Titles Whip Me

OK, so here I am.

It's Monday.

Spotting extremely light now, and still brown, so hey-could be worse. 

I've had some very bad cramping over the weekend though.  I'm pretty sure there was a frat party in my right ovary, and the fuckers didn't even take the empty kegger home with them when they were done.  Then yesterday the left ovary started feeling all drama queen left out and so kicked up a fuss, so the two ovaries are totally grounded until, say, pre-pubescence, at which point I'll give them their Gameboys back. 

Yesterday the back pain also kicked in, only on the right side, and only in such a manner as to make me feel like an 80 year-old woman with a dozen cats.  I parked my ass on the couch for the day and puttered about off and on, when the back pain stopped hurting. 

Aidan and I discussed it, and we decided not to call the hospital and ask to move the appointment to today.  I know it sounds crazy, but we simply felt thus:  If it's positive news, it will stay positive.  If it's negative news, nothing we do a day early can change it one way or another.

I never expected to become a realist so early on in my life.

As to how I'm feeling, well...I am worried.  Not only worried that something's gone wrong, but worried that if nothing has, this is going to be the shape of the rest of my pregnancy.  I would prefer to not have a fraught, worrying pregnancy.  I would prefer to not feel like everything should be compared to when I miscarried.  I'd also prefer to win the lottery, but we can't have everything.

Symptom-wise the headaches are better thanks to the caffeine.  I've been allowing myself one cup of coffee (heavily watered down with milk) a day.  I'd stopped it, even though it was well below the maximum recommended caffeine allowance a day, but taking it back up has helped the headaches.  The nausea is back.  I'm sneezing a lot (the fuck?).  Still very tired. 

The boobs are still completely normal.

So I dunno.  Maybe the spotting is just sex related, cervix related, nothing related.  Maybe it's something.  We simply don't know and won't know until tomorrow morning. 

In the meantime, a few maintenance things:

1) I've created a new Flickr account which I'll fill with the photos of this cycle and my burgeoning waistline as scans as we hopefully move onwards.  It's a new account, because I don't really want to mix my other blog account with this one (there is that sacred law stating that one shouldn't mix friends, grape and grain, and blogs).  If you're already listed as a friend of my other blog account, rest assured you're not missing out, the same photos will be on this new account.  If you're not in my other account and would like photo evidence that I really do exist and that I'm not actually a 52 year-old man in Ohio jerking your chain pretending to go through IVF, then you can link me at my photo site here and I can add you as a friend so you can view the photos.  If I haven't heard from you before though, in either the comments or via email, then please don't take it personally if I don't add you-I'm a very paranoid chick.  I You know...if you want.

2)  The UK recently published findings, apparently, that alter the way some clinics handle twin pregnancies.  Mine is one of them.  They found that twin pregnancies have a reduced risk of pre-term labor on longer progesterone support, so whereas I was going to get to give the waxy ass bullets up by week 12 of the pregnancy, cyclogest and I will now be friends until 28 weeks.  That's twenty-eight weeks.  TWENTY-EIGHT.  That doesn't include the weeks I've already been on them, prepping my body.  I do feel for those who have PIO shots, but really-you get to walk away from those.  I'll be on pessaries for what feels like the rest of my natural born life.

3) Aidan did not tell his kids yet, but he did tell the friend he was staying with in Stockholm this past weekend about the pregnancy, and by the mere misfortune of me having had an Egg McMuffin Friday before a business meeting, two of my colleagues found out about it too (I started gagging in front of them and had to dash out while frantically grabbing for a trash bag.  Tell me that doesn't scream "Knocked up over here!" if anything does.)  The reactions were overwhelmingly positive and supportive.  His decision to not tell his kids was purely based on the fact that it was still early and I was bleeding, and he wants things to be certain and calm when he does tell them.  I do support this choice, actually. They'll still be in the early crowd of folks who know, and if the pregnancy proceeds ok we plan on involving them all the time if they'd like that (for example, in helping add to the possible baby name list.) We're not telling anyone else before week 12, with the exception of my dad and stepmom (who I am allowed to tell next Sunday on my birthday) and his kids, whom will be told soon.  We will not tell anyone they're IVF babies, because we really don't think it's anyone's business, but I do have a few friends I know who are going through IVF, and I may tell them. 

4) Our estimated due date (EDD) is a date we'll never hit, simply because with twins you rarely reach that 40 week mark that singletons and those inhabiting the "normal" pregnancy world get.  We'll be looking more like 36-38 weeks, but we'll still go by our 40 week mark when we list what our EDD is.   That day is-amazingly-the day that Aidan and I consider to be our anniversary.  That day is my favorite holiday of the year.

That day is October 31st, otherwise known as Halloween.

Comments

[Andria]

I am praying for you! I recently lost a twin, and while I wallowed in grief for a few days, I am comforted knowing that the other one is thriving.

[marie-baguette]

your symptoms all seem normal to me -- even the sneeze. My allergies have gotten far worse with my pregnancy and I also experience awful noose bleeds for the first time of my life. Pain will get better after the first trimester, but I know how frightening it is. Hang in there.

[thalia]

Vanessa, I'm hoping that the spotting stopping is the indicative thing here, and that everything will be fine tomorrow.

[Mina Wolf]

Hoping everything works out okay. Your EDD totally made me grin.

Oh, I don't believe I'm part of your previous flickr account but I would love to be part of this one. Do you need my flickr login for that?

[Cheryl]

I am so freaking relieved, I will be looking forward to some awesome news tomorrow,and hell YES I want to be on your picture list, how do I do it? Take care lovey.

[kris]

Vanessa-I am 32 weeks pregnant with IUI twins. Sneezed all day long for about the first 20 weeks! Weird symptom, but I had it too! Also had a cyst on my ovary as a result of the meds, and had off-and-on pain for the first trimester. The boob pain didn't last forever either.

Checking your blog faithfully, hoping for the best and cheering you on from afar.

[Kimberly]

I ran over here after reading at the other site that you were so blue, and I am so, so relieved to see that NBHHY*. Keeping my fingers crossed and the three of you in my prayers that all remains well.

*Nothing bad has happened yet

[Sara]

It sounds like you are doing well - also sounds like you and Aidan are supporting eachother. Good decisions and frames of mind all around. Keep taking care of yourself -

[amy t.]

Hey girl. Sorry I didn't post any wonderfully supportive comments during your worry-fest, but I was out of town. I'm glad things seem to be looking up, or at least looking less down. You'll be in my thoughts tonight.

xoxox

[Jen(aside)]

Aw, Halloween! That's awesome - you know, holiday due dates. My son's was on July 4th. He was born June 25th, though. I was really looking forward to telling him every year that the fireworks were just for him. ;)

I'm glad you don't seem quite as frantic. I'm hoping that everything is fine - and I'm sure it is. I am sorry to hear about the back and ovary pain. :\

What are those sayings? "Keep your chin up" and "Just keep trucking"? I prefer, from Finding Nemo, "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.."

[megan]

i hope your grounded ovaries start behaving. that is simply unacceptable behaviour! Halloween would be nice -- but I'm biased as a Halloween baby myself. It's a fine birthday to have!

[sophie]

I'm so glad to hear you feeling calmer and less freaked out. Very familiar with those feelings (though not pregnancy related) and I know how exhausting they are. I would love to see the photos and watch these little folks grow. Too cool on the Halloween EDD--even if the actual date will be sooner. Sending lots of very good stuff your way.

[Kath]

Dear Vanessa, so glad the spotting has let up, though I wish you could have been spared it entirely -- and the cramps, of course. I understand your decision not to move the scan up and am hoping very hard for great reassurance tomorrow.

[Nicole]

Thinking of you.

[Lut C.]

Between the spotting and the ovary pain, your PG isn't all that boring. :-/
I understand the decision not to move the appointment, though I would have understood the opposite decision as well.

Don't worry too much about the coffee. Thalia linked to some reassuring research about that, a good while back. I hear the witch hunt is now on alcohol, though I'm sure they'll move on to something else soon enough.

I'm reluctant to tell all and sundry before 12 weeks too. So far no morning sickness, so I haven't been caught out yet.

[caltechgirl]

Glad to hear you are hanging in there, and that the other post wasn't inspired by bad things. I was worried and clicked straight over here.

Thinking of the four of you!

[watson]

Hey there,

I'm sorry you've been so worried, I can't imagine how scary the bleeding must be.

:-(

It sounds like you're hanging in there just fine, and I'm sending you all the positive energy I can muster so that frat party quiets down in there.

Take care of yourself girl.

PS I must be going bed rest/home-bound CRAZY because your comment 'waxy ass bullets' sent me scrambling to my post-op instructions shrieking, "I've been shoving them WHERE??" and the I realized, oh hell, that was a joke. I have been doing it right :-)

[hopefulmother]

Glad that the bleeding has settled down a bit... I hope it goes away completely to rest your mind.

I think the cramping is normal. I had quite a bit up til 8 weeks, and have had it off and on since then.

Hoping for great news from tomorrow's scan... thinking of you!

[Kim]

I am glad things have let up a bit. I read recently that spotting is very common in twin pregnancies.
Praying for you.

[Shannon]

My thoughts are with you. Best of luck tomorrow!

[abs]

I really hope everything is fine petal

abs xxxx

[Sarnie]

Thinking of you all and your scan today x

[Gil]

As per Mel's comment week:
Oh oh oh! Halloween! Superb! How wonderful! I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the spotting is nothing to be concerned about and of course that the scan goes well. So much love and luck to you!

[Karen]

Due dates crack me up. I'm due a week after you, but with triplets, I'll be lucky if I make it to mid-September. Sheesh.

[instababy]

I am sooo excited for you. I have been reading your blog for months and ironically we have been going through the same thing at the same time... I only went through one IVF during your 4th round and miscarried as well. And Imagine my joy to find out I was pregnant naturally and when i came to your site I found your recent IVF succeeded as well. And I am due one week before you! I know you dont know me, but its totally an alignment. 2 of my friends ae also pregnant- 5 and 6 weeks. I like to think that you know everything will work out when 3 others get prego with you... babies always come in 3 or more. i think of you all the time when I go through my experience thinking "i wonder how twisted is doing.." Stay positive. CLAIM these babies as your own. Talk to them, I really think that makes a difference. And everyday wake up thinking, my babies are great, i cant wait to meet them. Best of luck!