The Next Book Tour - "Love and Other Impossible Pursuits"

Mel's latest book tour took a slightly different turn this time, in that we read a book about a stepmother who has no children of her own, having just lost a baby to SIDS.  I was a bit dubious about this book, which is called Love and Other Impossible Pursuits, at first, namely because as I'm about to evict two babies of my own SIDS is one of the last things I want to read about, but mostly I was worried about the stepmother aspect. 

I am a stepmother.  I am a stepmother to a 15 year-old girl and a 10 year-old boy, who live largely in Sweden and whom we see about once a month, for a week in October/February/June, and for a two week holiday at some point in the year.  We have them every other Christmas, we get the "even years".  They are the light of Aidan's life in every sentimental way - particularly his daughter, as they are extremely close, always have been and always will be.  His son was born a sickly baby and still is a pretty sickly child, and as such he's more connected to his mother although he and his father have a strong, loving (if turbulent) relationship.  Aidan's daughter he calls his "Princess", though, and it's immediately obvious to anyone who spends time with them that she has a very special role in his heart.  Her birth was the only one he cried at of his two children.  I think a part of me fears that he won't cry at the birth of ours, either.

Coming in to this arrangement was very, very hard, not least because Aidan's ex is the Mistress of Satan not a fan of mine, nor am I a fan of hers.   But I am careful to never say anything negative about her around the children, and indeed one year I got the pleasure of helping them pick out - and pay for - Christmas presents for them to give her, something I now make Aidan handle. 

This book hit home in every possible way for me.  I was completely engrossed in it, and although I found the heroine a bit melodramatic at times, the basis of the book - her struggle with her stepson and the role he plays in their life - was all too familiar.  I too had that struggle.  I too had a screaming battle with Aidan one Devon evening, where I was put in my place and have remained firmly there, once and for all.  I too feel huge pangs of jealousy - not only do I only now have a great relationship with my father and can understand how father-daughter love works, but when you come in new to a situation and there's someone already holding a big key to the heart of the one you love, you find it hard.  Yes, they're kids.  Yes, of course they come first.  But if you've never had kids of your own (and I haven't) you just can't understand how that love really works.  Throw in a dysfunctional childhood and I was really  in left field.

Emilia, in the book, eventually starts to come around to her stepson William.  There comes a stage where she sees things in shops and wants to buy them for the kid, knowing it will make him happy.  She puts him first.  She starts to really love him.  And that's where I'm at, that's what I've got - I really love my stepkids, too.  I buy them things all the time for birthdays and Christmases, I have stashes of things everywhere.  I want them to be happy.  I want them to shine in their father's eyes.  I want them to grow up knowing that nothing ever got in the way of their being loved, not me, not anything. 

It doesn't mean it's not hard to deal with sometimes, because it is.  And yes, I'm about to have twins and hopefully a whole new world opens up to me, but I can tell you here and now one of my greatest, pettiest fears...I knew that someday Aidan's kids would get married, would have kids of their own, and I wouldn't be able to relate.  I would always be the stepmother, watching in heartbroken envy as the parents of two kids I love enough to be my own kids would be entitled to something I never would be entitled to. I would be there, on the pew or in my home, fervently buying gifts that I would hope wouldn't be stupid, holding hopes in my heart that I would get to participate, but I would know that I would never, ever know how it felt.  I would not have had kids.  I would not get those moments of pure and utter happiness.

It's stupid, but I think that if you ask every stepmother who couldn't have kids, she'll tell you there is one thing that hurts, that no matter how much love you get there's something that can never be healed by being included on the address of the Christmas card.

Anyway, the book - if you're a stepmom, particularly if you're a stepmom who cannot/does not have children of your own and has problems relating to the stepkids (of the younger variety, that is), then this book is for you. And if you're not a stepmom, then the one thing I can say about it is this: Being a mother, I have no doubt, is hard.  But being a stepmother is just that much harder.

So the questions I chose:

On page 65, Waldman writes, "She (Mindy) think we are members of the same sorority of pain, that we are sisters in grief… But when I'm with Mindy I'm afraid every minute that I'll that I will tell her she has no fucking idea that a curl of flesh and DNA floating in a toilet bowl full of blood is not a baby, and that the remnants of pregnancy running down your legs is nothing, nothing like holding your dead child in your arms…"  React to this statement as a woman who has lost a baby through miscarriage. In addition, can a similar sentiment apply to women experiencing different levels of infertility?  Is one person's "pain" moot in comparison to another's if one has only failed with IUI versus one who has failed with multiple IVFs?

I have had a miscarriage.  In fact, I've had two.  Maybe a miscarriage isn't like holding your dead baby in your arms, hopefully I never have to find out, but I utterly, truly and completely believe that loss is loss.  It fucking hurts like hell, no matter how far along you were.  Loss at 5 weeks and loss at 5 months is loss.  Further, I don't think there is a differentiation in infertility treatment - miscarriage is fucking awful, it doesn't matter if you miscarried after an IUI or IVF, it still hurts.  I want to say that miscarriage after fertility treatment hurts more than a natural miscarriage, where you get to try again, but who the hell do I think I am, putting a value on someone else's pain?  Loss is loss.  It hurts, no matter how you look at it, and as someone who has stared the DNA down the toilet bowl I can say there's something so hauntingly awful about it, so intrinsically nightmarish, that anyone who would ever try to compare the levels of pain between any kind of loss would not be possible around me. 

Emilia obviously deals with some self-destructive tendencies.  Can you relate to her feelings?  Have you dealt with self-destructive feelings on your journey to parenthood?

I wrote the book on self-destructive.   You want self-destructive, well, that was me. I've spent my life trying to destroy myself, and I made no exception when it came to trying to have babies.  After my last miscarriage last August I became one seriously bitter chick, complete with caustic aggression and biting anger, with regards to other women who became pregnant.  It was one big conspiracy.  I hated myself and my body, my sex drive was affected, my self-esteem hit rock bottom, and in general you'd be hard pressed to find someone who hated themselves more.

But I started to get better.

I started to watch as others got pregnant, and I'd be happy for them.  I started to reach out to my boy again, and started to try to like myself.

I think we all self-destruct just a bit before we can start to heal again.

Throughout the novel, Emilia feels she was drawn to her husband, Jack, through the concept of bashert - that it was a magical connection or fate that had drawn them together. Do you believe in love at first sight?  Do you believe there is one soul mate for each of us?

Why yes, I do believe in bashert.  I actually believe there are a handful of people that we can be meant to be with, that can be our soulmates.  I'm not so much a believer in love at first sight, more in "electricity at first sight", but they could be considered the same thing. I've had two great loves in my life, but nothing in the world could have compared me to the intense chemistry that brought Aidan and I together.  All these years later, and I have no doubt still that he was the one I was meant to be with, even when we argue, even when he drives me crazy, even when he and I can't see eye to eye.  There is, in my opinion, definitely someone who completes you (and JESUS do I hate quoting anything that came out of Tom Cruise's lips).

******************************************

Also, this morning?  The bloody show appeared. 

Comments

[MsPrufrock]

Was the bloody show as exciting as you thought it would be? I expected a bit more fanfare - perhaps some singing and dancing. It is a "show" after all.

When I went to the hospital post-show, they told me at first that it may have been something else. You know, some other clump of mucus that would randomly come out around the time you go into labour...fucking idiots.

Anyway, it's all kicking off now, isn't it m'dear? Shit, I better respond to that email before I never hear from you again.

[sophie]

Stepmother to two nine year olds, married 11 months. The adjustment has been extraordinary. Fortunately, I had a good example of a stepmother in my own. Stumbling through and doing the best I can--apologizing when I screw up--and talking about it to my husband often are the things I keep repeating. Hang in there--can't wait to *meet* the cuties!

[jen-again]

I am currently going through my first miscarriage- I am at 9 weeks, the growing stopped at 7 weeks. One of my best friends is pregnant with her second and has the same due date that I had. I am so happy for her, but definitely am also envious. I am 37, trying for my first and it took us 2 years to get to this point- I look at her at 31 years old and having her second and have some pangs of envy. I am trying to get past that so that I can just be happy for her as her pregnancy progresses, but it is still a bit new and raw. I haven't done IUI of IVF, so I cannot say what the comparison of loss is to an unassisted pregnancy loss, but the envy of easily obtained and maintained pregnancy is very close I think.

As a step-child myself, I think you are approaching your step-children in a perfect manner.

Congratulations on your progress, I am so looking forward to hearing about your little ones!

[Veronica]

Good luck with your little ones. Please please please keep us updated. I am excited for you.

[Bea]

I'm sorry you felt compelled to quote Tom.

Some great thoughts on being a stepmum. Quite an insight. I'm sure your lens will change with the arrival and growing-up of the twins, too.

Bea

[Poppy]

"Also, this morning? The bloody show appeared."

Oh my! I got all tingly when I read that and immediately thought...The Lemonheads are coming! The Lemonheads are coming!!! How exciting!

I'll be stalking your blog for news...hourly ;)

I'm a step mother. My step son was married yesterday. I've been his step mom for 24 and a half years. His mother has not seen him since he was 18 months old. She just moved away and moved on. How a mother does that, I do not know. But I have tried to be the best mother I know how to be to him and we long, long ago left the word step out of our relationship. I am his mother. I've earned that title.

We've had our ups and downs through the years and continue at times to be able to find no common ground...but I love him.

We had our share and then some of growing pains as we blended our family (I had 2, hubby had 1 and then we had 1 together) There were times of anger, bitterness, sadness, envy, frustration and major desire to throw in the towel in those early years...we survived and I'm thankful every day that we are a family.

I'll be thinking of you Vanessa...and of course the Lemonheads. Sending prayers your way for the safe delivery of your son and daughter~

[abs]

I cant believe it, they are nearly here!

I'll be thinking of you and sending you non-painful, no stress, positive vibes for the birth!

abs x

[Carlynn]

'I think we all self-destruct just a bit before we can start to heal again.'
What a great line, I think I might copy it into my journal! I think it's very true.

I read your story about you and your stepkids and the pain a stepmother feels who can't/didn't have children and I thought of one of my mothers-in-law. She didn't have children and I don't even like to think of how she feels now with two grown up stepkids and their children (or non-children in my husband and my case). I don't want to think about it because even though I'm not a stepmother, I can imagine that pain of not having children one day in twenty years time and I don't want to imagine it, I want to hope it will be different, but I can still imagine how cutting the pain must be.

I liked your bashert comments. I also think there are a handful of people who we could be with and it still amazes me that my husband and I found each other and how perfectly he (have to quote them too, blearrrk) completes me.

[Samantha]

You had some great insight into Emilia's stepmom situation, and how that can just heighten the issues of infertility (or in her case, infant death). I hope everything will go smoothly with your twins!

I'm not sure I believe in a bashert, I guess in part because I wonder if there is just one or even a handful of soulmates we are destined to be with, what's the likelyhood of being able to find them? I think of my relationship with husband, and know that it has grown and deepened from the time and work we have put into it. Of course it started off with initial attraction, but I guess maybe I believe that most relationships have potential, just that some grow while others flounder or end. Maybe the ones that grow are only the bashert ones? Interesting idea to ponder.

[Lori]

I actually had to wiki "bloody show" (I though it was just a Brit expression) because I never experienced pregnancy/delivery.

I liked your insights about step-motherhood. Especially in light of your writing them on your eve of motherhood.

I don't know WHAT you were talking about in your comments on my blog. I feel like it was MY ass that was kicked. Thanks, though, for making my day :-).

I'll be thinking of you in the next few days. Can't wait to hear the rest...

[Deb]

Thank you for sharing your experience of step motherhood. I am not a step mom but I had one for a brief time and my mom has been one but to adult children for the last 18 years. It is a hard job, even if they are grown up when it happens.

Your line about being self destructive before we heal struck a chord in me.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the book.

[Kate]

Thank you so much for the stepmoms perspective. It sounds like you have worked really hard to have a situation that works for you and your family.

[Mel]

Whoa whoa whoa, bloody show as in "the start is here?" Sending many good thoughts for an easy delivery in case you go into labour before we email again :-)

I love having your perspective on this book with the step-parenting stuff. Talk about eye-opening; I had never thought about that idea of how far back it goes--even to the grandchildren.

[Kristen]

WOOHOO for the bloody show! I have not followed your blog for very long but I am very excited and happy for what lies ahead.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the book. I loved hearing the stepmom perspective - it really sheds some light on things I found to be confusing or foreign to me.

I agree that we self-destruct before we can truly heal. I have sunk to my lowest of lows after my losses before I was able to really accept what had happened and move on.

[Ayelet]

I'm so glad I got the stepmom stuff right. I've experienced in one way or another the other stuff, but while my mother was a stepmother, I am not. I did watch friends pretty closely. That thing with the torn picture? That actually happened.

[Anne]

It was good to hear your comment about self-destruction. Some of us desperately need it to heal and hopefully, sooner, rather than later, intelligence kicks in (perhaps with an ounce of hope?) and we recognize the destructive behavior. Is the healing then found in knowing when to stop or in the process itself?

[Drowned Girl]

I loved your answers, very well written and the stepmother perspective is very interesting.

Good luck with your birth.

xxxx

[Tuesday]

Oh god oh eew ick ick ick.

I love you dearly so that's not meant to come off as insensitive.

Also, despite the eew, YAY!!!!

[jenny]

Thanks for the book review. I'm a stepmom too so I think I'll pick that up.
I can't believe how close you are. I'm so happy for you and Aiden.

[stacie]

I have been reading your blog for some time. I am delurking to say how happy I am for you and your family. I hope all is well and that you hang on to those babies for as long as possible!

[Waiting Amy]

Wow, first, wishing you luck and a speedy and smooth delivery of your little ones.

You comments were wonderful and very informative. I'm not a stepmom, but my sister is -- so it was nice to see her experiences are not much different than manys.

I agree that we often need to self-destruct before healing. Its a bit like an addict I think, hitting rock bottom before moving forward.

Best wishes!

[wRitErsbLock]

I'll have to check out the book.

Vanessa, I'm the stepmom who either can't get pregnant or whose husband refuses to try. I think after all these years of being off the pill and playing roulette I should have managed to get pregnant by now. I know girls who get pregnant by breathing. You'd think I could manage it. But, I'm too scared to ask my doctor to run any tests. I don't want to kill off my hope.

I read your life and so much of it reminds me of my own.

Hugs to you, V.

[beagle]

Wow, you're this close and you're writing book reviews! I'm impressed!

[Tuesday]

IT'S BEEN EIGHT DAYS, WHERE ARE YOU?

*pulls out internet hair*