wants and needs - and is able to be the partner that you need at this challenging time!

[Ice Queen]

I'm just thrilled for the entire family. I'm sure this adjustment period will be rough for a while for both of you, but it will get better, I promise. In the meantime, let me be the first on the list (in the blog realm) to request baby pictures when you reach the end of this leg of the journey and transition into the next phase of parenthood.

[wRitErsbLock]

still thinking nothing but happy thoughts for all of you.

Hugs

[carey]

Total bullshit, but totally typical for people to judge others... hang in there!!

I'm with you on the hospital birth... in fact, I've always told Steph to just knock me out around 7 months & wake my ass up after the baby is born and all cleaned up :) Labor terrifies me and grosses me out. I'm much more interested in the end result vs. the actually being pregnant part.

Glad you are back to blogging... it's not the same around here without you!! I have to keep my blog all sqeaky clean due to my family members reading it, so I appreciate you being able to be so open and honest... not to mention hilarious at times!! :)

[teamwinks]

I think that how you feel and deal with this is your choice. I hope you find what you need, get what you desire, and find comfort in each other.

Keep us all updated, oh, and for the record...I think Aiden is fabulous. The first post I read on your blog was when he posted after your miscarriage. His love for you was very evident.

Hugs,
Becky

[Shanna]

I truely hope that my comment wasn't one of the bad ones. I don't think I was mean, I can't remember. If it was taken that way, I apologize. I can understand the fear you are going through in every aspect of the pregnancy and just all of it. I am very happy that the treatment finally worked for you and I do hope that it all works out for you both.
I keep reading and hoping and praying for you that it works out. Wishing you all the best.

[Donna]

Yes, what Becky said! We all know he loves you, but the bottom line is that you have to take care of you, to take care of them. You'll see the further along you get that you will be in your own little pregnant world, and almost every thought will be about the babies, to the exclusion of everything else, it's such a cool place to be.

[becky(priss/lola)]

sweetie, your feelings are natural. we're scared of the unknown. you can be happy, sad, and scared all at once. i hear it's perfectly normal.

i'm sorry you've had mean comments and judgmental people emailing you. i've always enjoyed your honesty. lord knows i don't think i can put things out there to the world. but more power to you if you can. i think it's incredibly brave.

and i'm here if you need to email about some of this stuff. your get out of jail free card is waiting.

[Rebecca]

Even though I'm not in your exact situation, it's still helpful to read your blog and remember that this whole infertility journey is full of crazy unexpected turns. It's important for me to keep in mind that even when it does happens for me, I'm sure it won't be the way I expected it to.

Good luck with the next ultrasound!

[Sara]

Sorry to hear you've had some inconsiderate commenters. Your stories are support for people without any children at all, let alone people who have been surprised by twins. Thank you for writing; I hope you continue your honesty. Best to you, Aidan, the twins & his kids.

[Ms. Pants]

I zerbert your belleh. I tickle Aidan's feets. Just my attempt to lighten up the mood a bit. [boob grope]

You both have some time to figure out things here. I don't think this will be the end of the world for you two--you've come through so much other crap to be together. It's a huge change for both of you. It's going to take time....a whole lotta precious time....it's gonna take patience and time...... Sorry--channeling George there.

But listen up on this one: Feelings are feelings. They are not controllable and they are not a matter of entitlement. They are not actions. You are allowed to feel whatever you feel and I encourage both of you to just go with it. Fighting emotions just makes them come back later when they've gathered strength and and a keen sense of poor timing. Feel it. Go through it. It's okay. It will be okay. But you have to let it be okay, and part of that is actually feeling what you're feeling.

No more second guessing yourself. What would you tell your girlfriends? What would you tell your daughter[s]? Now tell yourself the same thing.

[martha]

Ms. Pants said exactly what I wanted to say but she said it WAY better(that paragraph about feelings being feelings and letting yourself be okay with it).

I'm glad to know that you and Aidan are finding each other and finding ways to talk about your hopes, fears and everything else... even if it does result in arguments at times- at least you're not both always sulking in seperate rooms.

Still sending lots of good thoughts your way.

[Teri]

Well, no wonder you are so tired--your body is not only adjusting to mommyhood, but double mommyhood. Good advise from me here, take as much help as you can get and rest constantly. You'll get some zip back in your second trimester, then lose it again in the tird, and thereafter.....

[Margi]

I second EVERYTHING Mrs. Pants said. Including the zerberting of the belleh. Heh.

Feelings are not something you're allowed to have or not have. They just are.

Wallow a little in every one. You're so very much entitled!

And don't let ANYONE tell you that you don't deserve whatever it is you want.

I'm here for you, gel. :)

[christina]

I had difficulity conceiving. I'm 15 weeks pregnant now. I read your blog faithfully, I pray for you daily. You are the only blog that I have added to my favorites...ever. So, keep it honest. We hang on every word.

[heather]

see V, your do have fab readers...love & hurdles gf, love & hurdles..

[thalia]

I'm glad you're back, too. I have to confess to being curious about aidan's extreme aversion - I have been guessing that because he has parented a singleton, he is thinking that twins will be double that, ie totally awful and exhausting but times two. having not had either I'm not at liberty to comment on (i) whether that is what he is thinking and (ii) if he's right or not, but I have read on some twin blogs that it isn't times two, more like times 1.3 or something. I think chris (barefoot and...) posted about this.

Anyway, I'm glad things are a little better, and proud of you both for how you are getting through this difficulty.

[statia]

The meester was dumbfounded in the beginning and to me, not really happy about the whole kid thing, which made it hard for me to feel good about it too.

It's a huge life change. One is a huge life change, and two, well, double that. Everything you and Aidan are feeling is normal. The unknown is a scary place, but I have hope. I know I've aired my grievances, but I still have hope for the both of you.

[caltechgirl]

Having been one of the inconsiderate bastards mentioned above, I can assure you it was a knee-jerk response to something I can not hope to comprehend. But you know I love you both (all four of you, in fact!) and I am glad you continue to sort out your feelings and work toward some kind of peace as you prepare for your double blessing.

And to all of you commenters: don't judge. Sometimes even good people aren't as able to NOT say what they feel, when they feel strongly about something.

[Becks]

I am new to this blogging game but your story was the first I came across, I have cried but also laughed till my sides hurt. It inspired me to start my own page so I could tell my story. I start my drugs 2 weeks today, its my first time so I have found your site invaluable to learn about the ups and downs of IVF. First of all I think your partner is fantastic . My partner has had 2 grown up children already, he's alot older than me and I am under no illusions that he would not be doing this if it wasnt for me. So without trying to pass too much comment on your situation (cos thats not our place) I think your man deserves all the praise he can get.