Choices-And Not Just a Chi-Chi Name for an Insurance Programme

I'm home now.  I have been dwelling in the Eternal Land of Suckvile for three days, and finally busted loose in a blaze of NHS tea and lactated ringers late yesterday.

This hospital stay was the worst yet.  It was bad because I knew as soon as we had to go to the hospital that I would be checked in for a short while, and nothing pleases one as much as getting winged into the hospital.  I did also have reason to believe the babies were about to make a grand entrance-I was having contractions and I was leaking fluid down my leg (if that doesn't make you want to push your coffee away, then give it time.  I have more.) 

I was admitted pretty swiftly, and put on monitors. I was, at one point, contracting every three minutes.  And lemme just say, I always thought of contractions as "mildly powerful menstrual cramps".  I see I need to apologize to womankind for that kind of assumption.  Contractions really mean "Don't talk to me.  Don't move me.  Don't even fucking think of touching me. I just want to get the Suzanne Somer's Abdominizer out of my insides."  Luckily this time they took pity on me and gave me painkillers for grown-ups, so I got really trippy and enjoyed my great space coaster.

The cervix, she is closed and thick.  I know this as three different doctors felt the need to check themselves.  I am so used to the sparkle of the stainless steel speculum heading for me that I just spread my legs if you flash so much as a serving spoon my way.  My waters didn't break either-my bladder was just so badly infected and in shit shape that it randomly started leaking.  So what happened was, I basically wet myself.  Yup.  I went to kindergarten and everything, but I apparently missed that "learn how to not wee on yourself" lesson for the day. I couldn't even differentiate between one hole and the other it all hurt too much.  They gave me Super Maxi Pads that could have been used to staunch the wounds of any major battlefield to help the leakage.  My embarrassment was complete.  Thankfully, the antibiotics now have all that under control. 

I am not in good shape.  I was dehydrated so was on IV fluids.  I was contracting pretty severely, so they gave me relaxants to dial down the contractions.  My bladder and kidneys were in abyssmal shape-at one point the doctor simply touched my back where my right kidney is and I came clear off the bed in a very cool Exorcist kind of way.   I am anemic.  Once on Tuesday when I donated a urine sample it had about half a dozen stones in it, either from my ureter or my kidney, I dunno (luckily this was during a great space coaster period, so I didn't feel a thing), which, upon seeing them floating in the recycled cardboard speciman hat they make you wee in, fascinated me on a level that sticking safety pins under the skin of my fingers as a kid never quite managed.  When I was admitted I was mildly pre-eclamptic (resolved now).  I have a hemorrhoid, courtesy not of pregnancy constipation but of trying to force wee out too hard.  I am covered in bruises (thanks to the anemia) and I got to be the guinea pig of a new IV cannula type, which no one knew how to insert.  They blew clean through a vein on my left hand, and now I have a massive bruise covering the entire hand.  The needle also eventually punctured through the vein on my right arm, and now I have a golf ball-sized cyst on my arm which will go down in time but which hurts like a mother fucker right now.  So the good news is, I'm ambidextrous.  The bad news is they shagged both my hands in one go.  The pee, she is still not good, but at least I am not on the toilet screaming anymore, and at least there is no blood in it, so hey-beggars and all that. 

The first person who tells me that I should be more grateful about being pregnant is going to get sucker punched.

I am grateful that the Lemonheads are healthy and ok, believe me.  I could be doing without the E.R. style drama, however.

The babies are actually ok.  They didn't like me having contractions, but even more so they didn't like being on the Central Delivery Ward.  Even though I had a private room, there was an incredible amount of stress there (Dear NHS-I like you. I think you get a bad rap most of the time, but I have no problems with you.  But one thing you might consider, besides more midwives which you'll pay better?  Yeah.  Soundproofing the walls in the Delivery ward.  Just an idea.)  Tuesday night was the worst ever.  I was rocking in pain and waiting for my next great space coaster ride, which I was pursuing with the frenzy of a crack addict and I didn't care for a minute that they may think I was being a bit drug needy, because I most certainly was.  But all of a sudden, the Delivery ward went from me and one other woman there to being heaving full, so I just waited. 

It wasn't just full, though.

Judging by the sounds of it, they were having an old-fashioned taffy pull and using pregnant women as the taffy.

I was bordered on three sides by screaming the likes of which I have never heard, ever.  EVER.  Not even the kind of screaming one hears when seeing someone wearing white stilettos, baby.  This was pure, unmitigated pain.  It was loud.  It was constant. It was endless.

At one point a midwife popped her head in and saw me looking like a deer in the headlights.

"It's a full moon, darling, this always happens," she clucked.  "And these women didn't choose to have any pain modification, and perhaps their pain tolerance wasn't what they thought it would be."

Right.  That would be why it sounded like they were being torn apart by wolves, then.

It wasn't just me that was freaked out-with each scream the Lemonheads went mental.  I tried to calm them.  I turned the fan on in the room to try to drown out sound.  I tried rubbing them and talking to them, but they were like: Woman.  Wo-MAN.  Where have you brought us?  What is this place of ritual sacrifice, and why are we here?  They were having none of it. I know that women say of the movies that women don't go around screaming like that when they're in labor, but, um, seriously?  Yeah.  Some women who have overestimated their pain tolerance thresholds and choose no pain relief DO. 

It was awful.

I can tell you, my choice of delivery is crystal clear to me (and I should be clear-these are my choices, and I fully respect that other women have other choices.  Honest.  In case you wanted to send hate mail or anything, I just wanted to head you off at the pass.)  I have chosen to try to have them vaginally if at all possible (which is looking likely as the first baby out - the boy - is head down against the cervix and has been for ages).  But I will be drugged with everything the pharmacy will give me.  Painkillers?  Yes.  Epidural?  Yes please.  As far as the other pain methods - breathing?  TENS machine?  Gas?  Don't waste my time.  I've heard what can happen if you don't handle pain well and don't choose pain meds, and lemme just say this now-I'm a tough chick in many ways, but when it comes to my uterus I am one big pussy.  Drug me.  Right away.  Double it while you're at it. 

I was moved to the antenatal ward the next day after begging the doctor, who wanted to keep me in Delivery as I was still contracting.  "But the antenatal ward is just through those doors," I pointed out.  "I can drag myself in if need be.  You can follow my urine trail, I'll be like Hansel and Gretel for the infectious."  I was put into a room with 4 others and was the only one not being induced.   Two of the women were at 42 weeks.  They looked even more tired than I did.

I am home now and on "lighter duties" for the duration of the pregnancy.  I have the most complicated meds routine known to man.  As the registrar gave me my instructions yesterday, it occurred to me that they don't really think things through.  They gave me instructions on the diagnostics and meds I would be on for the next three months, and then they'd review after the babies were born.

Let's review.

Meds and tests for three months, then birthing.

I am 31 weeks 2 days pregnant.

I smile at the doctor. "I get it that you want the babies to be in me as long as possible," I say sweetly.  "But how long do you want me to be pregnant for?  Because I can tell you, I'll be doing all I can to drag them out of me by 37 weeks.  I'm heading for 32 weeks pregnant.  Now, math has never been my strong point, but 37 minus 31 does not make 3 months, not even in a politician's world."

He realized his math error.

We'll see what we'll see.  In the meantime, I have been diagnosed with recurrent UTI and kidney infections, an Irritable Uterus (which is just as irritable as the rest of me, really) and anemia. 

Whee.

Comments

[thalia]

Vanessa it sounds absolutely miserable. I'm glad you're sprung now, I hope you can keep away from that delivery ward for another 5 weeks now.

And I'll gladly punch anyone who tells you to be more grateful.

[MsPrufrock]

You should be ...oh, sorry. I'm glad you're out of the hospital, because I'll tell you, I was never so close to jumping out a window as I was when I was stuck in the hospital for a week after P was born. I was ambivalent toward hospitals beforehand, but I quite solidly hate them now. Try and stay out of them for another 5 weeks or so, mmkay?

As for the screams of agony from birthing mums? I heard them before and after I had P - hearing them before terrified me, but afterwards I was just annoyed. I was all Scientology up in the delivery ward with my "silent birth", only because I'm not a screamer.

I'm very excited for this all to be over for you so you can finally meet your babies. Also, why could you not live in southern Hants?

[Bea]

Urinary tract infections? Kidney infections? Irritable uterus? I want to be just like you.

Bea

[Bea]

Oh! Oh! Not to mention what was it? 44 week pregnancies?

Bea

[Oddybobo]

How about some {hugs} from across the pond!

[Radish]

Oh, you poor woman. I'm glad you're out of the hospital, at least! Sounds miserable...

[donna]

What a beating this has turned out to be for you. I'm so sorry. Well just think what you have hang over their heads later in life. "Oh don't worry about coming home for Christmas. It won't be nearly as painful as when you were on my ureter and giving me kidney stones when I was carrying you. No, really. Please go skiing in the Alps. I mean it."

[jen]

You have my total empathy. Having spent a month in hospital and being moved from the perinatal wing to labor/delivery every time I had a bleed (4 times total) was not fun. My mother and I listened to a woman scream her way through her delivery one afternoon. Fun times.

You're in the home stretch! I'm praying every day for you and the lemonheads to make it to 37 weeks. And that the time will pass super fast for you. Rest as much as you can.

[Sara]

Oh my god, you poor thing. I'm so sorry to hear about your misadventures in the land of the screaming banshees. I really hope that the last few weeks of your pregnancy manage to be less eventful.

[twirl]

I am completely with you on the drugs thing. Personally, I've no need for "the experience."

The screaming sounds just awful. Glad you were finally able to be moved.

[Kath]

Dear Vanessa, you should see my face right now. You poor, poor thing.

I think you'd have to superhuman (or stark raving mad, I can't decide which) to be grateful for anything -- besides painkillers for grownups -- right now.

The "place of ritual sacrifice" made me laugh out loud. In the midst of all this misery, you are still one funny woman.

[statia]

Dude. Hated pregnancy. Hated. You can hate it too. It's not easy. I'm glad I have the Mini, and yes, it's hard, but as I watch him make his ridiculous pooping face and laugh at me, I know that face alone is totally worth my preshus. PRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEESHUS!

[caltechgirl]

Wheeeee indeed!

Welcome home, again.

I wish I could speed up the clock for you, so you can get over this ridiculous "pregnancy" thing and have Lemonheads instead.

[Patience]

Oh babe, I find it amazing that you can still write with a degree of humour....

Hang in there... x

[beagle]

Ugh . . . so sorry. Hang in there!

[Suze]

I hope this makes you feel a little bit more hopeful - it's from You Tube - laughing babies.....:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3Rw_3ky-uo

[marie-baguettte]

so sorry the infection returned. The only piece of advice I have would be to get the over expensive iron supplements that do not make you constipated. And maybe get one of those great noise reduction headphones. You know, just in case you need to go back to the hospital. You are getting close and I hope the rest of your pregnancy will be uneventful. Good luck with everything.

[marie-baguettte]

I forgot. About the blown veins, I had the exact same experience at the hospital. I noticed that dehydration make the veins even more painful, so drink plenty. Hope that helps. Oh and heat/cold packs felt nice.

[Lut C.]

My prenatal class teacher insisted that more women come in to deliver under a full moon too.

Hearing that screaming match must have been absolutely horrible.

I don't really know what my pain threshold is. Between the UTI, the kidney stones and the contractions, I guess you have more of an idea than you wanted to know at this stage. I know I'm scared of an epidural though.