Shhhh! I Only Have a Moment!

OK.  God.  I only have a second here, if I get found out then no doubt they'll put me in maternity overalls and paint my house in Mickey Mouse "Welcome Baby!" colors.  No no no!  Keep your voice down!  If they hear us, they'll drag me to a Babies 'R Us, and I don't have the intestinal fortitude to handle that now. 

OK.  When we had the ultrasound with the heartbeat they made me swear and sign a piece of paper.  This is part of the secret ritual, a kind of "is it decaf or is it real?" Folger's challenge.  So even though I am sworn to secrecy, I cannot keep this to myself.  If you're still reading here, chances are I consider you a friend, and this secret is too vital to the well-being of the community to keep to myself.

You ready?

God, the pregnant women are going to kill me.  Especially the Secret Pregnant Pact Patrol.  They're so scary.  They make elephant-sized tampons look like welcome wagons.

Pregnant women have been lying to you, people.  LYING.  They tell you that pregnancy is some big miracle of life, blah blah blah, but how it's so hard and the only redeeming thing is you can have cheese biscuits in your mashed potatoes for dinner and no one bats an eye, not to mention that whole "I get a baby at the end of his business".  Oh no.  It's a ruse.  Pregnant women actually have the single greatest thing in the whole wide world, ever (and no, it's not that "baby at the end of this business part").  Pregnant women act like pregnancy is so hard, but really, they have found the golden chalice.  Pregnant women have signed a pact to hide it from the general public.  But I'm going renegade now, mostly because I care but also because I love living life on the edge (hence the reason I've taken to wearing boy shorts instead of trimming my hedge.)

So here it is, the secret I have been sworn to keep from the general public:

Maternity clothes are the most amazingly comfortable clothes in the whole wide world, ever.

SHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  Don't shout at me like that, the Secret Pregnant Pact Patrol have ears like bats!  For Christ's sake, I'm lucky they didn't hear me open that box of Thin Mints I've hidden in my freezer. 

I'm telling you this because I care.  With regards to wearing the maternity clothes, it doesn't matter if you're pregnant, not pregnant, male, or an Anarctic penguin.  Go buy a pair of jeans with that stretchy waistband.  You want the cheese plate after dinner?  You got the maternity pants on?  GO FOR IT.  Fancy another beer during the game?  Put on the stretchy pants and booze away.  That black forest gateau looks exquisite on the dessert cart?  Why say no, if you're wearing maternity pants? 

I know!  I know!  You wouldn't believe it, would you? 

And here's a clincher-if you want cheap maternity clothes, go to America.  Go to an Old Navy in a place where pregnant women are the bane of society, where they stand out like Pavarotti in a Weight Watchers clinic.  I chose Miami Beach when we were last in the States, because really-if you have cellulite, they usually run you out of town.  I only just managed to outrun them when I was spotted eating a grilled cheese sandwich, French fries, and a chocolate milkshake.  Their looks of horror will forever be etched in my memory. 

I went into an Old Navy that was liquidating their maternity section in a desperate attempt to rid their clothing racks of that infection known as "knocked up" and although the maternity pickings were slim, I found a pair of maternity jeans in the Super Clearance Oh My God This Shit is Ugly rack.  And while the jeans - whose stretchy belly band is a fleece covered with ice cream cones or some other weird kind of happy Holly Hobbie shit - are not the most beautiful things in the world, when I put them on in the dressing room I nearly wept for joy.  I saw a world with the little baby Jesus singing and dancing in a ring with the Smurfs and a couple of Monchichis.  I saw visions of a Paris Lohan Ritchie-free life, and it was good.  I saw much cheese in my future. 

When I went to pay for my newest most bestest friends in the world, I chose well, my friends.  I chose the register with the teenager who looked the most bored.  My jeans didn't have a tag on them, so he turned around to his fellow cashier, a woman I'll call Anorexic Annie, and asked her about them.  He handed her them.  She took in the ridiculous ice cream cone stretchy band.

"GOD," she said, her lip curling in disgust (and I'm not embellishing this part, it really did happen).  "These are maternity.  We don't sell maternity anymore."  She handed them back and looked like she wished she could burn her hand off where it touched the offending Big Girl Pants.  She stared at the concave expanse of her navel, which could clearly be seen next to the outline of her liver and small, shriveled intestine, to make sure the Pregnancy Bug wasn't catching.

"You obviously do sell them," I replied sweetly.  "I found them on the clearance rack."

My I-Can't-Be-Bothered cashier bleeped some buttons uselessly for a while, until by some miracle a price came up on the register.  "They're $24.99," he said, bored.

"Fine," I replied.  "But they're on the clearance rack, so they're at least 30% off, and I want my 30%."  I am such a whore.

Useless Cashier Dude vainly bleeps more buttons, and it's obvious he hasn't a fucking clue what he's doing.  Presently, he drops my jeans into the bag of the other clothes we bought.  We pay and leave, and when I checked the receipt, I saw he hadn't bothered to actually charge us at all for the jeans.  They'd proved too much of a hassle, so he'd simply given them to me for free.  This did make me start to regret not picking up more of the empire waist shirts they had, but then pregnancy has not given me super psychic powers to view the future or anything. 

But see?  This is why maternity clothes are meant to be.  Meant to be for everyone.  I now wear maternity clothes full time (when I'm not in pajamas, that is.  Just call me Roseanne.) and fuck it, once I've given birth and am no longer pregnant I'm still wearing these pants to every cheese buffet I ever come across.  I'm here to spread the word.  It's important the secret gets out.  If you're a guy, a chick, single, married, pregnant, not pregnant, into late night oil-based martial arts, it doesn't matter.  You NEED maternity clothes, you'll never be more comfortable than-

Oh God. 

That sound. 

I think I heard the sound of the freezer opening.  And...oh my god, yes, that's the sound of the Thin Mints package opening.  They're on to me.  The Secret Pregnant Pact Patrol knows I've blown the ultimate vow.  They found me.  I don't know how, but they found me.

Run for it, Marty!

Comments

[MsPrufrock]

I shouldn't admit to this as it's positively tragic, but I wore my stretchy maternity jeans from Next the other day. You know, nine months after giving birth. My deal is that the only two pairs of trousers that fit me were in the wash, so I had no choice. Lord are they comfortable. They just have an elasticated waist, no panels, so they don't necessarily look like maternity jeans. I hope they don't anyway, assuming the waistband itself is covered.

I was in love with empire waists when pregnant. As a woman weighing over 100lbs I never felt as if I could wear the empire waist without looking pregnant or just plain fat. Pregnancy opened that door for me and I was thrilled. Sigh. I miss them.

[Cheryl]

Damn it you are funny, I needed a laugh this morning. Glad to see you lighten up!

[canape]

That is awesome.

I've been trying to convince my husband that if I wear a pair of pajama pants to my yoga class, that they become yoga pants, thereby being acceptable for wear in the everyday world. He's not buying it.

How I would love to join in the world of expandable waist lines and empire tops. I most look forward to having an excuse for enormous boobs. Joy.

[Teresa]

I have made myself a few pair of pants and bought the maternity stretch panel to sew in the front instead of the zipper-they are the best and I don't give a shit what others think about them.

Of course, I also wear bloomers that are hiked up above my ribcage, and in the last trimester of my second pregnancy actually bought a mumu.

Again, I really don't give a shit most days....

[donna]

I loved maternity clothes too. In fact, I swear that I will only wear maternity T-shirts from Gap for the rest of my life. The only thing I hated was maternity underwear. It rode up like mad. I found just buying up a size at VS was the best option for me.

[jen]

Almost 4 months since giving birth the only pants that fit comfortably are a few of the maternity pants I have. I held off on buying anything in a larger regular size, but broke down a couple of weeks ago because I needed nicer pants for work.

What they also don't tell you is that while you may lose the baby weight after birth, your body configuration is never the same again. Things move! I'm still trying to adjust to that idea. You're in for fun later...

[Teri]

They DO have maternity thongs now. Knickers. You know. They saved my life!

[Kim]

Maternity clothes are the best-- but shhhhh don't tell anyone!

[caltechgirl]

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!

I'll keep that in mind!

[Margi]

I still have a pair of stretchy pants from OLD NAVY (LOL) that I refuse to give up.

I will henceforth shamelessly wear them and visit the Golden Corral in your honor.

Bwwah!

[Lut C.]

Mwahaha! Hilarious.

Thing is, where I live most maternity wear stores cater to just-a-pound-away-from anorexic PG woman. Sure, the things look cute in the shop window, but what's the point?

[Lindsay]

Lol..I can hear the one of the lemondheads now...
"Mommy? Why did you have me?"

"Because the pants were so comfortable, luv. Now hand Mummy that cookie, please."

Speaking of thin mints? Try dipping them in hot cocoa or coffee for just a second. Mmmmm.

[Carol]

It is amazing, isn't it? The Old Navy maternity section is my new home away from home. I love, love, love my maternity pants. I plan to wear them after the birth for as long as I can get away with it.

Personally - I think it's some giant fashion industry conspiracy that "regular" pants are so darned UNcomfortable. Why they heck to they have to be that way? when maternity pants have proved that cute pants can be comfy?

One other great secret - the materinity underwear from Old Navy are also awesome. They're cute. they look like regular binkini panties, except they are cut lower in front. I may never give those up either.

[Tracey]

HAHAHA.. I keep hearing Maternity clothes are all the rage... Cant wait to feel comfy after a large meal in my clothes! Maybe women of the world should rebel and bring them to the fashion forefront!

[Jamie]

*laugh* I have to admit I totally agree. I don't know why everyone doesn't wear these everyday!! They are ungodly comfortable and still look the same as regular pants as long as you wear longer tops. I may just have to buy a whole new wardrobe!

Thanks for the laugh!

[sophie]

Reminds me of the episode of "Friends" where Joey borrows a pair of Phoebe's old maternity pants on Thanksgiving and thinks they are the greatest thing since sandwiches. Thanks for making me smile today.

[hopefulmother]

Yep. I might truly have a breakdown if/when I have to go back to regular-people clothes later...

[Simone]

Oh My God! I can't wait to get me some big ass/gut jeans! All the Maternity wear sounds heavenly.

[Tinker]

I had a pair of those Old Navy mat jeans two years ago with my son. I loved them lots until my waist got bigger than my hips. From that point they just wanted to slip to the narrowest point of my body and I hated that they were constantly falling off my butt.

So this time around I have at least one pair of mat pants that has a proper waistband, but is cut to accommodate a pregnant tummy. Right now it's too wide (and I don't have a belt that fits my waist anymore), and I fear that when I try them again they'll be too narrow. Aaaack! So I'm making due with my biggest stretch-fabric jeans with elastic bands through the buttonholes and long maternity t-shirts. With summer coming perhaps I should be checking out dresses... that could solve the slippage issue. Hmmm.

[alchemilla]

I've just found your blog and have spent way too much time reading you when I should have been doing something else.

I'm hooked, and I'm very happy to be rooting for you and your twins, and hoping that you have a boringly uneventful pregnancy to as close to Halloween as possible.

Of course I'm hooked. How could anyone read about your shooting a progesterone suppository out of your ass and not be hooked?

[Anita]

Oh Vanessa, you're preaching to the choir here!

I went into Old Navy just before Christmas and picked up three pairs of maternity pants (two khaki's and a pair of jeans). Now I did not get the deal you did on the jeans but I did pay the paltry sum of $6.97. BEST PANTS EVER! While everyone was sitting about after Christmas dinner moaning and unbuttoning their pants I sat comfortably, snacking on a wide assortment of nuts, cookies and chocolate.
Heaven.

[Mina Wolf]

Seriously, I'm totally trying to figure out how long I can get away with wearing maternity clothes after the baby. Oh, and Old Navy is my favorite for maternity clothes. They actually have some really cute jeans online as well. Oh, another one...Target. Of course, a bit difficult for you with the whole different country action going on. But if anyone comes to visit, you can always get them to pick some up for you :)

[becky(priss/lola)]

dude. i am SO going to old navy this weekend. whore. (love ya, mean it)

[Sarnie]

Eh yeah !! I put off buying stretchy maternity clothes for as long as I possibly could .......... Deciding in the end that it was probably best to wait till I was pregnant :0) X

[Michele]

Mmmmmm frozen Thin Mints. So tempted to go to the freezer now. Dammit.

When I open my closet and look at the section of maternity wear I tend to sigh and wish I had an excuse to put those stretchy jeans and shorts on again. I accidentally put on a maternity tshirt and noticed how it looked more like a tenty dress than a tshirt. I wore it anyway.

Now, where are those damn Thin Mints. I need to get all of the sweets out of the house - one way or another. I prefer the eating way.