Choosing Toppings

Although the blogging world is enormous (what are we-6.5 million, the last time I saw?  More?  Less?  Who cares?) it doesn't mean that everyone in blogging agrees.  Hell, when I get my team together for a lunch meeting we can't even get a consensus on what kind of topping to have, and we're only talking pizza for Christ's sake.  My other blog once blew up in my face when I dared have an opinion about something political so I stay away from politics now.  Similarly this blog, this site, is here to discuss where I am in one area and one area only - fertility treatment and now pregnancy. 

There are a lot of fertility blogs out there.  At any given moment someone is pinching an inch of skin and sticking the needle in.  As I type this a hopeful woman is waiting to hear back about a blood test.  And you never know-as you read this, it's likely that someone is peeing on a stick and offering up prayers to whatever god they claim. 

This does not mean that all of us in the same boat row working with the same paddles.  While there isn't a single infertile blogger that I actually hope doesn't succeed, there are a few I don't really get excited about.  It's the way it is, they're the pepperoni to my vegetarian cheese pizza.  Maybe I have a problem with a blogger who put back 6 blasts and is actually hoping for sextuplets, maybe I have a problem with another blogger whose religion seems to me to be enough to raise the E2 levels.  There is a medium-sized infertile blogger whose writing bugged the shit out of me, so I just stopped reading her.  I don't wish her lack of success, but I don't particularly feel very sympathetic either.

But there's a theme I've noticed in infertile blogs.  A division, a Mason-Dixon line, that line you do not cross in the sand.  It is the haves against the have-nots (not how I view it but how I feel it's viewed.  Am not making judgement calls here).  If you get knocked up you become a have.  If you get knocked up and miscarry, you fall back into the have-nots.  If you have a baby?  You're a have-r.  No baby?  Failed cycle?  Your ovaries crawled out of your body and making their way down the Interstate?  You've urinated on anything remotely resembling a home pregnancy test (including bic pens and corn cob holders) and still no double line?  A have not.  This is how I feel the situations are presented.

I think this happens by the very nature of what we're all doing-you're either going to succeed or you're not.  There's no third option here.  If you're in infertility treatment it's black or white.  While the results of the treatment may vary - children, childlessness, adoption, fostering, etc., the process itself has one of two ways of ending.  It would be nice to know that we're all going to be a team together while we get there, but that's not possible.  After all, how am I supposed to get along with the stuffed crust gang, what with me being a pan crust kind of girl?

Maybe it's human nature.

But there is a harder edge to the infertile crowd I think.  A line of rawness that's too much to ignore, the very nature of our vulnerabilities a little too easy to be ok with being a have not about.  I know you're probably saying It's easy for you to say all this, you're pregnant.  Yes I am.  But for many years (and many cycles) I wasn't.  I felt huge bitterness.  I couldn't read blogs of women who succeeded around the time that I did.  I couldn't bear all the pregnant women that appeared when I miscarried.  I was hugely raw inside. 

I saw the bitterness when we got pregnant and found out it was twins.  Twins, of course, being Aidan's worst nightmare, and it's right there on our doorstep.  I had women emailing me and blasting me.  I had comments zooming me into the stratosphere.  I had some even tell me their marriages were the least of their priorities in all of this, and how dare you, you ungrateful cow!  At least you HAVE a baby, said the women in treatment, what the fuck do you have to be upset about?

There is more than one line in the sand, then.

I see the battle lines everywhere.  Bloggers who were infertile and went on to have a baby are really apologetic and embarrassed.  I'm really sorry to blog about this, but my kid has diarrhea coming out around her ear holes.  I know.  I have a baby.  I shouldn't complain.  I'll shut up now.

I see them amongst those of us who are actually pregnant now.  I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but pregnancy is really hard on me.  I swear I'm not complaining.  I am so thankful. 

But Jesus-you just moved on in the process, it doesn't mean you can't bitch about things.  When we were all going through the IVF cycles, it never crossed our minds to not complain that we are swollen or moody or tearful or any other host of horrible ailments the treatment brings on.  Complain away!  You earned it!

But it's always with dismay that I read when someone who has gone on to have successful treatment gets turned on.  Take the Redbook Infertility Diaries debacle, the one where apparently motherhood means you no longer get to be part of the Infertile Fan Club (it's a fun club.  There's a secret handshake and everything.  I can't wait until we get our matching T-shirts.)  One of the hosts had successful treatment and now has twins, so clearly she has no right to associate with being infertile, right?  Right?  She's now an ungrateful bitch, right?  She's a have-r, so she should meekly attempt to inherit the earth, yeah?

WELL, SCREW THAT.

She had the needles.  She had the tears.  She had the extractions.  She knows.  Just because she's a mother now doesn't mean she's forgotten how she got there.  What, something bursting out of your loins means you're suddenly fertile?  Is that how it works?  Because if so, I would've used a lot more tampons in my life, my friend.  If you were infertile and had a baby through ART, then you are a successful infertile Mom.  Simple as that.  The labels don't change, the PCOS doesn't disappear, the endo doesn't vanish, the tubes don't reconnect.  You succeeded, yes, but after you have a baby you couldn't have another one naturally if you spent the night at a Navy ship that'd seen 16 months at sea.

I for one know that even once I have my babies - despite the sleepless nights, despite their giggles and laughter - I will never forget what I went through to have them.  Never.  I will never begrudge them or remind them of it either.  But I will know just what it was like to get from A to Baby.  I bet that's how it is with every woman who finally gets a positive.

Yes, maybe if you just had a failed cycle the last thing you want to read about is a mother coping with IVF twins.  If that's the case, click off the page.  Same with my site, or Barren Albion's, Karen's, or anyone who has two pink lines.  But here's the thing, the thing maybe I should've thought about when I was clicking off pages of knocked up people after one of my failed cycles-the person I'm reading knows what it's like to feel like I do.  If someone cycling wants to email me and vent about it, I'd love to talk about it, listen, help, whatever.  Because one of the things I've been learning (and I admit, I still suck at) is it's good to have a team of people around you of all shapes and sizes and cycles.  If you're cycling and need support, I'm here.  If you have cankles, I'm here.  If your baby has colic, I'm here.  If you got pregnant naturally and just want to talk, I'm here.  Hell, if you've decided to start the new Daisy Hill Puppy Farm, I'm here.  Isn't that the way things should work?  We need different people at different times, but why cross someone off as the enemy during the times you don't need them?

The infertile world, man.

More clique-y than Sweet Valley High.

Maybe we should sit down and agree to order breadsticks if we can't decide the toppings.  At least that way, we'll know that we're not alone.  None of us are, no matter where we are in our cycles. 

(Sorry if this comes across as very harsh.  I'm back in that "I'll be there for you if you'll be there for me" stage.)

Comments

[Jen(aside)]

Speaking of getting e-mails and such... I hope you got mine and didn't take offense! :)

[Amy]

Lurker turned commenter...I just wanted to mention how glad I am that you have been honest about the way things have gone, especially about the twins news. See, a few weeks after you, I also found out that our latest IVF round was a success, and then we found out it was twins. My husband and I freaked. Especially my husband. The last thing he wanted was twins.

Reading about how you guys have reacted to your own twins news was a life saver for me. It helped me see that our reaction wasn't totally unusual. It helped me see that we'd get past it, especially when I was upset that we weren't experiencing 100% joy and flowers -- after all, we should have been, because this was what we'd wanted for so long, right? I wasn't allowed to complain even if my husband's reaction was less that perfect, right? After all, tons of women are still struggling, would give their right arms to be in my position, how dare I not be grateful. And I am grateful, but I'm also scared about a lot of aspects of having twins, and I guess what I'm trying to say is that it was like a breath of fresh air to read that another infertile woman was having the same feelings. So, thanks.

[carey]

And this is why I love your blog... you speak your truth. I love it.

So, where do I fall in? My partner is currently 20 weeks pregnant and I am gearing up to do IVF #3. As in a few weeks hopefully. I totally feel like I'm in a weird place in blog-land, wedged between the have and the have-nots.

[JC]

Hello. I'm a lurker but I wanted to thank you for your post. What I've never understood about pregnancy/infertillity/motherhood is why these problems are not seen as womens problems and why we, as women, do not unite behind our fellow women and support them with whatever their issue is, be it dealing with infertility, uncomfortable pregnancy, or motherhood. Truth be told I read all sorts of blogs so that I can gain perspective on what women are challenged with. I have to admit I got pregnant easily, had no issues with being pregnant, and have a beautiful 2 year old son. I know there are some places I can't admit such 'easy' feats for fear of being ridiculed that I don't understand. Hence why I tend to keep quiet generally. Why am I not allowed to understand when I have 'understood' many other pains in my life? Isn't the goal to understand everyone and have empathy despite NOT having the same experience?

I don't know if my drivel made any sense but I just was trying to validate your opinion. Thanks again.

[DD]

No matter how many miscarriages I have. No matter how many failed IVF cycles I have.

I will always be considered a "have" by most because I already "have" one.

At this point, with 9 failed cycles and 4 miscarriages, if I wasn't one of "those SIFers", I'd be right up there on the totem, even though my writing does verily suck.

[Tinker]

How very true. I do like the 'successful infertile mom' label, as I'm one of those carrying some guilt about blogging about infertility with a two-year-old napping upstairs and twins on the way for the fall.

And I think it's sheer coincidence that 80% or so of the bloggers I read seem to have had some success in the last four or five months, as I was reading successful infertile mom blogs while still on the rollercoaster (including those huge miscarriage dips) myself.

[sophie]

I have never ever tried to get in the family way. I have a cousin who has had three babies with the help of fertility treatments. She has described many of the same things, and that's just in real life--she isn't a blogger.

My sister got pregnant the first month she was off the pill. Believe it or not, that stressed out her uber-organized (anal) husband who wasn't ready to be pregnant, he was just ready to be trying-to-be. I have watched them both (the two mothers who have my heart) struggle with the judgements of other mothers who don't think they are doing it right. My sister who hit the internets the day she got two pink lines resigned as moderator for a group of moms. The pettiness was too overwhelming for her. All three of us have fairly strong opinions, but to think that somehow any of us know more or better is absurd.

Women should support each other in all things baby related as well as all things life. We seem to have an ugly streak about being unable to do this. Your post speaks volumes.

[katie]

I have to say I've stopped reading some pregnant bloggers, and others when they give birth - but it has a lot more to do with how interestingly they write and/or how moany they are rather than what their situation is.

But there are a whole host of other outcomes: give birth to baby with genetic problem, give birth to baby with health problem or neurological problem, adopt child with behavioural problem, or with health problems you couldn't have predicted etc. etc. etc. I don't think it's nearly as simple as pregnant, successfully pregnant, or not pregnant.

[megan]

hear, hear! well said.

[Carol]

very well said. thank you.

[donna]

It's a tough thing, isn't it? I felt all of those things - deep depression when I found another person who was successful when I wasn't, then the happiness, quickly followed by huge guilt when I got my two pink lines.

It's hard to not view things from your side of the line in the sand. But I tried to keep up with the PG women when I was still trying, and I still keep up with the women who are trying now that I have a baby. I don't know if having me drop in is helpful or not. I assume I'll be told if they would like me to go away. But for me at least, I loved to hear about success stories. It helped me a lot to know that others had been where I was and were successful. And I loved having a group of women who had been where I was, when I needed to call on them for advice. So the gist of this long rambling comment is that I guess we can't help the fact that there is a line in the sand. But I like the idea of us all being a team. And no matter what I personally think about the choices some women make in the journey, I will never speak that out loud or presume to think I know better than they what is the best thing for them. That's just bad karma.

[Patience]

Yep, you've articulated it beautifully. There ARE divisions in the IF world - and we can control what we read with our mouse! *gasp* I can't imagine anyone not wanting a fellow IF'er not to succeed and wish them all happiness, but no one has to READ them if they're not in the right space.

I know when I was pregnant I was constantly making apologies for my feelings (this was on a board before I started my blog) - the survivors guilt started from the moment I saw the 2 pink lines. Yup it's all turned to shite 4 times and I've been flung back to the have-not pile each time, but it doesn't take away the fact that I do give a shit about others that are ttc and walking the long road....

[Lady In Waiting]

I *really* appreciate this post. I have been thinking about (what you aptly describe as) the clickish nature of the IF blogger world. And I have found myself torn at times, being a so-called "newbie" in the world of IF yet starting out nearly 35. I have actually had some uncomfortable conversations in which I feel like I need to (and actually do) thank veterans for being my friend. And I have honestly worried that I would lose this community if I get successfully pregnant, especially if it is from any procedure short of an IVF.

I am SO glad to know that you have identified this dynamic and have the courage to speak up about it. And you are SO right that, just because we need the support of different people at different times, does not mean that we have to see or treat them as our enemies. AND that a woman who has suffered through the pain of IF will never forget her experience, nor will she ever easily fit into the allegedly happy-go-lucky fertile world.

Bravo!

[statia]

I suspect that's why a lot of my favorite infertile bloggers have simply stopped blogging after they had their kids. It's like the us vs. them thing. Infertiles find solidarity in numbers, just like anyone else. Mothers, whores, midgets, whatever. The thing that bothers me, is that, we all say we're happy when one moves on. I call bullshit on that. Ok, yes, to a certain extent we are happy, but there's a whole "fucking bitch" mumble under your breath that goes with it. And anyone who says otherwise is a liar. The only time they don't say that is when they have their own kid already. But I digress. I had a baby, I'm still infertile, I'm not trying to be a whore about it, but if I need to vent about how he refuses to nap or how hard parenting is, I'm not going to be made to feel guilty about it. It's a fucking hard job.

[scoldy]

You are so full of sense about all this, it knocks me out. If I didn't already love you I'd have to be insanely jealous of your smarts.

I love what JC said, too. Good stuff.

[MsPrufrock]

I think I love you. Oh, and Sweet Valley High.

[Chili]

Lines suck! ;)

Sometimes I feel like some people look at me (hee hee, or rather, my blog!) like I'm not 'one of them' because I'm dealing with SIF, but for the most part I've found a very supportive community. I make a point of saving my kid related posts for another blog, because my SIF blog is focused more on the ups and downs of treatment and the journey I'm on.

I agree that if you're not in the right place, skip over a blog or two. I have folders in my blog reader, so if I'm having a down day, I can stick to the IF and SIF blogs. But I do love checking in on the success stories when I'm feeling up to it.

[Bea]

To be fair, a lot of infertile bloggers who haven't yet made it try to keep things in perspective - and I think that's all people want from anyone else. Well, hopefully.

Bea

[Poppy]

Vanessa, I love your tell it like it is way. Very refreshing.

[Christine]

Like many... after reading your last entry, I am hauntingly compelled to write.
I've been a silent blog visitor for quite some time, discovering your site only after a frantic late night Dr. Google search post-3rd miscarriage months ago (I believe I queried "can't stay pregnant", bizarrely enough... but I digress!).
The moment I found your blog, I gained great strength with your happy preg news and somehow pulled said wretched self from my dispair pit (read: pity party table for uno... no pizza, just water please, with lemon).
While this may stand counter to your haves-vs-the-have nots argument, I needed to hear your success story to realize my path was not uncharted. The next day, I stealthfully reviewed your recently-announced baby news from my infernal cubicle farm and worked my way backward through the horrible trials you've endured, all the while amazed at your ability to endure and overcome raw physical and emotional pain, your irrefutable humor (HELLO! random '80s references! hilarity ensues!), and most of all your beautifully brutal honesty and arresting commentary on this thing they/we/insert pronoun here call 'motherhood' and the pursuit thereof.
Run on sentence complete, I extend true heart-felt thanks... more than I can convey.

[Christine]

p.s. not to sound all stalker-like, but don't stop writing. Really. We need you. I need you. And your preg support. Reason? I've just been selected ala gym class dodgeball for the 'have' team... due in January '07.

[caba]

I agree with you so much! Sometimes I feel like I dont' fit in on either side. I got pregnant easily for an infertile. 6 months of ttc on our own, first appt at my RE on April 5 2006, straight to IVF, 2 embies in, pregnant with twins (b/g) and April 5, 2007 they were born. I feel like I it was too easy for me, especially when i read what some others have gone through. But I also don't feel like I fit in with the "normal" moms, because I don't feel like I'm "normal", for lack of a better word.

All I know is, what you said made so much sense. And as a side note, my twins are 3 months old. If you have any questions as it gets closer to your due date, don't hesisitate to ask!

[Lut C.]

What you say is certainly true, there are divisions.
But those that lash out leave more of an impression than those that don't.
I've been surprised at the amount of support I've continued to receive from people still on the trying side of the table.

[Becks]

I have mentioned to you previously that yours was the first blog I came across and somehow despite the positives that might eventually turn me off elsewhere, I still read your blog religiously.

I guess I don't comment because I feel innadequate, that I can't add anything constructive because I have never been there. I can comment on needles and lost hope because I continue to walk in those shoes.

Having said that, when your stats are showing a UK reader in Birmingham it's me and I enjoy reading how you and the twins are getting on.

I do hope that if my blog is one of the one's you read, that I wasn't the one that p***ed you off!

[canape]

This was quite perfect.