Book Tour - "The Kid"

So the latest book tour just read "The Kid", which I have to be honest - I loved.  I loved it so much I've ordered a few of the author Dan Savage's other books, which isn't fun because he's not known over here and thus I'm still waiting.  Thanks, Amazon. 

It's not often you get a book that discusses adoption, fertility, loss, or something like that and yet uses "put someone else's dick in my mouth" on page 1 of the book, which I admit caught me off guard.  The fact that they're two men adopting really didn't impact me at all except to see things from their eyes, which offered an interesting perspective in terms of how they viewed adoption, children, families, etc. (as in the case of their discussion about the point of sex.  The author believes heterosexuals primarily do it for procreation while homosexuals have sex for fun.  I don't actually agree with that - he should stop by our house some time, especially during a Reindeer Games session.  Or actually that's weird.  He should probably wait until we've put the ties away again.)

So, the questions:

Dan makes a point that straight infertile couples have something in common with a same sex couple who are, by definition, "functionally infertile" and draws an analogy between coming out as gay/lesbian and "coming out" as infertile. This got me thinking about the issues of donated gametes, and how this approach to building a family has long been accepted by lesbians, of course, while the huge growth in egg donation has now begun to make donated gametes quite mainstream. But while a lesbian or gay couple have no choice but to be open about the making of their family (as Dan points out, the child will eventually realise he wasn't born of two dads) it seems common for straight couples using donated eggs or sperm to keep it a secret.  What's your take on all of this? If you have used donated gametes, do you see your family as non-conventional? Do you have an ongoing relationship with the donor? Do you plan to be open about the donation?

I think it's up to the couple, actually.  I can see pros and cons for telling the children about the donated eggs/sperm.  Pros - it's open, honest, hopefully let's the child know how much they were wanted (not like that was in doubt, most likely), and in case of inherited conditions maybe in some ways it wipes the slate clean-if they know that there are issues with Huntingdon's or balanced translocation in the family, maybe it would be a comfort to know that they haven't necessarily inherited those conditions when it comes to potentially making their own families someday.  Cons - what happens if it makes the child feel disillusioned or "incomplete", or they go seeking a biological parent for closure they may never have?

Although it's not an issue anymore, we were potentially prepared to tell our kids that they may or may not have half-siblings out there, other than the two kids of Aidan's that they will grow up knowing.  We were probably going to be ok about telling them we donated, as oppposed to we used donated gametes.  Had we used donated gametes, I think we would've been truthful about that at a point we felt the children were prepared to handle the information. 

The idea of a convential or non-conventional family isn't really relevant anymore, I don't think.  Aidan's kids from his previous marriage are, in many ways, my kids, too.  Our kids together will be his kids' siblings and I have no doubt that the "half-brother/half-sister" idea won't apply.  They're just brothers and sisters.  Most family situations I know of are unconventional - I have nothing to do with my sister and that's completely and totally ok with me.  Instead, Statia is like a sister to me, because while blood may be thicker than water Philosophy shower gel is even thicker than that.  To me the notion of a nuclear family that's held in convention is an ideal that has changed and shifted with divorces, estrangements, fertility treatments and more.  A family is simply composed of those you love.

On p. 164, Dan is terrified of bringing baby items into the house before the adoption is finalized.  Will you (or did you) bring items into the house before a birth or an adoption?

If it were up to Aidan we wouldn't have a damn thing before they're born.  If it were up to me, we wouldn't have absolutely everything but we'd have some semblance of stability.  Aidan truly, completely feels that buying goods before birth could jinx things.  I truly, completely feel that with twins we're going to be spinning our wheels when they arrive so having some things in order is essential.  We'll have the basics, really-cots, pram, baby car seats, baby onesies, bottles, formula, and some diapers.  I have also bought two swings from ebay as the prices were great and I know we'll be using them at some point.  That may be all.  I'm pushing for painting the room, too, because I want the place to be familiar and stay familiar, but I'm not sure I'm going to win that one. 

What do you think DJ will think when he reads this book down the line?

I  honestly think he'll get a kick out of it.  He will probably know his household to be humorous and easy-going, which should be reflected in the way he reads it.  Maybe he'll want to have his dads around when he does read it-I'd feel insecure about the parts written about Melissa and her choices, perhaps that will need sensitive treatment.  But it sounds like he'll have a childhood with two well-balanced adults, which I think is a great start. 
 

Comments

[Deb]

Great thoughts! I agree that the defination of a family is really what you make it these days.

[Bea]

Love your thoughts on the definition of family.

Bea

[Ellen K.]

Good thoughts on "The Kid," esp. the first answer and your definition of family.

[Stacie]

I want to say first, congratulations on your twin pregnancy. My IVF twins are a year old now, and it has been an adventure.

I am putting a link in here to my pregnancy chronicle, which may interest you. http://twinkies.bastetweb.com/category/pregnancy/page/4/

About the book tour. There was an article in last week's New York Times magazine about donor gametes by Peggy Orenstein which opened with an anecdote about a girl putting "when Mom met the donor" on her life timeline for a 6th grade project. The mother was a little nonplussed at being outed on the school wall, but the girl was totally unbothered by that element of her life. Kids take things in stride much more easily than adults do.

[Drowned Girl]

I like your answers

[Josh]

I also think DJ will get a kick out of it. Or at least I hope so -- if it upsets him it would probably be because no one ever wants to know that much about their parents' sex life.

[Mel]

"A family is simply composed of those you love."

Absolutely perfectly stated.

[Lori]

Maybe DJ should skip page 1.

I echo everyone else -- your definition of family is a wonderful one.