I had another acupuncture treatment yesterday. I kind of like them, because they really want to know the details of bodily fluids. Mucus? Let's describe the consistency. Bloating? Let's examine. Blood clots? Squealy delight of all the gory detail. It's like being in biology class and being allowed to actually discuss how a blow job hitting a gag reflex makes your sphincter tighten, or English class, where you have a teacher that throws Silas Marner across the room with a thud and sighs, conceding that it really is one of the most boring books written, ever.
I tell her about the period I just had, aka "The Hemorrhage-Soon to Be a Major Motion Picture Starring Sarah Michelle Gellar". It only lasted for three days but was so forceful it was like hooking a fire hose to my snatch and putting out a block of council flat fires. The cramps on day one had me heaving over a toilet they hurt so badly. But hey-three days. Not bad.
And it was virtually clot-free, which is unusual for me-I usually look like I've dropped a toilet bowl full of M&Ms the first three days, so clotty am I (hope you don't have a high squick factor, as I'm going all out on this one.) The acupuncturist says that's the work of the acupuncture-the design is to maximize blood flow to the uterus-the treatment should prevent clotting in general.
So slap my face and call me a convert, because it worked.
I tell her about the concrete uterus I had, and how actually, post period, it still feels like that. She nods sympathetically (she is very sympathetic, which is great. She also has no issues talking about bodily fluids, which makes her my most favorite acupuncturist in the world.) She tells me that it's a side effect of miscarriage, and I may feel that way for a while.
Which brings me to my Crappiest Club Ever.
Miscarriage is something that affects many, many women. Too many, sadly. There are Grief Forums, there are books, and there is, of course, the best helper ever-alcohol. But what there seems to be is a lack of information. This blog gets a lot of hits from women Googling about miscarriage, and it seems to me that we women? We just don't have all the answers about what the hell is happening from a physical perspective. Miscarriage is the dirty little secret, that thing you whisper about in the hallways.
So lemme correct something:
MISCARRIAGE HAPPENS AND IT FUCKING SUCKS, SO DEAL WITH US AND EXPLAIN WHAT MAY HAPPEN TO OUR BODIES.
Yes, we bleed.
Yes, we cramp.
Yes, we have big blood clots, the size of which make us wail as we understand what's happening.
You know what else we can have? Concrete uteruses (is that uteri? I never know.) We get really, really hormonal-mine came up in the form of severe almost PMS-like bitchiness. What comes out of us, well...truthfully, it doesn't smell very nice. We can have headaches and are really tired. The bleeding is composed of absolutely incredible quantities. Some pregnancy symptoms may continue-I still threw up a lot, but the breast tenderness went away, as did the smell/food aversions. We may have some or all of these symptoms...but no one tells you.
A lot of that goes away with the first period (which can take 6-8 weeks to arrive), but as has now been explained to me, the body sometimes needs two cycles to get over itself.
And that's just the physical stuff.
Emotionally you're a fucking basket case.
I couldn't watch anything with pregnancy, babies, or fertility. I still can't read blogs of people that are knocked up. I watched mindless TV. I watched films I knew were safe (note to infertiles who are not knocked up and are bitter about it: Children of Men is a good film to watch. It's about a future where people can't get pregnant. It'll feel like old hat to you. I could've watched that fucking film over and over again, I was all: Thank God, a film where there is only one baby, and it's a metaphor. And when the woman had the baby? It was animatronic. Yessssssss.) You may cry. A lot. You may drink. A lot. You will most likely rage about how unfair it is. A lot.
It's the Crappiest Club Ever. I thought about starting a web page, a forum for women. You have IVF Connections, how about Crappiest Club Ever connections, where you'd never tell another woman, "I'm so sorry. But hey-children are exhausting! Want one of mine?" Where the support would come in the form of lots of swearing, and more than a little: "I'm here-want to talk?" in the middle of the night, when the nightmares are too much for you and you just can't bear the idea of "why?" anymore.
Not sure, maybe I will. It occurs to me that a miscarriage is a time when a woman needs support the most. Then again, we all grieve differently.
For me, it was good to know that one more period is maybe what I'll need to get rid of my hard uterus. Still on track for kicking off the next cycle in January. I am still feeling positive about the cycle, too.
I am an idiot, of course.