Join Me in the Nutella Brigade

I've been waiting a long time.

A long fucking time.

This whole roller coaster kicked off the 5th of January, and it's still going.  If I'm being really literal about it all, my amusement park journey actually started in 2000, with early infertility discussions.  I've been strapped in, buckled up, with the bar firmly down since then.  I've had 5 cycles, donated eggs to two women, and am heading down the final corridor of giving this a try. 

And now I'm farther along than I have ever been (6w6d today) and I honestly feel like this is my best shot. 

Tuesday I finally get my scan.  There's nothing to tell me that it's not working, in fact considering the point that I am Mrs. Homer A Symptom, I think it's a pretty good indication that things are very positive.  I've never had pregnancy symptoms to this degree before, ever.  I couldn't be more textbook, to the point where I had to look up "pregnant goosebump nipples" because not only can I play Radio Tokyo with these things, I have these weird goosebumps on them (called Montgomery's glands, and apparently in some pregnancies they get more pronounced.  That'd be me then.)

I'm conscious of the fact that it seems like most of blogland is falling pregnant right now, and many are falling pregnant on Round 1 of IVF.  Yes, there are some negatives (and I really feel for you if it's you), but in general it seems like most people are just looking at a syringe and then getting a heartbeat.  And that's the thing, the positives seem to be followed up by heartbeats in no time.  I remember last August when I had a positive-I was also in a group that had positives and they all went on to heartbeats, and I got to be The Statistic.  You know the one, there has to be a negative reaction for that many positives, and I got the short straw.  Does this mean that - despite my massive symptoms - I'll be The Statistic again?  After 5 rounds of IVF and a painful 2006, am I always going to be the short straw girl?

I know the universe does not "owe" me.  I know that in the grand scheme of things, this many IVF attempts means nothing - some people get to be parents, some don't.  If this round fails I will be sitting back and doing some thinking - while I can't bear the idea of not being a parent for the rest of my life, I also couldn't bear another miscarriage.  Life is (to me) a more beautiful place with children in it.  IVF is also very hard on both me personally and on my relationship-although we're a very strong couple we do struggle when it's cycling time, and while I don't think another cycle will break us apart, at some point we have to start living life in such a way that we don't argue so much.

I honestly do feel positive, though.  When I bounce the question around in my head, I do think that it's working this time.  I know it can all go horribly wrong, that truthfully I could have nothing going on inside of me but since progesterone really does seem to keep me from menstruating, it's only a matter of time.  I just don't believe that's the case. 

I've been waiting a long time for this scan, which is coming on Tuesday.  I've been exhausted, light-headed, pukey, nauseous, and headache-y.  I've had restless leg, crazy dreams, night sweats, enormous and painful boobs, food cravings that vanish after 5 minutes, enough mucus to film Ghostbusters III and I've won the Extreme Nipple Competition.  I've had every symptom possible...but at the end of the day, it's what happens on Tuesday that matters. 

I do imagine it's working, too.  We're going on holiday with Aidan's kids in April, I imagine myself pregnant there. In the summertime, I imagine myself pregnant.  As fall approaches, I imagine myself pregnant still.  For the first time, I can see it happening to the end, and that's something new, too.  Women get pregnant all the time and don't think twice with this kind of worry, why can't I join that group, too?

So Tuesday.  In my heart of hearts I would like to see something measuring right on target at 7w1d, with one strong and perfect heartbeat.  I'd like to hug my RE and graduate.  I'd like to finally feel I can break down and buy a fucking pregnancy book even, just so I can know what's going on without feeling like I'd jinxed it.  And yes, things can still go wrong after that, but inside I feel that if I can get past Tuesday, I can get past it all.

Here's to Tuesday.

Join me in the Nutella Brigade, as we eat our way towards hope?

Comments

[Justme]

Here's to Tuesday sweetie! Yum, I love me some Nutella.

[Kath]

Dear Vanessa, I'm all decked out in Nutella face paint in your honor. I am so very hopeful for you. May everything be perfect on Tuesday and far beyond, and may all your hopes and dreams become reality.

[Jamie]

Just so you are aware -- you weren't the only one who felt left out in August (and several other cycles btw!).

I am sending all of my good thoughts to you for a wonderful scan on Tuesdsay. I hope it means you can eat Nutella with abandon for the next oh... 7 or so months! :)

[Cheryl]

I am so happy for you, I am confident this one is IT and that we will see many gorgeous pictures of you as you progress along#

[Karen]

I've never tried Nutella but I'm going to buy some today as a show of support. What do you do with it?

[BeachGirl]

So glad to hear that everything seems to be going perfectly! Here's to Tuesday and the power of vivid imagery to make wishes come true!

Thinkin' about you.

[Anita]

Vanessa, I hear you when you comment about 'jinxing' things. At 19 weeks I have not bought any books for me or one single item for Cleatus. I can't bring myself to do it.

While I do not enjoy Nuttela I will honor you by painting my face with it also.

[marie-baguette]

LOL! Just before I read your blog, I had sent Hubby-the-Martyr on a quest for Italian Nutella (made in Italy, so much better than Nutella made anywhere else, which is why they charge USD 8.29 for the stuff).I can't get enough of it these days! I am glad you are doing well and I will be thinking of you on Tuesday.

[judi]

Mmmm Nutella. I'll be thinking of you on Tuesday.

[thalia]

I'm scared of eating my jar of nutella as i might have contaminated it with some raw egg when I was making pastries last week. But I'm totally with you in spirit. Symptoms are a good thing, associated with lower risk of miscarriage (unless you are totally laid low, in which case you wouldn't be blogging so I'm assuming that's not the case).

[Susan]

Raising my nutella laden spoon in honor of Tuesday. Never had it before, but I'm trying it just for you!

[Lut C.]

I'm glad to hear you're feeling positive about the scan.

I really hope it shows exactly what you want to see, and you can forget about short straws.

[caltechgirl]

I'm so happy you're feeling positive. I think everything will be fine on Tuesday, and then I hope you'll be able to relax a little more and enjoy this whole experience.

[Tinker]

Well, you sound very pregnant to me. Not progesterone-induced-pregnancy-symptoms pregnant, but baby-growing-inside pregnant.

I sympathize with being the Statistic. I've been there too, and for the first while couldn't get my head around the fact that I was the one on the wrong side of the numbers. It's sad, and it adds to the fear with subsequent successes, but I really think you'll do fine this time.

And did you know that chocolate consumption is correlated with reduced risk of miscarriage? Yay Nutella!

[sophie]

I have never eaten Nutella before, and I'm not sure what to do with it, but I'll put it on the shopping list! Can I out it on 'nilla wafers? Hang in there! It's almost Tuesday.

[Anns]

I think things sound good to me and I think your positive feelings are good and will only help your baby grow and develop.

[Patience]

Babe, you can't be the statistic around here, k? That's my job, and I'll carry the banner for you while you eat your Nutella and continue being Mrs Symptom.

BTW- how can ANYONE eat Nutella? Disgusting....

[donna]

I've got my Nutella out and will spoon it into my mouth in solidarity. I'm on pins and needles with you, my dear.

Come on, Tuesday!!

[becky]

here's hoping for good news tuesday!

[Sara]

Nutella all around! Fingers crossed for good news on Tuesday!!!

[supersarah]

right here waiting with you, will have nutella toast for brekkie tomorrow (much better than vegimite!)

[girl]

I'm gonna have to pass on the Nutella, but I'll eat several Cadbury Eggs for you. Will that work?

[Ice Queen]

Ate my Nutella yesterday. Does that count? I'll be sure to munch down on some more Tuesday. You and the little one are in our hearts. Much love being sent your way.

[stinkerbell]

Crossing all bits for you on Tuesday!
Love you Vanessa :)

[hopefulmother]

My husband loves Nutella, but I've never had a real taste for it.

At any rate, I hope you have a great scan tomorrow and continue eating the Nutella (for 2 - or 3!)