Back in Time

So we got a thank-you card the other day from the posh nursery in our area.  Said posh nursery - which we'll call The Very Poshy Nursery from hereon - is one that the company we work for offers a 10% discount if you send your baby there.  Of course, the company failed to mention that the nursery is the most expensive nursery in the area by quite a margin, so thanks, company!  So helpful! 

We toured the nursery a few months ago, and added our name to the waiting list.  There is such a dearth of child care in our areas that women are adding their babies to the waiting list while they're still TTC.  There I was, a few months pregnant with twins, actually prepared to provide proof that reproduction had at least taken place, and I signed up for the waiting list.  And paid £100 for the privilege of doing so.

There are now two nurseries we have our names down for - both approved by the government website Ofsted, with good ratings, qualified help, and clean facilities.  One of them is run by the county council, so it's smaller, has less activities, is located on the premises of a local school, and for the first few months the Lemonheads go to nursery they can only take them three days a week (but this is ok with me-I want them to go to nursery only max 4 days a week anyway).  The other nursery is The Very Poshy Nursery, which will cost us significantly more money, is further away from our home, and when we went there we had no fucking clue what they were on about most of the time.  Every single day and activity is structured around some kind of learning plan based on the esteemed methods of schools of Western thought who deduced that the Maharini Armstrong Method of Inter-Structural Play is best for the development of baby's posterior cerebellum and cortex, or some such shit.  Aidan and I nodded dumbly at most of it, and wondered if they ever gave the baby something as easy as, oh, I dunno, a wooden block to gnaw on for a while when they were teething, or if the babies were instead presented with a civil engineering blueprint in order to increase and abet mastication. 

Aidan is keen on The Very Poshy Nursery.

Vanessa and her eye on being able to ever buy a tube of mascara again are keen on the council run nursery, although she admits the infant facility of The Very Poshy Nursery is better than the council one, but can't see too much difference once they get to toddler age (although the poshy nursery does things like take the toddlers on field trips to a bread-making factory.  I can't imagine what a 2 year-old gets out of that, but what do I know, I don't have a degree in baby education.  Clearly.)

The Very Poshy Nursery sent us a card the other day.

It reads:

Dear Vanessa and Aidan,

Thank you for registering the twins at The Very Poshy Nursery and for returning the registration form and fee.  Please update us when the twins arrive so we can amend their form.  Good luck on the rest of your confinement.

Kind Regards,
The Very Poshy Nursery.

OK now.

My "confinement"?

What the fuck? 

Edith Wharton called, she wants her time period back. 

My confinement?  Seriously?  What's next - will I start suffering from the vapours?  Am I in a delicate condition?  Am I in danger of swooning?   

I felt like writing The Very Poshy Nursery back.

Dear The Very Poshy Nursery,

I am writing to acknowledge receipt of your kindly distributed epistle.  We look forward to further social intercourse with yourselves upon the advent of our nestlings.  Upon their genesis, perhaps we can ascertain with some degree of certitude the possibility of their attendance at your fine establishment.

Very Kind Regards,
Vanessa and Aidan

Postscript - we don't do confinement in this household unless you're talking about what we do with Aidan's ties on Sunday afternoon, but that involves lubrication and blindfolds.  We don't really call it "confinement".  Let's think of it as Mommy and Daddy's Reindeer Games, shall we? 

Confinement.

Sheesh.

Comments

[Lee]

Ohhh yes... confinement. I work in HR and when I moved over to the UK and had to issue my first maternity leave letter I was like umm confinement? What the crap does that mean? "She just gave birth! Lock her down and keep her away from the general public!" Needless to say I found that word a bit, how you say, offensive? Then I was informed that "expected week of confinement" (EWC) could be interchanged with "expected week of childbirth". So now I use that instead in all of my letters. I mean come on - let's get with the times.

[MsPrufrock]

Confinement. Hahahaha. That is too funny. Well, as you are with child and all that...

P's nursery is part of a rather posh private school, yet her daily updated notebook states regularly that she has played with cardboard boxes and yoghurt pots. I don't know if that's an indictment of the school or the strangeness of my kid.

They make it up later though, as I'm promised she gets weekly French lessons at the age of 3. She'll need all of that stimulation, what, with the two prior years of box-playing.

[MsPrufrock]

Lee's comment wasn't up when I originally posted. I work for a university, and though they used EWC, they never used the word "confinement", only "childbirth". I surely would have posted about that ages ago if it had said confinement.

[Kath]

Hee hee -- confinement. How Elizabethan!

Your "schools of Western thought who deduced that the Maharini Armstrong Method of Inter-Structural Play is best for the development of baby's posterior cerebellum and cortex, or some such shit" just made me lose it, sister. Too funny!

[May]

What they said. Oh dear, it's all too funny. Thanks for the laugh. 'Confinement'. Bread-making factories. Wonderful.

[Anita]

I have got to stop reading this blog first thing in the morning. Do you have any idea how many times tea has shot out from my nose and all over my keyboard?

Confinement ... sheesh!

Postscript: I do have to admit that having tea shoot out of my nose is most likely better then having a suppository shoot out of my ass.

[M]

Wow....you had me rolling with the note back back to TVPN!!!!

[DD]

Is there a Head Mistress? Does she dress entirely in gray, including her severely pulled backed hair?

Sounds like you better start early and get all the baby clothes and items monogrammed.

(I'm sure it's a very nice nursery or else you wouldn't have applied. Just some light-hearted ribbing.)

[statia]

I will totally pay you in bouncy seats if you write that letter.

[caltechgirl]

BWAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHA.

Thanks. My screen needed that wash....

[Victoria]

"Postscript - we don't do confinement in this household unless you're talking about what we do with Aidan's ties on Sunday afternoon, but that involves lubrication and blindfolds. We don't really call it "confinement". Let's think of it as Mommy and Daddy's Reindeer Games, shall we? "

*Snort*

You have a brilliant sense of humor~

[justme]

you just crack me up!

[beagle]

Thanks for the giggles!

[Donna]

You didn't know you aren't fit for public viewing during the last 3 months of gestation? Sheesh. You'd better get with the program, girl.