I'll Have What She's Having

I think most of us spend our time admiring people on the other side of the fence.

Seriously. It’s not just “Keeping up with the Joneses,” it’s also “I wanna’ be where she is.” Maybe this is the foundation of why the communist theory, it didn’t stand a chance (that and the whole waiting for toilet paper shtick) but someone is always going to be where you wish you were. But it’s a bit more complicated than that-if they’re where you wish you were, they’d damn well better be loving every moment of it, else they aren’t grateful for where they are. Right?

With IVF I remember being envious of women that had a plan when I didn’t. Or envious of those who had the positive test when I didn’t.  Or wishing I was one of those who had seen the heartbeat. Or longing to be one of those who had given birth and had one of those cuddly, milky things at home, those things that you wrap up and love and sigh about a lot.

I read other women’s blogs and see that I am not alone in this wanting to be in someone else’s shoes. It seems like we’re all wanting to be somewhere else. I read one person who is waiting to cycle. I see someone else is in their 2ww. A third person’s baby is sitting up unaided, and she wishes she could go back in time and keep her child from growing up too fast.

I hit 30 weeks of pregnancy yesterday. 30 weeks has found me in new places – while I’m still up only 10-11 kilos from my pre-pregnancy weight, I’m suddenly getting larger. Quickly. I can no longer sit upright, I have to recline or stand, as when I sit I cannot breathe. And when I say I cannot breathe, I mean that literally – it’s as though I’m drowning, I just can’t draw in air. This makes computer time pretty difficult, as I have a laptop but it’s a work one so I behave on it.  I’m under constant threat for kidney and UTI infections.  I can’t eat much as my stomach is compacted by Mammoth Uterus and can’t hold any quantity whatsoever – perhaps as a result, nothing sounds good to eat except ice cubes, which I eat a lot of these days. I cannot sleep – the restless leg syndrome is far too powerful and the past few nights have seen hip and shoulder agony as the swelling that is my stomach has thrown my alignment out. I cannot get comfortable in bed. This isn’t even taking into account the fact that my bladder is teeny tiny these days, meaning I usually can’t go more than one hour without a trip to the loo, the babies think 3 am is party time and wake up around then with a jig or two, and that the dreams at night tend to be of the Kafka variety – the other night I dreamt it wasn’t egg sharing I was doing, but baby sharing. I had to choose if I would either give up both babies to a woman waiting for them and thus get an IVF cycle for free, or else choose one twin for the other woman to take while I kept the other twin. It was like Sophie’s Choice for the infertile crowd. I woke up shaking and feeling horrified that someone was waiting to take my babies away.

Little, ridiculous but important things are hard – it’s difficult to wipe, for example, and takes a lot of movements that contortionists would be envious of. The babies kick so hard that sometimes it evokes extreme nausea, and more than once I’ve gone hurtling into the toilet in preparation for the bile that’s behind one of their Solid Gold dancer moves. I am exhausted, I am cranky, none of my clothes fit and the maternity clothes I bought are having to be replaced because I bought over the bump ones and it turns out their tightness over the bump makes me nauseous, too, so under the bump ones are being hauled in to help otherwise I’ll be going in public soon in my pajamas (and don’t think I’m not tempted.)

Still, despite the fact that I have never in my life (so far) felt worse than I do right now, I imagine that someone out there reading this post feels envious about the stage I’m at, that 30 weeks with twins is the best place in the world to be. I don’t mean that in an “I’m so cool, aren’t I the shit?” kind of way, I honestly don’t, so please don’t feel the need to take me down a peg or two and make me feel bad, because I can walk there from here. I just think maybe someone wishes they were where I am as it’s part of the cycle – we all wish to be in someone else’s place.

It’s the same for me – I’m envious of others. I wish my babies were born already, I really do. I know that it’s too early for them still, that their health would suffer and it would be dangerous, but a very illogical part of my brain keeps saying “I’m so ready for this to be over, for feeling this shit to end. I want to meet them and just start life together. I really don’t want to be pregnant anymore.  I can't do this.” And then I feel horribly ashamed for thinking that way, that people will think I’m ungrateful or a terrible mother, and I shut the voices down. But I look at moms that have already given birth and have physically recovered and are just spending time with their babies, and I think: I want that. I want to be her. I want to be at that stage.  I love these babies already and I just want them to be here now.

Maybe we’re all wanting to be at a stage that we see someone else at. I remember when I was cycling I couldn’t wait to be done cycling so that the swelling, bad moods, and mood swings would go away. When I was in the 2ww I naturally wanted that to end, pronto. When I finally got a positive I couldn’t wait for the end of the first trimester, then the anatomy screening, then the third trimester. Now I’m hurrying up and waiting for the babies to be born.

Wherever it is we wish we could be, I hope you get there fast, my friend.

I’ll meet you there.

Comments

[Teri]

They don't tell you about the not being able to wipe part in the pregnancy books, as I recall. They leave out a lot of important information like that!
Just take it one day at a time. You'll be done before you know it. I bet that first night in the hospital once the babies are out you'll sleep like the dead. :)

[statia]

Yeah, remember how I told you it sucks?

Well, it does and don't for one second feel guilty for wishing it were over. If I felt guilty for that, I'd still be going to confession and I'm not even Catholic.

And the wanting the next step never ends. Believe me.

[H]

I think most pregnant women want it to be over at some point - I know I would! You definitely shouldn't feel guilty - you're uncomfortable and there's no way you can get comfortable, and it's bound to annoy you. And yes, it will all be worth it in a few weeks when your babies arrive, but they're not here yet, so that's not much consolation here and now. I hope you find a strategy that improves things for you soon.

[beagle]

If it weren't the means to and end (baby) then I'd never envy pregnancy at all! It does not look fun to me.

Since communism failed, the new thing is to live in the now, be present in the moment, blah, blah. It's tough to be happy with where you are at any given moment.

I think it's just part of being human. But I also worry that sometimes I'm wishign my life away.

Great post, very honest!

[kbexs]

i am about 30 weeks pregnant w. twins, too. i have been following you for a while since we are in a similar state: ivf, b/g twins, and i had an SCH in the first trimester, too. i feel generally crappy now too and have been on modified bedrest so am bored as well. it's so hard not to look ahead but people have told me once the babies are here you will want to look backwards, at the time when you didn't have two screaming infants and nipples that bleed from breastfeeding and you had 10 minutes to luxuriate in the bath and the quiet to read a book or magazine. so even though i am uncomfortable and wish the babies could get here already, i know i will most likely think back to this time as easier almost.

[jen]

Hang in there. One day at a time. It's all worth it and you'll get there sooner than you think.

[wn]

The grass really is always greener....or whatever....

I'm at 14 weeks....and can't shake feelings of terror...feelings that things wont work out...and while I know that a million women would trade places with someone whose made it this far....

I would give my right arm to know that I'll make it to 30 weeks....

I'm trying so hard to enjoy the moment...enjoy everything (even the queasiness and the fact that I look like I overindulged in too many cheetos)....and to fight that green demon.

I'm glad you are honest about these things, it's easier to come to grips with feeling this way, when I know that other people feel this way too...I'm still working on better acceptance (and all that zen stuff) but this made my day...I guess that's why I read your blog...

[Lut C.]

Cut yourself some slack. I'm at 30 weeks with a singleton, and compared to you, my PG has been a breeze (so far, knock on wood). In your shoes, I'd be wishing the due date would arrive already, I'm pretty sure.

[Meg]

I remember feeling just the same from about 28 weeks. I HATED being pregnant. and even though Jasper wound up coming early at 33 weeks and needing to be in nicu for a month, part of me was still grateful he was out of my body. I felt the doctors could do a better job at gestating him in some way.

The infertile baggage never entirely goes away.

[Becks]

I hope to see you on the other side, maybe over a latte at London Bridge.

[Bea]

An excellent portrait of human psychology. Wishing you through the next bit.

Bea

[caltechgirl]

You know what? I agree with you. I can't wait for them to be born either.

Don't feel guilty about any of this, ANYONE would want two bowling balls with fists out of their guts. Besides, I hear they're a lot more fun outside than they are inside.

[Sarah]

Best of luck to you as you struggle through these final weeks. I had a miscarriage just about 9 months ago and am SO glad that I found your blog to help me get through. It meant SO much to read about your experiences, and also share in the joy of your successes. I can't wait to see pictures of your 'lemonheads', and hopefully in the nearfuture I'll be able to join the club of mommies-to-be. Hang in there & know that a whole slew of us are cheering you on in this final stretch.

[Meg]

It never ends...once they're born you just wish they'd be old enough to sleep through the night, once that happens you wish they could sit up and entertain themsleves a bit, then you wish they could walk, etc. One day you wake up and wonder why you wished it all away- they just grow up way to fast and, as a mom, you have to try and savor each stage, knowing you'll never have it back again.

Megan

[Kath]

Dear Vanessa, I think you have every right to feel as you do. Carrying twins is really, really hard work, and you're doing amazingly well with all the discomfort and associated crap that's been thrown your way.

I hope that somehow the next few weeks find a way of speeding up for you, my dear.

[Heather]

You are so right. I look around and I see everyone wanting to be someone else. There are days with my 7 month old when I wish he were older and days when I wish he were younger.

I remember being at 30 weeks and wanting to hold him in my arms and then I remember him being 2 weeks old and me wanting him to just be back inside me so I could SLEEP!!

Just remember, every day with them is a miracle and before you know it you will blink and they will be 18 and moving out. (At least that's how my sister tells it...)

[Michele]

I read this yesterday morning as I was "running" on the treadmill ... running towards my goal - to be where you are. I think Alanis would say it's ironic.

I remember being hugely pregnant with Abby wishing it was over but at the same time wanting to remember what it was like to be 30+ weeks pregnant as I never made it that far with Ethan. It still didn't stop the feelings of wishing it could be over NOW (even though I knew the consequences of the NICU) so I could have my body back (somewhat) and be able to sleep on my stomach again.

Don't beat yourself up. It's the whole thing where infertiles feel guilty for not loving pregnancy completely - they should be so thankful in the first place, right?

Yeah, everyday is a miracle ... until you want to pull your hair out because they're throwing a typical 2 year old temper tantrum. ;) Sorry ... mini-rant as that's where I'm at right now - toddler kicking and screaming because I wouldn't let her play with knives or something.

[canape]

I think Mammoth Uterus would be a great band name.

And I hope that you find some relief soon. It's not long now.

[Bou]

I remember when I'd go for the weekly exams and they'd make me pee in a cup and I'd look at them and say, "Hey, can you hand me a ladle?" Good Grief. That reach around no matter which way, was just NOT going to happen.

Near the end of pregnancy, everyone wishes it away. Its just a crappy feeling. If you could, if there was an indoor pool somewhere, I'd tell you to go float. Its the only place you feel 'light'. Whalish, yes, but light still... in a whalish kind of way. ;-)