The Dumpy Stage

Everyone has what I call The Dumpy Stage.  You know the one, where you're so seriously fugly you wish you could erase your appearance from everyone's mind?  That one?  Yeah.  Mine was when I was a pre-teen and I have photographic evidence of huge braces, tragic glasses, and the world's worst poodle perm in history (and no, I won't show you those photos, mostly because you'll never read this site again.  You'll be scarred.  You'll need to bleach your brain to free it of the horror.)  When Aidan saw those photos and he still said he loved me, I knew he was the man for me. 

It turns out it's possible to be in the Dumpy Stage again in life.  I thought that was all behind me, and yes-while the tragic poodle cut and frightening 80's glasses are in my past, I'm in a new Dumpy Stage.

It's called "I don't look pregnant, I just look like I need to do a lot of sit-ups". 

I weighed myelf on Tuesday and was shocked to see I'd gained 8 pounds.  It's true that I apparently need to get up to 15 pounds within the next two weeks (according to some sources, anyway.  None of the books are consistent because, you know, this whole thing isn't confusing enough.) but 8 pounds in one week was a lot.  Then I realized that whole "constipation" thing was indeed a problem, I visited my friend the Organic Prune and Angus discreetly didn't mention the phenomenal amount of methane I was emitting, and I'm here now to report that my clean colon and I are really only up 6 pounds, not 8* (don't tell me you never weighed yourself after a clean out session, because I know you did.  ADMIT IT.)

But my clothes are getting too tight.  I'm down to wearing my last pair of what Statia calls Big Girl Jeans as they hang off my body and the butt on them is somewhere down around my knees, but luckily they still fit as they're low-rise suckers, so I strap on a belt and look like I have the dress sense of Vanilla Ice.  I went to the shop the other day and bought two sundresses that have a lot of give, so I'll be able to wear them for a while if I continue to ride the Pregnancy Train. 

I also had to buy a bathing suit.

This was where the real trauma was.

My current bathing suit has ratty straps anyway, and my little paunch was getting obvious.  So in a startling move for someone who's gained 6 pounds, I bought a two piece swimsuit, a tankini, because it'll last several more months at least, if not the duration of the pregnancy (although by the end of this, it'll be looking like a bikini instead.)  I tried it on and was satisfied enough, but one thing's for sure-

Next week on holiday I'm going to be looking like the American who ate too many Cheetos.

Where is this gentle, gliding slope that women on TV have, the one that hallmarks them as being in the early pregnant stage?  What, was Hollywood fucking with us?  Is there such a slope?  Because I have what looks stunningly like a beer gut, my friend. 

But my body's changing.

(I know-you're probably thinking Way to go, cub reporter!  You're totally on the ball now, Pregneto!)

I can't suck in my stomach at all now.  And my little beer gut?  It's really hard, like a tight ball is under there.  I don't think it's actually fat, as I was overweight in the past, and this doesn't move like fat.  It moves like I am smuggling a rugby ball. 

So the twins-which I do believe are still alive in there, although I can't really explain why I think that, I just do-are about the size of plums.  Both of them.  That might explain my gentle Mrs. Claus rounding.

My next scan isn't until the 19th of April, at which point we go nuchal.  As for me, I'm doing ok.  Still hideously tired and, while I'm constipated, headache-y, occasionally nauseaus and usually hungry, I also have a new symptom which exploded on my horizon this week-I have a lot of saliva going on.  I'm like Droopy Dog before a BBQ buffet, I am Captain Drool.  It would be bearable except for the fact that it gives me bad breath, too (Aidan came up to me the other morning and told me, "Your breath is terrible."  I like to think it was because he was tired and really hung over, so I angelically forgave him his transgressions, and then I made out with a bottle of Listerine.) 

I  also can't really explain it, but I feel very strongly that I know one of the sexes of the twins.  Apparently with fraternal twins you have a 75% chance of having one of each, and so we're trying to set our expectations that we'll be having that.  But I can't tell you why, it makes no sense at all and I'm probably full of shit, but since seeing Fetus 1 on the screen the first time, I've been certain it's a boy.  I dunno why.  I don't really have that kind of certainty about Fetus 2, but stats say (and I'd be very pleased if this were true) that it's a girl. 

We'll find out when they're born, because the boy and I made a deal-we're not finding out the sexes of the babies beforehand. 

We're masochists like that.

*Still eating healthy**.

**OK, there was that event now known as the Great Cheese Doodle Event of 2007, but we don't talk about that day, and otherwise I'm eating healthy.***

***Well, yes-I am on the way to the grocery store and yes-if I dont' have a donut RIGHT NOW I may die, but other than that, I swear I'm eating healthy.

Comments

[marie-baguette]

don't you worry, very soon you will have the pregnant belly: your belly, instead of being round will have this weird form where it is obviously pregnant (I am sorry I can't explain it without drawing, but you will see!) and everyone will guess you are preggers and not full of cheetos. The good news too is that constipation disappears too after a while, and it makes you so happy you want to weep. Oh and take good care of your teeth: apparently all the saliva is not good for plaque and gingivitis. Yikes!

[Mina Wolf]

I actually gained weight like you did within the first few weeks of finding out. My doctors said some women bloat a lot at the beginning. I then went through 3 to 4 weeks of gaining nothing so it evened itself out. Though of course with twins, you'll be gaining weight at a completely different rate.

As far as the sex, totally trust your instincts. I tried so hard to think it was a girl or boy but the only one that clicked was a boy. Turned out I was right.

[thalia]

I haven't been weighing myself but am sure I put on some weight that I didn't really need to, due to first trimester insane urges to eat constantly. Not too much though. I have that paunch too, and if I wear one of marie-baguette's famous belly bands to keep my trousers up, I look really pregnant. If I just stick to baggy trousers, I look a bit paunchy. I guess you'll get there earlier due the whole twin thing.

I dunno how you can wait to find out, I am desparate to know what they are!

[amy t.]

Hey. There is NOTHING wrong with looking like you indulged in too many cheetos. I look like that all the time.

[Clancy]

Yeah - sick by your guns and do your best not to know the sexes. We did that and really enjoyed the suspense. There is no compelling reason to know - they all wear the same things for the first 2 months anyway...

[becky(priss/lola)]

i had gained weight over the holidays, and already had a slight paunch. just slight. and while the scale says i haven't gained any weight, my belly seems like it's sticking out further. maybe it's just the bloating. but i've been feeling dumpy, so i think i know what you mean.

[Teresa]

This really is the pits-I was already overweight when I carried both my kids, so I just looked extra dumpy for a few weeks-of course than I blew up like a balloon everywhere (think Violet Beauregard without the violet). You are in great shape so in a few weeks you will have that adorable pregnant belly. In the mean time I give you props for representing us Americans who truly do have a 'too many cheetos' belly.

Not finding out the sexes-it is tough, but there are not many true 'surprises' left in life anymore, and this is a fun one (even if it means I can't make you gender specific items until after they are born-oh well, I will make it I guess ;-)).

[caltechgirl]

You made me giggle this morning with this, and I am VERY appreciative.

I think you're doing great, and good on you for sticking it out to see what you get. I couldn't. Too much of a control freak.

[teamwinks]

Awwww....man! We really have to wait the entire time to find out the sexes? :-)

Good luck hunting down that donut!

[statia]

*makes room on the dumpy bench* I hate to say it, but I'm back to being in the dumpy phase.

And the drool. Oh my god, I HATED that. I'd just be talking and would drool out of nowhere. It's all that extra saliva you're producing and it's got nowhere to go.

[Sara]

just make sure the donuts have chocolate frosting = antioxidant = healthy eating!

[mellie]

Your description of belting on your butt-saggy jeans on brought back some great memories, or chuckles anyway, of those times both pre and post baby. Thanks and good luck!

[Lut C.]

I need to get myself a bathing suit too, a two-piece is a good idea. I hadn't heard the term tankini before.

Hope the symptoms subside soon.

[Carol]

Sounds like you and I are having about the same body morphing issues. I'm definitely in the 'don't look pregnant but look like I need a lot of situps' stage too. It's a strange in-between stage.

and, um, yes - I will confess to the before/after weighing.

And good for you on not finding out the sexes! We aren't going to find out either - and I've been feeling very alone in that committment, since everybody finds out these days. So I am glad to have a partner in the holding out!

[Lindsay]

I must be having sympathy weight gone for you. None of my pants fit and I can't even blame it on a baby. Baby Ruth, maybe.
If it's a boy/boy combo, I'd appreciate you naming them Milo and Otis. I'd consider it a special little nod to our friendship. :)

[suzanne]

I can't decide which is worse : the stage where people looked at my stomach then quickly looked away before they thought better of asking if I as pregnant (as it was not quite clear) or where I am now - people look at my stomach, get a pained look on their face and kindly offer me their seat (at 32 weeks).

You have lots of fun ahead!

[jenny]

A pregnant belly cannot be sucked in, don't even bother trying. As for the clean out session - that's the only time I weight myself!

[shazz]

I want donuts now!!